Unexpected
by Scarlet Simm
Summary: Broken hearted and alone, Bella tries to move on after Edward left. Struggling to retain her spirit, she pushes on for the sake of Charlie. Until the paranormal world catches up with her. Vampires, Werewolves and high school, the ultimate triad of horror.
1. Passion and Pain

1 Passion and Pain

"Remember how I decided that I wanted you to _not_ ignore my birthday?"

"Yes."

"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."

"You're greedy tonight."

"Yes, I am – but please, don't do anything you don't want to do," I added, piqued.

He laughed, and then sighed. "Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do," he said in a strangely desperate tone as he put his hand under my chin and pulled my face up to his.

We started slowly, but our usual routine changed when his hands wound into my hair. Something clicked and we both needed to be closer to each other. It wasn't just lust or love but an essential need. Even though what had happened earlier was nothing huge for me, that feeling that something could have happened, the fear of losing each other, was there. This fear mingled with the desperate need. We couldn't let go of each other. My hands roamed through his hair, my legs wrapped around his waist. Kisses and caresses mingled as clothes started to disappear. My warm body trembled at the feel of his bare skin. He groaned quietly, desperately, and tried to pull away but my arms and legs held him not unwillingly captive.

"I can't…" He started but I kissed him.

"We shouldn't…"

My lips glided over his neck. "Edward. _Please_."

He paused, torn and tortured.

"Please. Please." I begged, "Just give in."

And he did.

…

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."

"You…don't…want me?"

"No."

"Don't do this."

"This will be the last time you'll see me…It will be as if I'd never existed."

He's gone. He's gone. He's gone.

The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under.

I did not resurface.


	2. Purgatory and Promises

Chapter 2: Purgatory and Promises_  
_

"No!"

"Don't make me leave!"

"I won't leave!"

Darkness brings the nightmares.

Light brings the reality.

I close my eyes and sink, hoping to never come back.

**October**

Three weeks

Four weeks

Five weeks

Six weeks

Too many

Too much

I submerge again

**November**

Seven

Eight

Nine

Ten

**December**

"Bella."

Charlie had been speaking to me. I tried hard to focus on what he was saying.

"Please, just finish your breakfast."

"Huh?" I looked down at my cereal bowl. The ocean of milk was teeming with Cheerios.

"Try and eat something," Charlie begged. I sluggishly lifted a spoonful to my mouth and made myself swallow it. Charlie just looked resigned. He shook his head as he stood to leave the house.

"I'll see you after work."

I found myself the girls' bathroom at school. How did I get here? I saw my reflection staring back at me. She scared me a little. Her face was too thin, her cheeks were hollow and dark smudges under her eyes advertised her exhaustion. Her collar bones jutted out awkwardly from under her sweater. Although I couldn't see, I knew my hipbones and ribs matched my collar bones. I took a long staggered breath.

What had happened to me? _He _had made me promise that I would look after myself. Although I refused to remember him, his final words still haunted me. And now I looked more like him, them, everyday. I was pale, almost alien looking, gaunt with dark shadows under my eyes. Except for the extraordinary beauty. I was still plain, now painfully so.

He was gone and I was desperate to lose myself. I would stay here for Charlie. I would stay alive for Renee. But I couldn't live. My heart still beat, although each thump ached and echoed in my chest. I was hollow.

I was hungry, but I couldn't eat. I was tired, but I couldn't sleep. Maybe this was hell.

In biology I studiously avoided looking at the other side of the table. It had been our table. Now it was lopsided, occupied by only one lonely shell of a girl. Mr Banner had assigned us a task to complete with our lab partners. It felt like the world was mocking me. I completed the task alone.

My eyes wandered across the room, surveying the rest of the class. Most had finished the assignment and were now idly chatting. Everyone, except Angela.

Angela was watching me. It wasn't in a malicious way. Her eyes followed me, worrying. Most of the time, I barely raised my eyes from the ground unless it was absolutely necessary. I almost wished that she would just give up on me, everyone else had. I had. She was too shy, or perhaps too kind, to say anything, but still she watched. I tried to focus on the teacher pacing to and fro at the front of the room. Don't think, don't remember, just be here and now. I zoned out.

I sat in my truck with the heating on as high as it could go. My eyes left the steering wheel and I realised that I was home. Visions of him; driving my truck, opening my door, complaining about my slow driving crowded in on me. I saw him glaring at me in the cafeteria, playing with the cap of my soda, wincing as he swallowed a slice of pizza I dared him to eat. I was gasping as I collapsed on the seat. My legs curled up and my arms held me together. I felt that gaping hole in my chest, the remnants of my heart, ache and throb. I sobbed, taking shaky, ragged breaths and my vision blurred.

I still loved him, with every fibre of my being. I longed for him, ached for one more tender kiss, a gentle caress. Even hearing his voice would have been a gift. It would make him real. I couldn't have created him. He was a fictitious, mythological creature, but he had been the most real thing in my life. And now I doubted myself. He had left me no trace except two new scars on my body and the loss of my heart. I wanted him with every fibre of my being. What I wanted most was for him to want me too. I wanted to be interesting and extraordinary and beautiful, not boring, frail and weak: A human.

I had driven him away. He had tired of me and I had forced him one step further. It was a step I know he regretted. Although going that far had been better than I imagined, I woke the next morning bruised and alone. I had indents where his hands had gripped me to hard, but only because I had begged him to. My hips, my back, my arms were dotted with discolorations but my bones felt like they had melted. I was euphoric and then terrified. Alone in bed I had gathered the remnants of my tattered clothes and sheets and then began to panic. That panic was gripping me now. I tried to breathe and keep myself together. With every breath I pushed those memories back, locked them away.

My eyes swam back into focus. I was stretched out on my seat, my eyes level with my shiny stereo. My birthday present. I had been void of emotion for so long and irrational anger nearly drowned me. As I punched and tugged and wrenched at the stereo, I was mentally beating myself. _Stupid girl! You pushed too hard. You were too greedy. Look at you now. You're alone. You're a worthless, useless, stupid, selfish, disastrous human._ My nails bent back and blood seeped out of the cuts. A small part of my brain laughed sardonically now, I could bleed as much as I wanted. The stereo was eventually liberated from my dashboard and sitting in my lap, a mess of blood, machinery and wires. I couldn't bear to look at it, but at the same time I couldn't throw it away. I shoved it into my school bag and ran inside. The unwanted gift was stowed in my wardrobe, out of sight but safe. I collapsed in front of my wardrobe door and tried to get back to a safe rational state.

Eventually, I gathered myself together. I made something for dinner and tidied after it was eaten. Mostly by Charlie, I assume, I didn't remember. I was in the bathroom, then in my bedroom hunched over my desk trying to focus on my calculus homework. My bed loomed at me from the other side of the room. Calculus completed, I focused on a paper for English. Outline completed, I tried to memorise some new nouns for Spanish. It was after midnight and I couldn't put if off anymore. I closed my books and wearily sunk into my lonely bed.

_Empty meadows, trees blurring as I flew past them. Golden eyes capturing me and holding me prisoner in their gaze. Alone in a field of long grass. Alone. Alone._

I screamed into my pillow. As soon as I was aware of where I was, I tried to silence myself. Choking back the scream, I panted as I tried to calm down. Just another nightmare. Wearily, I raised my head to look at the clock. Three a.m. Wiping the tears off my face, I curled into a ball and tried to forget I existed.

I stared at the slice of pizza in front of me. It was lunch again. This morning had blurred away. I guess it's what I wanted, to lose time. I wanted nothing more than time to pass without me realising it, but when it actually happened it still unnerved me. Why did I choose pizza? Too many memories crowded in on my periphery. I was desperate to lock them away, yet terrified to lose them. Angela was watching me not eating. She took a breath, ready to say something. I picked up the pizza and took a bite, wanting to avoid that particular conversation.

I was suddenly ravenous and I swallowed without tasting it, and took another bite. I had eaten half the slice when I started feeling ill. I sipped at my lemonade, hoping it would help abate the queasiness. I felt worse. Perspiration manifested on my brow, my chest contracted. It had tasted like dirt. I couldn't take it. I stood up and left the cafeteria. My abrupt departure paused the lunch room conversation. Usually they ignored me. I walked away as quickly as I could without being unduly obvious. Once out of my classmates' sight I ran seeking refuge, once again, in the girls' bathroom.

I emptied my stomach into the porcelain bowl and then rested my head on the seat. A few slow deep breaths calmed me as I stared in nothingness. Eventually I stood up, sending the disgusting half digested pizza away with a push of a button. While I was cleaning up at the sink, wiping spittle from the corners of my mouth, two juniors came in the bathroom. They ignored me. I was glad my zombie state had made me all but invisible. I felt safer. One went into the stall, the other grimaced and pouted at herself in the mirror.

"Oh no!" A voice sounded out from the stalls.

"What's wrong?"

I didn't want to be here with other people. I still had twenty minutes of lunch left before biology. I decided to wait those out in the library.

"I got my period." I left these girls to their dilemma. As I started down the corridor I began to think. I hated being caught out. When was I due? It had to be soon. I started to panic when I realised that I couldn't remember my last one. I started to get dizzy. Breathe Bella, I told myself, you lose track of the days all the time. You don't even remember this morning, you probably just didn't notice.

While I tried to reassure myself, I caught my reflection in a passing window. Again, the gaunt girl haunted me. I had lost weight, too much. I know that when a body loses too much weight or that in times of extreme stress it won't menstruate. I knew I had a big tick next to both of those boxes. I breathed deeply, that had to be it.

I couldn't sleep, too many nightmares, made me stressed.

I couldn't eat, felt too sick, made me lose weight.

I didn't want to be this girl anymore. I had always thought I was strong. Sure I was clumsy and shy but I was stubborn, determined, if quietly. I looked at that girl, the dead look in her eyes, her thin face taunted me. I whispered my goodbyes to her as I walked to class.

After school I drove to the supermarket. I wanted to set things right. I pushed my trolley up and down the aisles collecting all the ingredients I needed. Once home I marinated the steak and completed my homework on the kitchen table. Charlie came home just as I was putting the finishing touches to our dinner. A big steak for iron, potatoes for much needed carbohydrates and salad for vitamins. He walked into the kitchen. I heard him pause for a moment, watching me. He was always watching, waiting for me to collapse, to scream, to wake up, but I never did. He put his gun down, sat in his chair and then looked at me, a quizzical expression on his brow. I steeled myself and then looked him in the eye.

"Dad, I'm sorry. I know I've been out of it since…well, for a while. But I want to try and be better."

Charlie smiled. I had been so self involved, desperate to act normal, I had convinced myself that I had him fooled. But he knew me better than that.

"Honestly Bells, I'm glad to hear you say it. I was this close to either sending you to your Mom or to a counsellor."

I blanched at the thought of doing either. I couldn't go to Phoenix. As much as I loved my mom, if I left Forks it would as if none of this had ever happened. _It would be as if I never existed…_My breathing hitched at that. My arms curled reflexively around myself, holding me together. Although I had forbidden myself to remember, I needed to have the reminders and one day far away I hoped that I could break down the barricades and enjoy every second we'd had together, but for now I needed to stay in this purgatory.

A counsellor? Like therapy? I assumed for therapy to work I'd have to be honest. No, therapy was not an option unless I wanted to spend the rest of my life in a padded cell. I sat down and focused on eating. I ignored my body and its' protests, unused to so much food. I slowly made my way through the meal, chewing as if it were a chore. Charlie looked like he wanted to say something else, but he waited. I stood to clear the table when he finally cleared his throat.

"Tomorrow night I'm going to visit Billy."

"Oh."

"But it's, like, a party. It's his birthday. Was wondering if you wanted to come?"

"I don't know, Dad."

"You could see Jake again." He looked so anxious that I agreed. And then I was glad I did, Charlie looked so happy.

"We'll have a great time."

"Sure."

Jacob Black. Now that was someone who would surely make me happy, make my life simple again.


	3. Old Friends and Odd Guests

Chapter 3: Old Friends and Odd Guests_  
_

I wanted to drive to La Push, but Charlie insisted. I took my coat off the hook in the hallway and put it on. The weather had turned very wintry very suddenly, or perhaps I just hadn't noticed. Snow fell haphazardly on this lazy town. I suddenly remembered the first time I had seen snow, Mike had teased me. I had wondered why they all looked the same. We'd had icy roads. Tyler's van nearly…

I stopped myself. Closing my eyes, I leant on the front door as my arms clamped around my body. In and out. In and out. Slowly the memories subsided. I scolded myself, I was going out in public tonight, I had to behave, for Charlie.

"Bells, you okay?"

"Yeah Dad, I'm fine. You sure I can't drive?"

"Roads are too wet and icy. I'd just feel better if I was driving."

"Sure. Whatever you want."

As I left the house I focused very carefully on where I was putting my feet. Once the cruiser was on its way I stared out the window. School had been interesting. I tried so hard to not fade out, but everything was too bright, too loud. Like I had been walking around with sunglasses and earmuffs, but now everything was in sharp focus and loud. In English I tried to answer a question the teacher had posed to the whole class. The moment I raised my hand everyone near me looked at me in surprise. I felt so embarrassed I lowered my hand and stared at my book the rest of class.

At lunch I sat next to Angela. I really looked at everyone at my table. Lauren had cut off her long locks, it looked like someone had attacked her with a pair of shears. I wanted to participate in the table's conversation but I had nothing to add, until Mike asked everyone what their plans for the weekend were.

"Well my parents are away for the weekend," Lauren looked at Tyler as she said this. "So I'm having a party tomorrow night. And you are invited." She placed a single finger on his nose.

"Is it just a party for the two of you or can the rest of us come?" Mike demanded.

"Sure. Just don't invite the whole school. I'm keeping it exclusive."

Jessica pulled Lauren away to discuss party clothes and other trivial matters. Mike was trying to persuade Ben to come.

"Come on man, it'll be fun."

"I don't wanna go without Ange." Mike turned to Angela.

"Come on Angela, don't keep him at home. You know he wants to come out." Angela rolled her eyes as Mike tried to blackmail her into coming. I don't know what made me do it. I guess I'd been silent for so long.

"Don't make her go if she doesn't want to, Mike. And don't try guilting her into doing it."

Mike's mouth was open. So was Ben's. Everyone in earshot looked at me in surprise. I felt the blood rise in my cheeks. I looked at my hands. "I mean, she can make up her own mind," I mumbled.

Angela recovered first, "I think I would like to go."

"Cool." Ben nodded enthusiastically, "It'll be fun." Mike looked at me for a second, weighing something up and then it came, "Are you coming too, Bella?" I was about to refuse when I remembered my resolution to try and fit in, be normal again.

"I don't know if Lauren would want me to go. I don't want to upset her."

"Oh she'll be fine. Her parties are always really big, she'll probably never notice." I realised that Mike was looking at me again the way he had when I first came to Forks. The golden retriever had returned. Thank God for Angela.

"So Bella, do you want me to-"

"Bella," Angela interrupted Mike, "Ben and I can pick you up on our way."

"That'd be great. I'll have to ask Charlie first though."

After lunch, as I walked to biology, Mike hovered around me gushing enthusiasm for parties and weekends. I zoned out after a minute.

"Bella, honey, you okay?" Charlie dragged me back to here and now.

"Yeah, sorry." I realised now was probably a good time to ask. "Dad, one of the girls at school is having a party tomorrow night. Can I go?"

Charlie looked surprised. I think he realised that this was me making an effort at getting back to normal. So he didn't even interrogate me about who, when and where.

"Sure. Just don't be out too late."

"Thanks Dad."

We pulled up outside the Blacks' house. I left the car and walked to the front door. Charlie was already on the porch and had the door open.

"Bella!" I looked up and realised it was Jacob.

"Jake." Jacob ran at me and gave me a big hug. He looked honestly so pleased to see me. He smiled from ear to ear, and I smiled back. It was a genuine smile, not forced or fake. It felt good.

"I didn't think you'd come. But I'm so glad that you did."

"I can see. My god, Jake, I think you've doubled in height since I last saw you." Last time I saw him we could look each other in the eye. Now he towered over me.

"Growth spurt." He shrugged and then led me inside.

Billy and Charlie were in deep conversation with Harry Clearwater. Sue sashayed over and placed ridiculous cardboard party hats on their heads. Seth was sitting on the couch, trying to look cool and nonchalant and Leah was monopolising the Blacks' phone, chatting to her friends. Could either of them be anymore stereotypically teenager?

"Hey Bella!" Seth greeted me as if I were family, even though I'd only ever seen him in passing. I smiled and returned the greeting as I sat down.

Within minutes I was sitting comfortably between Seth and Jake, listening to them discuss sports and cars. I couldn't really contribute to either topic, but it was nice listening to them talk and funny when they tried to include me.

There was an awkward moment when more guests showed up. The minute three young Quileute men showed up, Jake tensed up and refused to look at them.

"Who are they?" I whispered to Jake.

"Sam Uley and his gang." I studied this Sam, as he handed a large square box with a ribbon on it to Billy. He seemed familiar. But then his 'gang' all looked the same. They had drastically short hair, were tall and well built, and not wearing much clothing. Shorts and shoes. It was December, the wind was freezing outside, those boys must have been frozen to the core. Sam Uley turned and looked me in the eye.

Then I remembered.

"_Have you been hurt?"_

He's gone.

"What was that?" Jake was looking at me. I realised I'd been speaking out loud. Suddenly the room was too warm and I needed to get out.

"I need to use the bathroom."

"Sure, out the door, second on the left."

I nearly sprinted out of the room.

I ran into the bathroom, shut the door and then rested on it. Slowly, I slid to the ground while my arms held me together. I rested my head on my knees and tried to calm my breathing. It had been Sam who found me that day. Sam who picked me up and carried me back to my father, my house, my reality and now unending nightmare. To him, it must have seemed the right thing to do. During my darkest days, I often wished had never found me, so I could have just stayed on the forest floor while the mosses and lichens claimed me as their own.

Staggering to the sink, I turned the stiff taps and splashed the cool water to my face. Looking up in the mirror, I was reminded why I was here. To try and be normal. Drying my face and hands I left the bathroom without a second glance.

Upon re-entering the lounge room I headed towards Jacob. He saw me and smiled. He was pleased just to see me. I'd been ignored by most people I knew. Those who really cared had left me alone to spiral further into this depression, just cautiously watching from the sidelines with sympathetic eyes. Jacob was just a happy person, and it was pleasingly contagious. I was about to reclaim my spot on the sofa when Charlie's arm snaked around my shoulders.

"Come on Bells. I'll introduce you to the rest of the party." I guess he didn't want me to be uncomfortable with strange people in the room. As he dragged me towards the group of boys, Jacob stood up and followed.

"Bella, this is Sam. You might remember…well. He…" Charlie flustered for a moment, until Sam cut in, "Hi Bella." He nodded at me and then indicated the boys either side of him. Jared and Paul, he named them.

"These are some of Jacob's friends," Charlie assured me.

I looked to Jacob for affirmation but he just glared at them and folded his arms. Some friends. Billy joined the group, "well, now we're nearly all here, let's eat dinner." Charlie readily agreed, trying to dispel the tension, "I'm sure looking forward to your Emily's cake. I'm sure she did a great job."

"She always does," Sam replied. The minute he spoke of this Emily, his face softened. He seemed utterly content. It hurt that he felt so blissfully happy with another and I stood here awkwardly alone. "She's only sorry she couldn't make it tonight."

Jacob shuffled next to me, I had forgotten he was there. He was busy glaring at Paul and Jared. Paul suddenly looked to me. His eyes bored into mine. It was like he was searching for something. His nostrils twitched. A knock at the front door interrupted this weird moment. Jacob exhaled with relief. He grabbed my arm and pulled me away from them to the front door.

"Jake what-"

"Later," he promised.

Half an hour later we were all cramped into the tiny front room. Leah was off the phone and sitting next to her mother, studiously avoiding looking at the corner where Sam and his gang were. I was surrounded by Jacob and his friends, Quil and Embry. Seth was trying to sit in this circle, trying to belong. I occasionally sneaked a glance at Sam Uley, trying to work out what it was about him that seemed to annoy Jacob so much. Luckily he never looked my way. When he wasn't talking to his friends he was watching Embry. Embry tried to ignore them, but he seemed just over-excited. He fidgeted, never still for a moment.

I picked at my plate, desperate to force more food in. Eat Bella, I ordered. My stomach churned but I ignored it. Meanwhile, the boys hoed in like they hadn't eaten in years. Second helpings and thirds were easily put away. I bet Charlie was glad I wasn't a teenage boy, or he'd have to get a second job just to feed me. I slowly ate through my salad, it tasted like ashes and dirt. Finally I gave up on it. I was tired. I was always tired. I stifled a yawn as Charlie approached me.

"Getting late, Bells, and I'm going out early tomorrow."

"Fishing again?"

"The boys from the station found a new spot they want to try."

"Alright Dad."

I farewelled my little group and walked to the front door and Jacob followed me. While Charlie was saying his goodbyes I ducked outside.

"Jake, what was that all about? With Sam and the others?"

"It's too complicated to explain right now. You busy tomorrow?"

I groaned, "I'm working in the day and then I'm going to a friend's party," although the word 'friend' felt a thousand times too strong. Jacob looked so crushed I then added, "but I'm free on Sunday."

"Great. Come down and we can spend the day together."

"Sure." With my acceptance, his grin went from ear to ear. I think I saw nearly every tooth in his head. It was so easy to make him happy.

The voices from the party drifted outside.

"She still looks like hell, Charlie."

"She's doing better. She promised me she was going to try." Charlie vehemently defended me.

"I told you the Cullens-"

"Good night, Billy."

Jacob and I stared at each other, eventually Jake looked away, embarrassed.


	4. Cliches and Conspiracies

**Any thoughts? At all? Anyone reading?**

**BTW this chapter has a lot of New Moon in it. Had to. It's not plagiarism, it's research. Belongs to Stephenie Meyer, I'm just being creative.**

Chapter 4: Clichés and Conspiracies_  
_

Saturday morning dawned, the sky a mixture of pretty pinks and oranges. I sat at the kitchen table pushing cereal around my dish as the sky changed colour. Charlie was hovering around the house, fixing things. He'd mended one of the kitchen cabinet doors, changed the washers on all the taps in the house and now he was contemplating on how to stop the back door from squeaking. His fishing gear was by the front door ready to go. I guess domestic duties had caught up with him.

I forced the cereal down. I had to try and eat. I just had no energy to do so, and when I did the food had no taste. My shift at Newton's passed relatively quickly. Mike asked me every hour whether I was still coming to the party. It was irritating, but at least he wasn't treating me like a pariah anymore. I made me feel normal again. Just as I was about to leave he opened his mouth again, but I interrupted him.

"Yes I'm still going tonight."

"Oh. I was actually going to ask if you needed a ride." We both knew that I had a ride. Mike was so persistent.

"Angela and Ben are picking me up." I calmly reminded him.

"Okay, cool. I'll see you there then."

"Yep." I waved goodbye and walked out of the shop.

Once home I rummaged through my wardrobe. I picked a green sweater and a pair of jeans. Showered and changed, I started dinner. Charlie and I ate in silence. A knock at the door signalled to me it was time to leave.

"Have a good time." Charlie called from the lounge room.

"Thanks Dad."

The drive there was too quick. I followed Ben and Angela up the path to the house with a tight chest. I knew Lauren wouldn't want me here, so why was I here? Loud music poured out of the house, rattling the windows. Angela looked to Ben, lips pursed.

"It'll be fun" he assured her. He grabbed her hand and they crossed the threshold. I took a deep breath and followed them in.

The house was dimly lit and there were teenagers draped over the furniture trying to look cool. I recognised nearly all of them from school. So much for keeping it small and exclusive. My presence raised a few eyebrows, but nothing was said, at least not that I could hear over the music. I made my way through the crowd, finding Angela and Ben chatting with Mike. The minute Mike saw me his face lit up like it he'd had two Christmases in a row. I received a similar reaction when I saw Jacob yesterday, but it was different. Jacob seemed to genuinely like me as I was. I felt like Mike's eyes glazed over when they looked at me, seeing something that wasn't quite there.

"Bella! I can't believe you're here." He reached out and grabbed my arm to make sure I was really here.

"I said I would come." I tried to subtly pull my arm back.

"Can I get you a drink?"

"Sure."

Within minutes Mike, Ben, Angela and I had paper cups in our hands and we had nestled into a corner of the house, trying to talk over the loud music. I took a tentative sip of my drink. It was coke, but there was definitely something else there. I was about to say something when Lauren came into view, Jessica behind her right shoulder.

"Bella. You came." Lauren narrowed her eyes at Mike and then returned to me. She looked me up and down. My modest sweater and jeans combination seemed to offend her. I was feeling out of place and under dressed. Lauren was wearing a hot pink dress that looked like it had been painted on. Jessica wore a low cut halter with a denim skirt. My fingers curled around my cup.

"I didn't think you knew how to have fun." Lauren giggled at her witty remark and then sauntered off, her ankles wobbling slightly in her ridiculous stilettos. Jessica looked at me, she wasn't angry, jealous or even bitchy. She just looked sorry for me. And that was it. I could have taken anything else, but it was the pity that drove me over the edge. I downed my drink and immediately requested another. Mike happily complied.

I was feeling uncomfortably warm. I was on a sofa with Mike sitting way too close to me. The room was noisy and hot. A lot of the guests were rebelliously smoking and drinking, trying to look like they did it all the time. My second drink was nearly gone. It had been a lot stronger than the first. Every time Mike looked at me and began to lean in I would turn away and drink. The room was spinning and I couldn't breathe. I had barely eaten dinner and the alcohol had gone straight to my head. I stood up and pushed my way outside to the yard. The cold night air hit me hard, making me dizzy. My arms crept around my ribs as I blinked, trying to get the cigarette smoke out of my eyes.

A hand gripped my shoulder. Mike had followed me outside. My head was swimming, my stomach gurgled and my heart hurt. Before I realised it, Mike's lips were on mine, his arms gripped my waist. It was when his lips parted mine and his tongue forced its way into my mouth that I came back to life. My hands pushed on his chest and I stepped back. I dragged the back of my hand across my mouth wiping away the spittle. Mike looked shocked, disappointed even.

"Bella, I thought you-"

"I have to go." Staggering away I grabbed the doorframe and pulled myself into the house. Pushing and shoving through the hot bodies in this hot room I saw Ben. I grabbed his sleeve and pulled him away from his circle.

"I'm going home."

"Do you need a ride?"

"No…I…just tell Angela I went home. Okay?"

"Sure. Good night." Ben turned back eagerly to his conversation.

I ran out of that house and into the cool embrace of the fresh night air.

My mind kept replaying the scene. I could feel his hands, his slimy lips, his hot breath. I wished I'd slapped him. But I had panicked and run. I was such a coward. I felt disgusted with myself. My clothes stank of cigarettes, my breath probably stank of alcohol, what had happened to me? I had gone from zombie Bella to teenage cliché Bella in the blink of an eye. I don't think this was what I had in mind when I promised myself to try and be normal.

Hot breath, hot lips…I couldn't stop. They weren't right. Too hot, too soft. Is this what it would be like? If ever I kissed again I would compare to him? If that was so, I didn't want to be kissed again. Firstly because it made me think of him and secondly because it would tarnish the memory of every kiss we had shared.

I slowly wandered in the direction of home down the dark streets, my arms wrapped around myself to keep out the cold and to keep me together. I desperately wanted Mike out of my head. After several failed attempts at distractions; listing every state, remembering calculus problems and reciting favourite recipes, I did something I hadn't done consciously in months. I let go. I recalled his lips, on my mouth, on my neck. His cool fingers tracing my collar bones, creeping under my shirt. His cool solid muscles moving over me. I remembered my hands tracing lines down his bare back. I remembered his tender kisses, his passionate embrace, his gentle caresses. I slowly sank to the ground and cried.

It got colder and darker as I sank deeper and deeper into misery. I realised I couldn't stay on the pavement in the dark. Although I had successfully chased all thoughts of Mike Newton out of my head, I was now ready to sink back into a zombie state. It was easier than being here, alone. The promise I had made to Charlie, and to myself, resounded in my head. I will try and do better. It stirred me a little, enough to get me off the ground. The thought that started me back home was that of Jacob. I was going to see him tomorrow, he would make me smile.

I tried to be as quiet as possible as I entered my dark house. I desperately wanted a shower to wash away a layer of dirt, smoke and bad memories, but I worried that it would wake Charlie. As I walked past his door I heard him snore loudly. I sighed and gave in. Charlie was a deep sleeper.

The water was almost too hot. I hopped around, trying to escape the scalding droplets, yet at the same time I refused to change the temperature. I wanted to scrub away physical and psychological layers of dirt and that needed very hot water.

Once the hot water ran out, I rubbed my skin nearly raw with my towel and then brushed my teeth twice. I tiptoed to my room, crawled into bed and tried to sleep.

My bed was no longer just my bed. It was our bed. And I had to sleep in it alone every night. Well, not sleep. I would doze in small exhausted windows but I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned in bed. The floodgates had opened and the memories poured out. I couldn't stop them. I could never rest easy in this bed. I had finally given him every piece of me. I had thought that that night was when our love was its deepest. It was for me. I knew now that he was just giving me what he thought I wanted. Sex. I had just wanted _him_. Every piece of him. I knew I had always been greedy and selfish. These flaws had given me what I wanted but in turn had driven him away. He could only fake so much with me. My arms held me while I desperately wished they were his. Tears rolled down my cheeks and soaked my sheets. I faded in and out, desperate to sleep, terrified to dream, yet frantic to escape the conscious world.

I woke up more exhausted than I had been the night before. Fragments of fractured nightmares haunted the edges of my consciousness. It was a cloudy day. The sun had tried to fight the clouds, but eventually gave up and sulked in its corner. I played with my breakfast absentmindedly. I was trying to decide how early was too early on a Sunday morning to visit Jacob. I decided it was still too early. Trudging back upstairs I switched on my computer. Writing to Renee seemed like a good distraction, I'd been very lax in that department recently, too out of it to care. Now I would try and be normal again.

It wasn't until I was on the road that I realised I was excited. The thought of seeing Jacob again made me smile. It wasn't forced, but a genuine smile. I cut the engine on noisy truck as soon as I could. The minute I was out of the cabin I was wrapped in warm strong arms.

"You came!" My feet left the ground as he hugged me.

"Of course I did. I nearly came here two hours ago, but I thought I'd better let you sleep in."

"Looks like you could've done with a sleep in too." He traced a finger gently under my eye. I took a step back and his hand dropped awkwardly.

"So what do you want to do?" Jake's question hung in the air for a moment.

"Whatever you want. What do you normally do on a Sunday?"

"Work on my car. Chill out in the garage. But it sounds kind of boring."

"No," I interrupted, "it sound cool. You're building a car? Can I see?"

It was over an hour later and Jacob and I were drinking warm soda and talking. Well, Jacob did most of the talking and I encouraged him. I leant on the car, the Rabbit, as I now knew what it was.

"Hey Jake, Billy said you were…" Quil stopped mid-sentence as he walked into the garage. "Oh hey Bella."

I waved at him as he and Jacob clasped hands.

"What's up?" Jacob asked as he passed Quil a soda.

"Just wondering if you've seen Embry? I can't find him anywhere." He cracked open his drink and poured half of it down his throat in a single gulp.

"Nope. Haven't seen him since Friday night. He did seem a little, I don't know, jumpy, over-excited though." Jacob said thoughtfully, "it didn't help that Sam was watching him the entire night."

Sam Uley. That name again. He seemed to be admired by Billy, Harry and Sue Clearwater and yet almost feared by Jacob and Quil.

"What is it with Sam?" I finally asked. I had been waiting since Friday night for an answer. Jacob and Quil shared a meaningful look.

"It's nothing Bella." I was about to protest when Jacob looked at me, trying to convey something with his eyes.

"We just don't like him." Quil finished for Jacob. "I'm gonna go. See if I can find Embry." Quil said his goodbyes and gave Jacob another long look before he left. As soon as he was out of earshot I turned to Jacob, ready to unleash a torrent of questions. Jacob simply said, "Come for a walk with me."

I walked beside Jacob, busting with curiosity yet I had enough sense to see he was trying to order his thoughts. Our feet had taken us to the beach and I let the dull roar of the ocean waves calm me down.

"Sam is, he…he leads the La Push Gang." Jacob started.

"You have a gang?" I was almost impressed. I didn't think La Push was big enough to even have a club.

"Yeah, but its not what you think. Sort of hall monitors gone bad. They're all about _our_ land and tribe pride, it's getting ridiculous."

We had arrived at the old bleached tree where Jacob had first told me about vampires. It seemed to be the place where he would always tell me his secrets.

"The worst part is that the council takes them seriously, including my dad. Embry heard that they call themselves _The Protectors_ or something like that." He snorted derisively at that. At the mention of Embry's name he grew more agitated. He was worried about him.

"They don't sound that bad," I offered, "more annoyingly goody two shoes for a gang."

Jacob was tugging the end of his long ponytail. "What's really bothering you? Is it about Embry?"

"Embry," he sighed, "it's almost getting scary. With Sam's gang, they seem to disappear for a couple of days and then they show up again idolising the ground that Sam walks on. It happened with Jared and Paul."

"So you're worried Embry's going to join them."

"Yeah. And I'm worried I'm next." His lip trembled and he turned his face away from me.

Sam didn't seem that scary, but if it worried Jacob, then it worried me. I threw my arms around as much of him as I could. "Don't worry Jake. If it gets too bad, you can always come and stay with Charlie and me."

Jacob smiled looking at my arms around him, "I should get upset more often." He stood up and pulled me to my feet, "come on, we've got the rest of the day together and I'm not going to waste is talking about Sam Uley."

The time passed quickly. We didn't seem to do much, content in each other's company. I was sad to leave. That night was the first night in a long time I slept without dreams.

School the next day was awkward. Mike had greeted my cheerfully, claiming he'd had a great time at the party. So great in fact that he couldn't remember most of the night. He boasted about his hangover the next day.

"I just hid in my room, avoiding the sunlight, you know. Did you get home okay? Don't really remember you leaving…" I decided to play along. It would just make things easier.

"Yeah. I guess the alcohol hit me hard too. I have a couple of blank spots from that night as well."

He sighed in relief.

The day passed slowly. I drove home after picking up the groceries desperately trying to think of something to fill the scarily empty afternoon. I hated having free time, it let me think. Just as I put the last of the groceries away, the phone rang.

"Hey Bella."

"Jacob! How are you?"

"Good. I was just wondering what you were doing?"

"Nothing. Pretty bored actually."

"Wanna come down to La Push?"

I smiled. I now had a solution to my problem.


	5. Devotion and Despair

**A/N: Comments. Thoughts. Pretty please. If I get a review, I'll post another chapter before Christmas (that's in less than three days people!)**

**Chapter 5: Devotion and Despair**

I was doing better. I had regained a little weight. My collar bones still jutted out awkwardly, my face was still thin, my eyes dark and tired, but I couldn't deny the evidence of my eyes. I was a little thicker in the middle once more.

It was getting colder, Christmas was a week away and I had spent nearly every day with Jacob. When I wasn't at school or at work, I was in La Push or on the phone to Jacob. Charlie didn't bother to contain his glee at my superficial recovery. I was still hollow and in pain, but Charlie was happy and so was Jacob, so I was content. I knew that Jacob liked me more than I deserved, more than as a friend. But I was afraid to bring it up with him, scared he'd accuse me of leading him on, of promising more than I was willing to give. But I couldn't give him up. Selfishly, I clung onto him with everything I had because he made me feel relatively human again. I could see the irony. The only time I had ever truly felt normal and in tune with those around, most human, was when I was part of a vampire family. I had never been truly alive until I was with _him_. Dead amongst my kind and alive amongst the undead, I knew I was weird.

The day had dawned cold and crisp and sunny. I finished work at Newton's early, due to a lack in customers. Storing my vest behind the counter, I walked out of that shop and into my truck. The behemoth roared into life and carried me to La Push.

"He's not here." Billy dashed all my hopes with those three words.

"Well, I'll just go for a walk. In case he comes back."

"Ok."

Damn. Now I had free time and complete peace and quiet to think. The last two things I wanted. I wandered to the beach out of habit, but misery found me and dragged me under. Nestled between two rocks I cried, occasionally accompanied by the keening wail of seagulls and the melancholy swish of the water.

Time passed and a pair of strong warm arms found me. Nothing was said. I let Jacob's arms pull me back together while the hole in my chest throbbed.

"I'm sorry." I said when I finally looked at him. He just shook his hand sadly.

"I keep hoping that you're getting better. I feel like you're better than you were, but seeing you like this…"

"I don't know how much better I'll get, Jake. He was my whole life."

"That doesn't sound very healthy." I opened my mouth to protest but he got there first, "but I can see how being without the one person you care most about can make you crazy."

Oh oh. I could see this heading into dangerous territory. I sat up and pulled myself out of Jacob's arms. I turned to face him. He reached out and grabbed my hand.

"Jake." I protested, pulling my hand out of his. He reclaimed it and held on tighter.

"Bella I want-"

"Jacob I can't-"

"Bella, let me finish." I sat silent and still. "I know that you are going through a tough time, but you're not alone. I want you to know that I will always be here for you. I don't want to see you hurt or in pain. So I promise to be here for you."

"I…Jacob. I can't-"

"You like me don't you Bella?"

"I do, but-"

"You like me better than all your other friends, right? Or you wouldn't be here all the time."

"I do."

"Then as long as you like me best, I'll be around. I know you're not ready for anything else, but I'll wait."

"Jake, I don't want you to wait. I don't know if I'll ever change from this. I'm not worth it."

"How about you let me decide what I want to do with my time."

I sighed, at least he wasn't leaving me. Selfishly, I smiled at him, pleased that I wasn't alone.

"And you are worth it."

We walked the length of the beach, Jacob keeping his arm around my shoulder to keep me warm. I commented on it, amazed at how warm he was. He just laughed it off. He seemed buzzed, jumpy. I guessed it was because he was happy. I ruined his good mood with my curiosity.

"Any news on Embry?"

"He's part of Sam's gang now. He just worships the ground Sam walks on and gives me funny looks." Jacob looked distressed at the loss of his friend. "Quil and I don't know what to do. Billy is no help."

I didn't know how to help. I doubted that 'friend-stealing' was something I could report to my father in his professional capacity.

The beach slowly became darker and colder as the time passed. Eventually we wandered back to my truck and I hesitantly unlocked the beast and prepared to leave.

"Will I see you tomorrow?" I asked, suddenly hesitant. Jacob ran his hand through his long hair and grinned at me.

"Try and stop me."

I smiled back and then drove home with a heavy feeling in my gut.

I rang Jacob the next morning, but no one answered the phone. I thought it odd, but resigned myself to spending the morning at home. Dragging out the decorations, I spent the hours without Jacob distracting myself by getting into the Christmas spirit. Although I felt desperately un-jolly I knew that this effort would make Charlie happy. Plus I spent a good hour untangling fairy lights which was distracting enough, and then spent the rest of the morning dropping Christmas decorations on my toes as I attempted to hang them on the plastic tree. I found my gifts for Charlie, Renee and Jacob and wrapped them awkwardly, trying to forget the last time I had handled gift wrap, and placed them under the gaudy tree.

At midday I sat myself down and forced a sandwich between my teeth, then rewarded myself with a phone call to La Push. Again, no one answered. I was getting worried. It was irrational, silly to think that something could have happened, but I fretted nonetheless. I spent my afternoon researching the most complicated Christmas recipes I could find, and planned a luxurious Christmas lunch. I promised myself one phone call after dinner, and that thought carried me through the meal.

The phone rang and rang. Surely someone was at home? The house couldn't have been empty all day. Finally someone picked up the receiver. I was greeted with a gruff hello.

"Billy?" I answered desperately. I then realised how ridiculous I must seem to a rational person. It had only been twenty-four hours since I'd seen Jacob.

"How are you?" I asked lamely.

"Uh-"

"Can I speak to Jacob?"

"Not right now Bella." Something was wrong.

"Is everything ok?"

"Jake's sick," I knew it! I knew there was a reason I was uneasy all day.

"Is he ok? Can I come down and visit? Do you want me to bring some dinner?" The questions poured out of me like a flood.

"No." His answered cut me to the quick.

"Why not?" I knew I wasn't in a position to demand anything, but he was my friend and I wanted to see with my own eyes that he was alright.

"He's got mono. Doctor said to keep him isolated for a couple of weeks."

"Weeks." Not weeks. I couldn't be alone for that long.

"Yeah. I've got to go."

"Ok."

"Bye Bella." The dial tone mocked me. How was I supposed to survive weeks on my own. Jacob, my sunshine, my light, had coaxed me out from my zombie shell and now I was naked, exposed and alone. I knew I was becoming scarily co-dependent, no longer able to function on my own. But simple Bella Swan had never been enough on her own. I had never truly fit in, never been on the same wavelength as the rest of the world until _Him_. But then I wasn't enough and when he left, every iota of self worth that I had went out the door. Perhaps I was being melodramatic, but for me it hadn't been an ordinary love. I had loved with every cell in my body, my heart, my soul, had been given and then deemed not good enough. That would crush anyone's spirit.

_Jacob would be fine_, I reassured myself. _Then what?_ We can go back to living a half life, with Jacob always wanting more than you can give?

_Shut up!_

I had to stop arguing with myself.

I trudged up the stairs and to bed, but not to sleep. I was haunted all night.

I rolled out of bed as soon as I saw daylight touch my curtains. After I heard Charlie leave the house I left my room. Ignoring the worry that was slowly building at the back of my brain, I walked to the bathroom and into the shower. During my shower I worked myself into such a frenzy of worry and despair I ended up naked and dry retching over the toilet bowl.

Looking in the mirror, I lectured myself into some semblance of calm. I was overreacting. My emotions were bent out of shape. After trying to ignore the world and, for all intents and purposes, be an unfeeling shell, my moods were now back with a vengeance. I thanked my lucky stars I had work all day. A distraction.

Twice I stopped myself from ringing Jacob at work during my shift. My resistance caved once I was on my lunch break. I used the phone at the counter, cradling it between my neck and shoulder while ignoring Mike who was cleaning the counter under me with undue care.

"Hi Billy, it's Bella. How's Jake?" I launched in the second the phone picked up.

"He's still sick."

"Can I talk to him?"

"Not today."

"Okay." I was unsure how to continue. The awkward silence was only interrupted by the squeaking of Mike's cloth on the glass counter.

"Bye Bella."

"Thanks Billy." I sighed but he had already hung up the phone. Billy didn't seem too worried about Jacob, so I guessed I shouldn't be either. But I couldn't help it. Fretting seemed to be the only thing I was good at.

"So who's Jake?" Another sigh. Now I would have to give some type of explanation to Mike the Labrador.

Three days passed like this. Every day I would go to work, bleary eyed and exhausted from a night of tossing and turning. My resolve would hold until my lunch break, whereupon I would seize the phone and dial Jacob's number. At first Billy answered but now it just rang out. He must have invested in caller ID. Today Mrs Newton let me go at lunch time. It was Christmas Eve and I was fed up with waiting. I dumped my vest and said my goodbyes in a blunt manner and flew out of the door and into my truck. Within minutes I was on the icy road to La Push and rehearsing different speeches to get past Billy to see Jacob.

My truck shuddered to a halt on the icy gravel and I ignored the way my breath fogged in front of me as I jogged to the front door. I knocked loudly and shuffled my feet impatiently. As the door opened I took a big breath ready to unleash my tirade. When I saw who answered it I was suddenly lost for words. It was Sam Uley.

A few seconds passed in silence and I realised it wasn't Sam, but Jacob. His long hair was shorn off into a crew cut that Sam and his cronies had. There was an angry sneer on his face that had disappeared for a moment when he recognised me, but now it was back.

"What do you want Bella?"

"I…I-" I stuttered. "Oh Jake, you're ok." I reached out to hug him but he stepped back out of reach. Something was very wrong.

"You need to go home Bella." I felt a hand on my shoulder. Turning around slowly, warily, I realised it was the real Sam Uley. Anger coursed through me. I now knew what was going on. My hands shot out and I pushed Sam on the chest.

"What have you done to him?" Sam took at step backwards. I shoved again, but this time he didn't move. "What have you done to Jacob?" It was all Sam. He had taken my friend away from me, brainwashed him. I stood my ground, glaring at him, chest heaving with ragged breaths. My head swivelled from left to right as I glared at both of them. Sam's gang had spread out lazily in front of the house, but their eyes were trained on me. Sam and Jacob looked at each other and then said something in Quileute. Sam nodded and Jacob took my elbow and led me away from the house, towards my truck. The boys gathered together and filed into the house. I scowled at them until they were out of sight.

"Bella, I don't want to be your friend anymore."

_You don't want me_. No, not again. I couldn't do this. _It's not as bad_, I argued.

"No." I was fighting, like I should have done four months ago. I was sick of being walked over, of being told how things should be. "No. I'm not letting you go. It's Sam isn't it? What has he done to you?"

"It's not Sam. It's me." Jacob sighed, his arms folded across his bare chest. He was only wearing shorts in this icy weather.

"It's not you, it's me. Real original Jake."

"Let it go Bella." Jacob warned. He stood with his feet planted firmly apart, his fists were now balled tightly at his side.

"No, you're my friend, let me help you."

"You've got it wrong. Sam is…really cool. I'm going through some stuff and he's helping me. I'm gonna hang with him now." I couldn't let him go, but he wouldn't let me help him.

"Jacob, please." I begged, but I wasn't sure what for. He seemed to crumble for a minute. He lifted his hand and stroked my cheek, wiping away a tear. He stepped closer, looking me in the eye. His other hand cupped my cheek and he leant in. I didn't expect this. I couldn't do this. I backed off. He shook his head and sniggered derisively.

"Just tell me why, Bella."

"Why what?"

"You still choose that bloodsucker over me." The cold fury in his voice scared me. He was shaking all over.

"I don't know what you mean."

"The Cullens." I flinched. "You knew what they were and still you mope over them."

"That's none of your business Jacob Black!" His eyes were black with hate, his teeth were bared and I hurt.

"I guess I got tired of being the rebound guy to a leech."

I gasped, my arms clutching my chest. Anger mixed with pain as my eyes swam with tears. Jacob was dumping me. Jacob knew about the Cullens, and he really believed it. Jacob hated me for loving them. Before I knew what I was doing I had grabbed Jacob's shoulders, lifted my knee and hit him where it counted.

"You jerk!"

I stumbled to my truck, grimly satisfied noting the way Jacob clutched at his groin. I heaved it into gear and drove home, furious, heartbroken and sobbing. I pulled the truck up sharply outside my house. Taking a few calming breaths, I tried to get myself under some sort of order. As I walked to the door, I noticed Charlie had decorated the porch with the remaining Christmas lights. He was also making an effort this year.

"Merry Christmas Bella!" Charlie called out as I staggered in. I couldn't do it. I couldn't face him like this.

"Hey, are you…" Charlie saw my face, eyes red and blotchy. "What happened?" His hands grabbed my shoulders. I pulled away.

"Jacob doesn't want to be my friend anymore. He…he knows I can't….he wanted too much…and I can't let him go. But he's my best friend…. I can't-" I ran upstairs to my room. I dove into bed and cried all night. I ignored Charlie each time he checked up on me.

Jacob had just plunged another hole into my empty chest. Now there was too much forbidden, too much to push away.

It was early when I rolled out of bed. Calm façade in place, I showered, dressed and reported to the kitchen. It was Christmas Day and I wanted to disappear.


	6. Resolutions and Realities

**Chapter 6: Resolutions and Realities**_  
_

The last four days had been unbearable. The nights were worse. Charlie hovered, that's how bad it was. He never hovered. After the first night, Charlie rang Billy. I tried to focus on my cereal. Charlie grumbled loudly into the phone while I tried to rub the exhaustion out of my eyes. Nothing came of it.

I tried to forget Jacob. I finished each assignment for school, twice. I scrubbed every inch of the bathroom floor for hours and even washed every piece of linen in the linen closet. I wrote Jacob letter after letter. Some were pleading, others demanding and a couple had words in it that I would never say out loud.

_Jacob,_

_You're a jerk. I cannot believe you did that to me after you promised. I told you how I felt. I told you I couldn't....not yet. But you push, you always push. You piece of..._

_Jacob,_

_Forgive me. I don't know what I did wrong but if you just give me more time, maybe I'll get better, please..._

_Jacob,_

_You're being so cruel. Why won't you talk to me..._

_Jacob,_

_I need you._

But each one ended up in the trash.

At least in the daylight I could distract myself with chores. At night I lay in bed, arms wrapped around my knees. Curled into a small ball, I cried. I tugged at my hair, frustrated and angry at myself. I wasn't just angry about Jacob, but the person I had become, utterly dependent on a relationship. Even though I despised myself for it, I gave in and analysed every word I had said to Jacob. I was so sure that I had made it clear that we were just friends. Something had changed and I couldn't figure out what.

When I did sleep I had nightmares. Always nightmares. It wasn't the usual nightmare, the empty fields and painful emptiness, but rather the dream I'd had when I first came to Forks.

_Mike Newton tugged on my hand, "we have to get out of here, Bella!"... the beast lunged..._

"No! Not Edward!" I stuffed my hand in my mouth and bit my knuckle till it bled. The sheets had tangled around my legs and shadows danced on my walls.

The fifth day dawned and I was going insane. I didn't know what was real anymore. Vampires – ridiculous, but they seemed real. Was Jacob real, or had I imagined him to pull me out of this depression?

Charlie was gone for the day. As I walked down the stairs I was hit with a wave of nausea. I clutched the banister and slowly lowered myself to a step. I sat with my head in my hands for fifteen minutes while the world spun around me. I couldn't throw up because I hadn't eaten anything.

Eventually I was able to stand again. Wearily completing my journey down the staircase, I then headed to the kitchen. I had been neglecting myself again but I didn't care. I grabbed a granola bar, put it in my jacket pocket, and left the house. I had to get out.

La Push was forbidden to me now. A self imposed exile. I turned to key in the ignition when inspiration hit me. I knew where to go.

Still majestic, the serene white building was surrounded by a sea of long grass, dancing in the wind. I had proof. They had lived here, I wasn't going insane. Approaching the house cautiously, my right hand stretched out reaching for the door, as my left held me together. I hesitated, almost hoping it would be locked, and then pulled the handle.

The door swung open silently. Not even a gothic creak to welcome me. With every step I made, I was hit with memories, each unpleasant and unwanted. It was here I lost him. Sure, it was in the woods he left me. In the woods where I died. But it was here something snapped in both Jasper and him. Jasper had slipped. I understood that. But...him. He must have finally noticed how human I was. Or must have tired of protecting me. Or something.

I stopped in the hallway and sunk to the floor. I couldn't go any further, but I couldn't leave either. Again I was stuck, not quite inside this world, but not out of it either.

I watched the sunlight traverse the floorboards, it must have been a couple of hours. Occasionally I would close my heads and just listen to my heart beat and my lungs take in air. I wasn't remembering moments, but the feelings; the love I had shared, the sense of family, the rightness of it all. Every time I had cried over them I was so sure it would be the last time. Now I realised I would never stop, I couldn't and I didn't want to. Salty drops twinkled on te floorboards as the warm yellow light warm it and then moved on.

Finally I disengaged my arms from my legs and staggered to my feet. Stumbling to the front door, I left the house and closed it gently behind me.

I drove home, empty, drained and chewing greedily on the granola bar I'd packed. That night I fell into bed exhausted and drained and slept dreamlessly.

New Year's Eve dawned and I awoke with a resolution. I knew that resolutions were meant to be fulfilled in the New Year, but I couldn't shake this sense of purpose.

The truck shuddered to a halt at the end of the one-oh-one. It had to be real and I was going to find it.

I slowly put one determined foot in front of the other. Memories of our walks in the woods pushed at my conscious mind, terror mixed with heartache. Occasionally my feet would slip on the sodden icy ground but nothing would deter me. It had to be there. As I marched doggedly through the undergrowth, nightmares tried to envelop me.

_We're leaving._

_You don't want me._

_You're not good for me Bella._

_Mike tugged at my hand, "Come on Bella! We have to get out of here"_...

Foolishly I closed my eyes in an attempt to dispel these images from my mind.

"No, leave me alone." I begged. I opened my eyes, but was still blinded by tears. Staggering forward through the bushes, I collapsed on the grass. I couldn't move anymore, paralysed by my dreams. I closed my eyes while my palms pushed at my temples, trying to force memories out of my head.

It was the silence that finally roused me. It was odd. No birdsong, no rustling of creatures in the undergrowth. Like every living thing had fled the area. I looked up and realised I was in the meadow. His meadow. Our meadow. I'd found it. I sat up and looked around. It was just an empty patch of grass. Winter had stripped it of any beauty. Or perhaps now that the hazy filter of love had been ripped from my eyes, I saw nothing special in it.

"I didn't think you'd make it this easy."

I snapped my head around. The owner of the voice was standing in the shadows at the edge of the meadow. It was a vampire.

Laurent. I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing.

"The Cullen place is empty." He looked at me thoughtfully.

"They... they've gone hunting. They'll be back soon." I tried to be convincing. His scarlet eyes narrowed at me response. He had hunted recently. He had hunted _humans_ recently. I stood up.

"It's been empty for a while." I said nothing. He took a friendly step towards me. Too friendly, I didn't trust it.

"Victoria sends her regards." That name stopped my heart. "She says she'll see you soon." A frown crossed his face. "But here's the thing," he took another step closer, "I'm thirsty."

"But your eyes..." I protested.

"True, I ate just outside of Seattle, but I always was partial to_ dessert_." His lips parted in what was meant to be a smile. All I saw was predatorial teeth.

His last step brought him within arm's length. His icy finger trailed a path down my cheek. As his finger started to travel to my neck, I took a step away. I couldn't run. I couldn't fight him off. A vampire's strength and speed had been demonstrated to me here on this very spot. I had to say something to stop him.

"Victoria..."

"Yes, she wanted you. A mate for a mate, she said."

A mate for a mate. I was going to have to explain, this would hurt.

"But Edward and I.... We're not...he left." In my terror, I'd lost my ability to even form a coherent sentence, but Laurent seemed to understand.

"What you and Edward are, or are not, now is irrelevant to her."

"So if you-"

"She will be very angry with me," he interrupted, "but I'll lie. Tell her I did it slowly, painfully."

"No." I objected. His hands came towards me while I staggered back. I tripped and fell on my back and air gushed out of my lungs, leaving me winded. He had let me fall, and seemed to enjoy my fear as it shook my shoulders.

A cold hand gripped my forearm tightly, white teeth approached my skin. My heart pounded, I couldn't breathe. I tugged at my arm uselessly. "Don't. Please. Don't." But I gave up. _Edward, I love you. _I saw his beautiful face, his golden eyes, his crooked smile. I saw him and I said goodbye.

The wind shifted and Laurent's eyes flicked to the shadows behind me. Suddenly he let go and staggered back a pace. I turned and saw five giant creatures lumbering out of the woods. Wolves. But they were too big. Monsters. Each was the size of a horse.

Laurent snarled at them and then turned and ran away. I was stunned. A vampire scared of a couple of wolves? The vampires I used to know would have had these for breakfast. A big breakfast. But then the wolves bounded after him very quickly, howling their war cry. They were _fast_. Except one, a russet beast with liquid eyes had stayed on the spot. He looked at me. I held my breath, scared to move an inch lest it attack me. He held my gaze and then turned and ran after his pack.

I knew I didn't have long. Even if those wolves were freakishly large, I knew the strength a vampire possessed. And the speed. Laurent would be back. But I had a distraction and I took it. I ran from the meadow. Branches whipped my face, my feet stumbled on logs, but I didn't stop. I arrived at my truck with my lungs aching. My hands shook so hard I dropped my key twice before I got it in the ignition. I drove home as fast as I could, boot pressed so hard on the accelerator it was flat on the floor. I kept expecting Laurent to tear the door off my truck any second.

I ran inside my house, slammed the front door shut and slid to the floor, gasping for breath. He was real. It was all real. And it had all come back to haunt me in the most terrifying of ways.

I clutched my ribs while I wheezed, trying to catch my breath. I couldn't think straight. Laurent. Teeth. Meadow. Wolves. Victoria. Five words rebounded in my brain, accompanied by a plethora of images and visions. Laurent would come after me. He would tell Victoria. They would kill me. They would kill Charlie.

Once again my hands pressed on the temples. I didn't know what to do. Should I run? Was there any point? Should I stay and hope they kill only me and leave Charlie alone?

A door slammed and I started. I jumped to the window and saw Charlie exiting his cruiser. I couldn't face him looking like this. I was covered in mud and grass stains. I ran upstairs, taking two steps at a time and sought sanctuary in the bathroom. By the time Charlie walked in the house the shower was on and I was peeling my clothes off. The warm water did its best to soothe me. I mechanically scrubbed off the dirt and massaged shampoo through my long tangled hair, but I felt numb. This was a different numb. Before, I was a zombie, living for Victoria wanted me dead. Cruel fate had given me my wish in a left-handed way.

**Thoughts?**

**Merry Christmas Everybody...  
**


	7. Secrets and Solutions

**A/N: Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer (and some dialogue... had to, this did start as New Moon) Trust me on this. It's going to get a whole lot less New Moon-y very soon.**

**Chapter 7: Secrets and Solutions**_  
_

My eyes slowly focused. I was in my bed, in a pleasant place between sleeping and waking. As my room changed from large colourful blobs into furniture it hit me. Laurent. Teeth. Meadow. Wolves. Victoria. I gasped and half-fell half-rolled out of bed. I looked to my window but it was still closed. I tried to control my breathing so I could hear if Charlie was still in the house but I couldn't hear anything over my gasping. Clunky footsteps sounded out on the hall and I sighed in relief.

There was a knock on the door and Charlie stuck his head in.

"You okay Bells. I heard a thud." Charlie looked at me sprawled on the floor next to my bed and raised his eyebrow.

"Uh... I fell out of bed. Tangled in my sheets. I'm fine." I explained.

"Okay, kid." He raised a brow, shook his head and then left me to pick myself up.

Last night came back to me now in a rush. After my shower I ran to my room. I had called out to Charlie, telling him I was tired and going straight to bed, instead I spent hours pacing in my room. I didn't know whether to just wait for the inevitable and pray that they left Charlie alone or go out and try to find Laurent and Victoria and just give myself up.

At one point I decided to give myself up. I sat down to write a letter to Alice to explain. Even thinking her name still hurt, she left me too, she never said goodbye. But it hurt less than the obvious alternative. The last time I left the safety of a hotel and friends to meet my death I wrote a letter to someone who loved me. I felt a strange symmetry. Fate had finally caught up with me, and this time I didn't have a protector. I wanted to explain what I was going to do and why, and maybe if Alice still cared about me she wouldn't be too sad at what I did.

_Dear Alice..._

And that's as far as I got. I tore up the letter and let my head fall to the desk. I stayed there for what felt like hours while the world outside my window got darker and colder. Finally I switched my lamp off and sat in the dark.

Suddenly there was a loud noise outside my window. Victoria. She was here. I was frozen in my seat while the wind howled outside. Then I heard the noise again. It was the tree outside my window, straining in the wind it scratched at my window.

I jumped up, and like a child, I ran to my bed and hid under the covers. Hiding from the monsters, cowering, shaking and praying that I would live through the night. I must have fallen asleep after that.

Now I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing. I decided to go on my life, if that's what it was, as normally as possible for as long as possible.

The next three days were bad. I jumped at the slightest noise, chest hurt from the erratic breathing and my heart never really slowed it's quick pumping. I only slept when I absolutely had to. I roused myself each morning to listen for Charlie and see whether he'd lived through the night.

I had finished my shift at Newton's. It was dark already and the air was so icy it hurt to breathe. Key in hand, I walked swiftly to my truck, my eyes scanning the area. I knew that if a vampire didn't want to be seen, then they wouldn't, but I did it anyway. Just as I reached my truck a black shadow appeared next to me.

My scream was cut short when a hand clamped on my mouth. I dropped my key and stumbled back onto the truck.

"Bella, it's just me."

"Jake?" I gasped out. My chest was heaving and I couldn't stop shaking. Jacob looked at me shaking, shuddering and trying to breathe.

"Bells, you okay?"

I started to laugh. I knew I was hysterical.

"Okay? I'm just fine and dandy." I giggled and then collapsed on the frozen ground and sobbed while I hugged my knees.

The old Jacob would have hugged me. This new Jacob looked like he wanted to but he held back with a myriad of emotions crossing his face. After a couple of minutes I got myself under some semblance of control.

"What are you doing here Jacob?"

"I want to try keep my promise."

"The one where you promised never to hurt me and always be there for me or the one where you promised you'd cut your hair and treat me like dirt? Because at the moment, you're only keeping one of those promises." I snorted and then started walking around to look for the key I'd dropped. Jacob, realising what I was doing had it in his hands within seconds. He passed it to me. As his hand touched mine I was shocked at the heat in his palm. The weather was icy, my nose was numb, and Jacob's hand was toasty.

"I'm so sorry Bella. I want to explain. But I can't." He sighed. He looked so pained I was reminded of the old Jacob; the one who was scared of Sam, who just wanted to be my friend. He still needed me.

"You can tell me anything. Is it about Sam? Let me help you." I reached out and took his hand.

"I can't." He despaired. Then his face lit up. "But the thing is you already know my secret. I already told you." I was confused. "Bella, haven't you ever had a secret, something you never told anyone else because it wasn't your secret to tell?"

The Cullens. That had been my secret. Jacob was looking at me pointedly. Vampires had been my secret, but it was Jacob that had told me that secret.

"Don't you remember when I told you–" he took a breath. Like he couldn't force out the words. He then tried another angle "that day on the beach?" He prompted.

"Where you told me about the vamp... Cold Ones?"

Jacob looked pained. "I shouldn't be surprised _that's_ the story you remember."

"I don't remember anything else, Jacob."

"But you will. When you do come and see me. If you want to, that is."

I was about to reply 'Of course I want to see you' but he'd already turned away and was running down the street.

I drove home, and for the first time in three days I wasn't thinking about Victoria and my impending death but rather I was trying to work out Jacob Black's secret. Dinner was made for Charlie, although I wasn't present in mind. I managed to burn myself while cooking, I was so distracted. While running the burn under the tap, I cast my mind back to the day at the beach. I remembered the myth, the Cold Ones – the vampires. There was something about a treaty between the Cullens and the Quileutes. But there must have been _something_ I was missing. I nearly growled in frustration.

"You here Bells?"

"Huh?" Charlie dragged me back to the present.

"You've had your hand under that faucet for five minutes. You okay?"

"Oh. Yeah, I'm fine Dad. I was just thinking." I turned off the tap and sat at the table to join Charlie for dinner.

"Have you made up with Jake?" Charlie looked me in the eye, desperate to see some light there again. I'm sure all he'd seen there recently was terror, exhaustion and depression.

"No. He won't speak to me. But I'll work it out." As soon as I said that words, I knew it was true. Yes, Jacob had left me. He might have had a good reason. But I now knew that a proper relationship had to be equal. If he had a reason then we would work it out together.

"I knew you would honey."

I guess I was doing with Jacob what I should have done four months ago: Stand my ground, be strong, work things out. But I promised myself to do better. I would eat better, sleep better, be stronger, fight for what I wanted, work out Jacob's secret. I only hoped that I would live long enough to do so.

I paced my room. I never used to be a pacer. It was a habit I'd picked up from...someone. After pacing and trying desperately to recall every word Jacob had said for over an hour, I threw myself into my chair and turned on my computer.

Replying to Renee's emails kept my busy for a bit but Jacob still loomed large in my mind. On a whim I opened another window and searched '_Quileute Legends_'. I knew what Jacob had told me was part of that legend story. I was hoping to find something that would trigger my memory. I chewed on a lock of my hair as my eyes skimmed over the hokey home-made website that I'd found. Suddenly my eyes hit a word. Wolf.

_The beliefs of the Quileute tribe varied over time. The Quileute creation legend says that a traveling shape shifter came upon a wolf and transformed him into a human being, creating the first Quileute._

Then Jacob's voice sounded in my head. The right memory returned to me.

"Another legend claims that we descended from wolves." The scary story Jacob shared with me on that bleached driftwood tree. Where he jokingly broke a treaty he didn't believe in.

"The cold ones are the natural enemy of the wolf – well not the wolf, really, but the wolves who turn into men, like our ancestors. You would call them..."

"Werewolf." I whispered. It couldn't be real. Surely one mythical creature was enough for a lifetime. Vampires I could deal with. Trying to contemplate the existence of werewolves was almost too much for my exhausted mind.

Jacob was a werewolf. That didn't seem right. This was Jacob, my Jacob.

The boy with long hair.

The boy who could rebuild car engines from scratch.

The boy who smiled so easily.

The boy who was hurt at the loss of his friends.

The boy who made me smile, who made me feel normal again.

Was now a werewolf who cut his hair, who hurt me, who had joined Sam's gang.

I had to know everything. Glancing at my clock I saw it was late. After ten. But I had to know. I grabbed my keys and ran downstairs. Charlie was staring at the television, his eyes glazed over. He looked ready for bed.

"Dad, I need to go and see Jacob."

"It's a bit late for social calls Bella."

"Please, I won't be long. I just have to speak to him." I didn't want to ask permission, because even if Charlie refused I was still going. But I had put him through so much, I felt I had to do right by him.

"Come back soon. I'll be waiting up for you." It was permission and a time limit. I thanked him and ran out of the door.

He heard my truck approaching and was waiting for me on the porch. I left my truck and stayed there.

"That was quick."

"Google." I replied. Jacob rolled his eyes. He then crossed his arms and looked at me, waiting for me to say something. There was about five yards between us. But it felt like a black hole. A huge vacuum that engulfed any familiarity our friendship had had. Neither of us moved. I finally said the word.

"Werewolf?"

"So you remembered." It wasn't a question. He just looked at me, his arms folded across his chest. His eyes were wary. I let go of the breath I'd been holding when he confirmed my theory. My breath swirled in front of me in the cold air.

"Is there any way to fix it? To stop it happening? There must be some way to undo what Sam did to you?" I was desperate to help my friend.

At the mention of Sam's name Jacob's eyes flashed.

"It wasn't Sam who did this to me. It was your precious Cullens." Jacob's voice was loud in the silent foggy night. The venom in his voice when he said their name stung my heart. I wrapped my arms around me and took a step back. No matter how much I tried to avoid that name, it came back to me again and again. I looked at Jacob and he saw me backing away from him, my arms holding me together.

"This isn't fair Bella. You worshipped those leeches. You hung around them, talked with them and God knows what else you did, as if they were normal people and yet you're terrified of me." He left the porch and cross the void between us in three large steps. He gripped my shoulders and looked me in the eye. "It isn't Sam's fault I changed. It's theirs!"

"How? They didn't even know about you. They wouldn't hurt people this way." I protested. No matter what they did to me, I would always defend them.

"They didn't have to do anything other than exist. Their stinking presence brought this out in us." Jacob's eyes glistened. An ancient sadness swam in his eyes, a melancholy that wasn't just his own. I was sure of it.

"How can I help you, Jake?"

At this plea, Jacob moved his arms around me and dropped his head to my shoulder. He just wanted to be held and God knows I needed a hug. We stood in each other's arms silently for a while.

"Jake, I have to go. Charlie is waiting up for me." I pulled back out of his warm embrace.

"We need to talk more." Jacob was unwilling to let me go.

"I know. But it's going to have to wait."

A sudden noise out in the darkness behind me had my heart beating and my head buried into Jacob's shoulder.

"What's the matter, Bells? You're terrified."

"It's nothing. I have problems too, Jake."

"Right," Jacob said, opening the door to my truck. "I'll drive you talk."

**Reviews? Please just push that button and send me a smiley. I love emoticons.**


	8. Worries and Woes

**Chapter 8: Worries and Woes**_  
_

I sat in the warm cab with my arms wrapped around my legs and I stared at the road in front of me. In the end it was Jacob who broke the silence.

"I hope he wasn't your friend."

"Who?"

"That bloodsucker we killed. The one in that meadow." My eyes nearly bugged out of my head. I turned to look at Jacob incredulously.

"Laurent is _dead_?"

"If he was the leech who was sniffing you and trying to make you lunch, then yes." In my mind I saw him again. Laurent leaning towards me, his scarlet eyes boring into my own while his teeth came closer and closer to my outstretched arm. I shuddered at the memory.

"How?"

Jacob laughed, "it's what we do Bella. It's what we were born to do." I remembered the giant wolves that had emerged from the woods. The russet beast that had looked me in the eye before turning to chase down the monster that had threatened me.

"But they're so fast." I objected.

"We're faster."

"And strong. They're like marble." I continued to argue.

"Strong teeth." He smiled at me, showing me his pearly whites. "Bella, we chased down that leech, tore him apart and then burnt the pieces. He's not coming back."

I started to cry. I think it was mainly relief, but there was a bit of hysteria left over from the constant terror I'd been experiencing that last couple of days. Jacob left one hand on the steering wheel and pulled me to him with the other.

"Bells, honey. I'm sorry. He was going to hurt you. We had to kill him. Although he was technically on Cullen territory, they're gone now. So we're trying to cover more ground." Jacob was babbling, trying to justify what he did and comfort me at the same time.

"So he's not coming after me anymore?" My voice was muffled against his bare shoulder. His warm musky scent filled my nose and calmed me down.

"No."

I sighed with relief. "Thank you."

"Is that's what's wrong? You thought this whole time he was still out there?" We had arrived at my house. Jacob parked my truck and then turned to face me.

"What else was I supposed to think, Jake? I didn't even know werewolves existed. I saw a vampire run out of my sight followed by some giant wolves. I know how strong they are and how fast. I've been praying that he would be satisfied with just killing me and leaving Charlie alone." My breath was shaky and my nose was running. "I've been so scared. And alone. My best friend abandoned me and I couldn't tell anyone else." Jacob's face was a mask of pain. He pulled me to him again and murmured apologies in my hair.

"I promise you that you're safe." He pulled back and brushed my hair out of my face.

We sat in silence for a moment. I let my mind process what I'd found out. My best friend was a werewolf. This werewolf and his friends had killed the creature that was trying to kill me. I was safe now. I sighed in relief.

"I've got to go."

"I know. Know that I'm keeping you safe tonight, I'll be nearby." Jacob smiled at me. "Come and see me in the morning."

I was too exhausted to argue. I stumbled from my truck to my house. Turning to wave goodbye, he was already gone.

As I entered the house, I heard Charlie snoring on the sofa.

"Dad, get up. You're going to hurt your back if you sleep here." I tugged at his arm. Charlie snorted and slowly focussed his eyes on me.

"You get what you wanted?"

"Yeah Dad."

"Good." He answered blearily and then dragged himself up the stairs.

I slept soundly. It was such a relief. My eyes focused on my alarm clock, it was after ten in the morning. Heaven. It was Sunday, and school started again tomorrow. I rolled out of bed and walked slowly to the bathroom. A long hot shower soothed away the last of my worries from my tense muscles.

Dressing warmly I slowly made my way down the stairs and to the kitchen. I needed a big breakfast today and was in the mood for an omelette. Three eggs, a large glass of juice and two slices of toast later I was ready to face the day. I was feeling good. I was sure I'd eaten more today for breakfast than I had all last week.

The funny thing was, although I hadn't been eating much at all the past two weeks or so, my jeans were still sitting firmly around my waist. It was actually uncomfortable. These were the jeans that had been huge on me three months ago, at my lowest point, were now too small. I trudged back upstairs, feeling slightly ridiculous, and found another pair of jeans. A pair I hadn't worn in nearly five months. A pair that had always been too big for me. They fit me perfectly. I thought it strange, but I was pleased I was finally gaining weight again. But the bathroom mirror had shown me this morning that my cheeks were still hollow, my collar bones were still too prominent. It was a little strange. But I put it from my mind. I was going to La Push today.

"I missed you." Jacob's arms wrapped around me the second I had left my truck. I knew he wasn't just talking about last night.

"I know. I missed you too, Jake." Jacob put his arm around me and we started to walk. We walked in silence for a while, just getting used to the idea of being friends again. Eventually we made our way down to the beach.

"So," I stared awkwardly, "how's being a werewolf working out for you?"

Jacob let his head roll back and he laughed. "Now that you know, it's awesome." He enthused.

"I have some questions." I was always curious where the line fell between fact and fiction for my mythical creatures.

"Of course you do. Shoot."

"Do you need a full moon to change?"

"Nope." He looked smug for a moment, then that old sadness crossed his face. "We can change whenever we want, but it's usually when we get angry. I get angry, I start to shake, everything goes red and then I'm a wolf. It's the main reason I pushed you away. I didn't want you to get hurt. It only takes a second for me to lose my temper and then I have claws and teeth and you're hurt."

Things started to make sense. Jacob thought he was dangerous and didn't want to hurt me. The waves lapped at the shore, a quiet regular sound, like a heartbeat.

"You seem in control to me."

"I would never hurt you." Jacob's eyes suddenly seemed too full of love, too strong, too much for me. I looked away, watching the seagulls flutter on the breeze and wracked my brain for werewolf mythology.

"You're so warm all the time?" I turned the phrase into a question.

"We just run hotter than normal people." I just nodded in response.

"I thought werewolves were supposed to be, you know, half-man half-wolf, but you're just a freakishly large wolf."

"Another myth. This is what we are." We had reached our bleached tree. I took a seat and let a finger trace patterns on the driftwood.

"So you said last night that you're fast?" I prompted. I wanted him to start telling me more.

"Well we're faster than those bloodsuckers, so that probably means something to you." Jacob replied as he sat down next to me.

It certainly did. I still remember the rush of the wind on my face as I flew in the arms of someone I loved. I nodded.

"Also, when I'm a wolf, I can hear the rest of the pack's thoughts. It helps us coordinate, you know, when we're hunting. But it can get kind of annoying the rest of the time, having everyone else know every little thing that comes into your head."

"Hmm." I nodded. Talk of mind-reading was just too close to the bone. It hurt too much.

"So Sam is the leader of the pack?"

"Yes, he's the alpha." Again, another grimace crossed Jacob's face.

A comfortable silence fell over us. I started to look at the incident in the meadow in a different light. Laurent threatening me and then killed by the wolves before he could get back to...

"Victoria!" I stood up and my head swivelled from left to right, searching for that flame-haired monster.

"Bella, what's wrong?" Jacob stood up next to me, his hands out ready for anything.

"It's not over." I realised how stupid I'd been. Sure Laurent was dead, but that wouldn't stop her from coming. "Laurent was just a scout. He was just doing this as a favour to Victoria."

"You mean the red-haired bloodsucker?"

I just nodded, my fear choking me.

"We've got it under control." Jacob waved his hands at me in a cloud of confidence. "She keeps coming at Forks, but we keeping scaring her off. We just run patrol and she turns tail and runs."

"Don't you go near her, Jacob." I ordered. I gripped his shoulders and stared in his eyes to make my point. "She's dangerous. Very dangerous."

"She's just another leech, Bella. Nothing we can't handle."

"But you could get hurt!"

"Don't be stupid. I'll be fine." He pulled himself out of my grasp easily and sat down on the log. "It would be so much easier if we knew what she was after." He mused.

"Me."

Jacob's head whipped around at an alarming speed and he gaped at me. "What?"

"She's after me." I stood up and walked towards the shoreline, my arms held me together. As much as I'd tried to forget about the creatures of the night, the paranormal came back to haunt me again and again. I sometimes wondered if God just wanted me dead or perhaps he just needed some entertainment.

"Why you?"

I breathed slowly in and then out. "Because Edward," I swallowed back my pain, "was responsible for the death of her mate last spring. So she wants me dead. A mate for a mate, Laurent said. I guess she doesn't know he and I aren't..." Jacob came up behind me and wrapped me in strong arms.

"I need to tell the pack. This is really important."

It was over two hours later before we were alone again. I had gone to Emily's house, Sam's Emily. Seeing the way they were together was beautiful and excruciating, it made me feel so alone and unwanted. Now that I saw Emily though, I partially understood why Jacob had pushed me away. The terrible scars down one side of her body were frightening. Sam had lost control for a second, and now Emily will have to live for the rest of her life with the consequences.

Jacob told the pack my news while they devoured enough food to feed three basketball teams. Eventually I was dubbed 'vampire girl' by the irritable Paul. I was sure he was angry that Jacob and I had found a way around Sam's order. Embry, at least, was happy to see me.

After reorganising their patrols they wandered out of the house ready to part ways. Paul was staring at me, like he found something about me disgusting. He finally said something. To Jacob.

"Well Jake, take your leech lover home. How does it feel to be second choice to a bloodsucker?"

"Just ignore him, Jake." Embry put a steadying hand on his brother. Jacob might have been able to ignore him but I couldn't. Anger flooded through me. This _person_ was insulting my Jacob. I took two steps forward and slapped him across his stupid smug face.

"You leave him alone. You _jerk_."

Paul suddenly shuddered, his arms twitching. Sam grabbed me around the waist and pulled me back. Paul suddenly exploded into a giant ball of fur and came running at me. Before I had a chance to scream Jacob tore past me and phased into a wolf in mid-jump. The two beasts clashed and then rolled around and around, biting at each other. Sam sighed.

"Embry, Jared, take Bella back to Jake's house." He then turned away and ran after the giants beasts in the scrub.

"C'mon Bella. Let's go."

"But Jacob? He's going to get hurt." I protested.

"Nah," Jared said, "they'll be fine."

With those laidback assurances on my mind, I quietly fretted as these boys escorted me back to the Black's house.

Billy home, so I waited in the garage. Occasionally I leant on the rabbit, but I spent most of the time pacing. It had started to rain again. The fractured rhythm pounded on the tin roof while I tried hard not to let repressed memories come to the surface. Instead I marvelled at seeing Jacob turning into that giant russet wolf. Eventually I started feeling queasy and I had butterflies fluttering in my stomach.

Then Jacob Black strolled in like he didn't have a worry in the world. He was laughing.

"Oh Jake, you're okay." I ran to him.

"Course I'm fine."

"I was worried you'd get hurt."

"I'm fine. And even if I did get hurt, I heal quick, it's a wolf thing. Do you wanna see?" Jacob walked past me and grabbed a screwdriver off the bench.

"Ugh. No, Jake. I believe you." I looked outside and realised it was getting darker. "I've got to get home."

"I'll drive. I'm not ready to let you go yet."

That night, as my head hit the pillow, I felt safe. I knew Jacob was running around out there, watching over me. Although it upset me to think how he was running himself ragged over me, he told me that there was absolutely nothing I could say to stop him from doing it. So I relented and let myself be looked after.

The following week at school went by in a blur. Everyone gushed about their Christmases and I just nodded and smiled and watched the clock. I spent every afternoon in La Push when I wasn't working. Jacob and I spent time doing homework, watching lame television shows and generally just enjoying each other's company. Occasionally he would ask a question about the Cullens. I tried not to hurt at the mention of their name and answered as truthfully as I could. He was particularly interested in hearing about the extra talents some of them possessed.

"You mean he could hear anyone's thoughts."

"Everyone but me." My knees were up and my arms hugged them to my chest.

"What's wrong with you?" Jacob raised a brow at me.

"I don't know. Apparently I have a freaky brain." Jacob laughed at me. I turned back to the television. The cooking show was over and a new program had begun. The phone started ringing and Jacob walked away to answer it. It looked like the cooking shows were over for the day so I picked up the remote and switched to a random channel. This one was halfway through a biology documentary, something called _An Everyday Miracle_. I turned to watch Jacob on the phone when suddenly something made me prick up my ears and listen. The narrator had a friendly, all-knowing male voice, _"...may be detected in a number of different ways without medical testing. Most pregnant women experience symptoms such as a missed period. nausea, vomiting, excessive tiredness and fatigue..."_ The voice continued its lesson but I snatched up the remote and violently switched off the television.

Jacob came back into the room looking like he had bad news.

"Bells, I'm sorry but I've got to run patrol. Some things changed and they need me."

"Okay." I answered but my mind was trying not to think. I stood up, said goodbye and then drove home, all the while trying not to catalogue my symptoms. This just wasn't real. I'd only ever had sex (I still blushed at thinking the word) once and it was with a vampire. A vampire who could not have children. There was absolutely no way in the world that it was possible. Was it?

**A/N: Reviews? Do you like where I'm going? Was it obvious all along? Please drop me a line....**


	9. Confirmation and Confessions

**Chapter 9: Confirmation and Confessions**

I just had to know. I mean the idea was laughable. But I felt too wrong to laugh about it. I spent a week fretting about things I knew just couldn't be true. I walked the halls at school watching the other students live their normal lives while I felt like I was cut off, living in some shimmering void. Every break I had I would dash into the bathroom and just look at myself. I would turn from left to right, my eyes narrowing as I focused on my stomach. The concept was ridiculous.

But I just had to do the test and prove myself wrong. I couldn't buy it in Forks, this town was just too small, someone would see and then the whole town would assume what I feared to be true. No, I had to go somewhere else, preferably far away. Ideally California, or perhaps Nepal. But I settled on Port Angeles.

While everyone walked to lunch, I went to the nurse. I permanently looked pale and ill, so all I did was groan and she let me go home. I started up my noisy truck and headed out of town. I was supposed to meet Jacob after school. I winced. What if it were true? How would he react? And the rest of the pack? However, I would rather face a pack of volatile furious werewolves than tell my father that I might be… I couldn't even think the word. I would take the test, it would be negative, and then I could drive straight to La Push and spend time with Jacob being young and stupid. No one would ever know and I could forget. I pleaded silently with the universe for this. Surely it was time something went my way?

The groans of my truck were the only sounds I heard the entire trip. I had no other choice. I couldn't remember exactly when I had done it, but the shiny new stereo was now a bloody mangled mess on my wardrobe floor. My fingernails had just recovered from that burst of violence.

It was a sunny day. I wanted, no, _needed_ the weather to be dark and foreboding. Ominous even. Instead I had muggy sunshine filtering softly through the trees. Maybe this was a sign, a positive one. Eventually I made it in the city limits, over an hour later. I drove around until I found what I needed. Despite the sunshine, I put on my coat and pulled the hood up. I felt safer. Although I'd been essentially invisible at Forks High School for the past couple of months, I didn't think this ability would extend all the way out here. I walked quickly into the store with my head down.

Now I had to face my dilemma. Do I go straight for the tests, buy them, and get out? Or do I fill my basket with a whole bunch of items I didn't need and tried to hide it amongst them. The shop was quiet, only two other people in the entire store apart from the person manning the cash register. It was a motherly looking woman. Damn. I had hoped for a disinterested teenage girl.

I just couldn't wait. I walked up and down the aisles wondering where they kept these things. I scanned the shelves, I almost blushed as I passed all the condoms and lubricants until I found what I needed. Of course there were at least ten different brands. Quickly, quickly, I hurried myself, what if someone sees? I grabbed the nearest one, turned and started to walk away. Then I stopped. What if it was faulty? I needed another one. Even if the first was positive there was no way I'd believe it. Sighing to myself, I returned to the shelf and grabbed another one, different brand. That would have to do.

On my way to the checkout I pick up the largest bottle of water I could find. I placed my items on the counter and looked to the ground. I heard three mechanical beeps. I glanced up to see the total and pulled the money out of my wallet.

"Do you want a bag for these, honey?"

"No." I grabbed the tests and swept them into my school bag. I collected my change and the water and started to go.

"Hey, honey!" I almost panicked. "You forgot your receipt." I turned back and claimed my proof of purchase and then left the building.

Safe once more in my truck I shifted the thing into gear while taking a big gulp of the water. That was how I drove home, gulping the water down while my palms sweated and my mind desperately trying to control errant thoughts. Calculus and Spanish were my salvation. Focusing on complicated formulas and new phrases kept me distracted until I was home.

I arrived home twenty minutes before school was out. I dumped my bag in my room, pulling out the controversial purchases, and then locked myself in the bathroom.

A little pink line mocked me. I refused to believe it. I closed my eyes and emptied the last of my bottle of water into my mouth. Quick shallow breaths weren't helping me, but I couldn't stop. I opened the second test and pleaded with God. I don't know what I was pleading for, perhaps all I wanted was for things to be easy, clear for once.

Another positive. I sat on the bathroom floor surrounded by the wrappings of two pregnancy tests, an empty bottle of water and an ocean of terror. My hands slowly explored my stomach. I had thought I had been regaining healthy weight, albeit in the one place. But instead I realised it didn't feel like soft flesh. It was more solid, like a tightly packed water balloon.

This had to be the most painful and yet beautifully extraordinary moment in my life. I had in me a constant reminder of the man I desperately tried to avoid thinking of. Edward. He haunted me in my dreams, and fluttered on the edges of my every moment. I pushed the memories aside while longing for the real thing to come back, to stand in front of me and swear that he was wrong, that he needed me, that he loved only me. But that was wishful thinking. He didn't love me. I was just his 'pet' as Laurent had said. An entertaining, clumsy, frail human distraction.

Tears blurred my vision as I held myself. Well, now it wasn't just me I was holding. I was holding two of us together. Although he left me, I now had a part of him. _As if I never existed_… I had his child and that made him real. It made his temporary love a permanent fixture for me. I sat and cried tears of joy, mingling with pain and terror as I whispered his name again and again. Edward.

The shrill ring of the phone brought me back to this reality, I didn't know how long I'd been sitting on the floor. I ran down the stairs and answered it breathlessly.

"Hello?"

"Bella?" Jacob sounded worried.

"Oh Jake, I'm so sorry. I went home from school early, I was feeling sick."

"Are you okay? Do you want me to come over? I can try and make you some chicken soup. Or bring you a can of soup from the store to heat up?" I smiled through my tears. His concern enveloped me in a warm embrace. For a moment I felt safe and loved.

"No, thanks Jake. I think I'm just gonna go to bed. I'll call you later okay?"

"If you want. But if I don't hear from you in twenty four hours I'm coming up there."

"Don't worry about me. I'm not turning into a werewolf, just a stomach virus."

"Alright Bells. Hope you feel better soon."

I put down the phone and then realised the time. Charlie would be home in half an hour. Evidence of my secret was scattered all over the bathroom floor. I ran upstairs, tripping on the last step. I hopped to the bathroom while I held my knee and tried really hard not to swear under my breath. Gathering the wrappers and the tests I put them in a plastic bag. Then I took the bag outside to the trash. A quick inspection of my knee showed I would only have a large colourful bruise.

Dinner was on its way while I deliberated on what to do. One hand stirred the pasta while the other rubbed my stomach. It felt fuller. I felt content for a moment and then I switched to terrified. Charlie would be so angry. He'd throw me out. Renee would be so disappointed. I wouldn't be able to face her. I did a quick mental calculation. It had been sixteen weeks since my birthday. I was just on four months and I knew that I was on the cusp on not being able to hide this anymore. This week alone I had ballooned, although I had stubbornly refused to believe it.

Jacob. Suddenly his face floated in my mind. He would be so angry and the pack would want to kill me. I should leave before anyone found out. Running away was a coward's way out, but then I had never been brave.

Where would I go? Phoenix? Too close to Renee. Seattle? Too close to Charlie and a pack of werewolves. Perhaps I could hide in New York, or Chicago. The more I thought about running away, the more my heart broke.

Forks was my home. It was a part of me now. I couldn't run. I was going to dig in my heels and stay right here. I would suffer the taunting, the looks. If Charlie threw me out, I would find somewhere else to stay, but I would stay here. I decided to tell Charlie tonight, after dinner.

"Bella? I'm home." The front door opened and Charlie walked in.

I took a breath, enjoying the peace and quiet while it lasted.

Charlie sat in the dining room chair, his right hand gripped that table, his left curled into a fist above his knee. A myriad of emotions traversed the planes of his face. His forehead wrinkled, his lips pursed, his eyes squinted. My heart pounded a death knell in my chest. I waited for something, anything; shouting, rage, disappointment, an eviction notice.

Finally he looked me in the eye. "What am I supposed to do?"

I just stared at him in shock. Where was the shouting? The fatherly disapproval? He just looked lost.

"How do I be a good dad, Bella?"

I lifted my shoulders in a small shrug.

"Do I throw you out of the house? Do I shout at you? Should I be disappointed? Do I go out and hunt that boy down and tear him apart?" Charlie had left the chair and paced the length of the room as he hurled question after question at me.

"What do I tell your mother? She'll blame me. What do I do?" Charlie faced me now with his arms folded.

I had tried to be brave, I was sick of being weak. But I felt a traitor tear trickle down my cheek. Charlie was waiting for me to say something. I knew I couldn't leave Forks. I also knew I had no money. "Please, don't kick me out. I need you, Dad." Charlie sighed. "And I'll tell Renee. It's not your fault. You're a great Dad. I…" I was finding it difficult to breathe. "I… it's me. I'm to blame. I made a mistake…"

"Bells, honey, if the blame doesn't lie with me, it lies with _him_. Don't you cover for him."

"No!" I was the danger magnet, the disaster zone. I drew hungry vampires around me, I cut myself in front of them, I ruined my life. "This one was all me."

"Well, I'm going to have to disagree with you there." He sighed and then put his hand on my shoulder, "but I'm not going to throw you out. You'll always have a home with me."

At this point I gave up being strong. I ran to Charlie and he held me as I cried. It felt like it had been so long since anyone had held me. After a few minutes, I calmed down and backed out of Charlie's arms.

"So what do we do now?" He asked.

Charlie was asking me? He was treating me with a respect I didn't deserve.

"I honestly don't know. I've tried to live one day at a time. The future scares me too much."

"Well, how about we take it a week at a time now, instead" Charlie suggested. "So we live out the rest of this week, getting used to the idea, and then next week you call your mother. Then we'll take it from there."

"Sounds good."

I turned to leave the kitchen when his hand stopped me.

"How far along are you? Do you know?"

"Just over sixteen weeks."

I could see the cogs turning in his head, counting backwards. I didn't want to see the look on his face when he worked out the answer.

I was on the first step when I felt Charlie's hand on me again, the look on his face terrified me. He spoke slowly, emphasising every word.

"What did he _do _to you in the forest?"

I could see what Charlie was thinking. But what could I say? No Dad, we did it in my bed on my birthday while you were snoring next door.

"It wasn't like that."

"Then what was it like?" Charlie had gone from purple in the face, the angry dad mode, into scarily calm cop mode.

How could I explain this without making _him_ a villain? I still couldn't even think his name easily.

"Dad, this was my fault. He…Edward didn't want to at first. He said it wasn't right. But I wanted him more than anything I've ever wanted. I convinced him. All he did was give me what I wanted. In the forest, all he did was break up with me. That's all. Please, let me go to bed. I'm so tired." I rubbed my free hand across my cheeks, wiping away the tears. The hole in my chest throbbed. I'd said his name and it reverberated in my head. _Edward, Edward, Edward_. Stop it!

Charlie didn't look convinced but he let me go. He had enough to think about for one night.

Once in my room I let my clothes drop off me, I switched off the lamp and I curled into bed. My hand drew disbelieving circles on my stomach while my head fluttered and whirled. For this one night I let the walls down, though my heart throbbed in pain, I remembered the last night Edward had stayed in my bed, taking a part of me forever and then leaving more than he intended. Cool hands caressed my skin, lips brushed needily against mine and clothes rapidly disappeared under the pressing urgency that our bodies had created. I relived that night and then gasped and cried into my pillow for the rest of the hours until dawn.

My alarm clock ordered me out of bed at a decent hour. I stumbled into the bathroom to have a shower. Warm water rushed over my exhausted body. I examined myself, hands exploring the new weight on my belly. I wasn't huge, not yet, I just stuck out a little bit.

It was while I was getting dressed I realised the gravity of the situation. Not only was I a pregnant teenager, who would have to suffer through the rest of high school as a pariah. I was carrying the child of a vampire and my best friend was a werewolf, now my mortal enemy.

How was I going to tell Jacob?

**I love Charlie. He would never throw out his daughter, no when she needed him so much. Do you agree? But how will Jacob react? What do you think? Let me know...**


	10. Declarations and Commiserations

**Chapter 10: Declarations and Commiserations**_  
_

_Jake,_

_I wish I were brave enough to tell you in person. But I've seen Emily. And you've warned me again and again not to make you mad. When you know my secret, you'll probably want me dead._

_I'm pregnant. I can't hide it for much longer. No one knows except for Charlie._

_They left before I knew. We all thought it was impossible. I know that once you know, the rest of the pack will too. I'm sorry._

_I guess I just wanted to tell you, rather than you finding out another way. You told me your secret, now this is mine. What I'm saying is, you don't need to feel obligated towards me at all. I enjoyed being your friend, you brought a little light into my life when I had none. Thank you._

_Bella_

I didn't stick out as far as I thought. Just over four months and I was able to hide under large t-shirts. My face was still thin and my collar bones still jutted out awkwardly. I had looked for that glow I was supposed to have, but I just looked tired, drained.

I rifled through my wardrobe trying to find my baggiest items. Skimpy, skin-tight clothes weren't really my thing before this (I still found the word hard to think, much less say, despite the growing evidence) however, most of my clothes seemed so fitted. Settling on an old flannel shirt I dressed myself, noticing my largest pair of jeans were now too snugly.

Exhaustion overwhelmed me. I wasn't sure anymore if it was just the nightmares, or perhaps this baby's influence. I knew that a lot of newborns had terrible sleeping patterns. Considering this baby's father didn't sleep at all, I was sincerely hoping that this child would take after me in that regard.

I picked up the letter I had written instead of sleeping last night. After telling Charlie, I needed to tell Jacob. My mom could wait. Tossing and turning in my bed I had finally shuffled over to my desk, squinted against the bright light of my lamp and tried putting pen to paper. I wanted to be gentle, yet honest, to the point but not blunt. He meant too much to me. I knew that when he read this letter our relationship, whatever it was, would be over.

Picking up my keys I headed to the door, then I turned right around and headed to the kitchen instead. Although I really didn't want anything, I reminded myself of the promise; that I would do better. I grabbed a granola bar and chewed it down without tasting it and then drank milk straight from the carton. I then realised I was thirsty. I nearly drank the whole carton in a couple of gulps, some escaping my mouth and trickling down my chin. Feeling overly full, I felt sure I sloshed as I walked, I left the house.

Walking out into the predawn light, I wondered if Jacob was still out there. I hoped he gone home to sleep. Driving to La Push, I worried about the repercussions of the letter. I knew he would blame Edward. Charlie did. It still hurt to think his name but I had to do it. Every time I did my heart would stop with the realisation that he left me and didn't love me, yet the thought I still had a piece of him to love would start it again.

Jacob would get angry, that was a given, but would his instincts drive him to kill me, a human carrying a vampire's child? Even if he resisted, he would have to tell the pack, and then they would come after me. I was genuinely afraid, not just for me, but for us. I could no longer think of myself in the singular, because everything I did would affect this baby.

I didn't know if it, he or she, could hear me, but it was worth a shot. Taking one hand off the steering wheel I placed it on my belly.

"Baby, I'm sorry I didn't realise you were here before. I'm sorry that I dreaded the thought of you existing. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough to keep your father with me." A tear escaped as my voice broke at that. "But I want you to know that I do want you. I need you. You and Jacob are the only things holding me together right now. I didn't think my heart could love any more, I had already given it away. Even though I'll always be his, you will always be mine."

I then promised silently to one day tell it all about Edward, when I was ready.

The sun had risen during this short drive. I hoped my noisy truck wouldn't wake anyone. Leaving the cab I slowly walked to the front door. I was about the slip the letter under the door when it opened.

"Billy!" I stepped backwards in surprise.

"Good morning Bella."

"I hope I didn't wake you."

"Nope."

We looked at each other awkwardly.

"Do you want to come in?"

"Um, no thanks. I've got to go to work this morning. But could you give this letter to Jacob when he wakes up?" I held out the small white envelope. Billy simply took it from me and nodded.

"Thanks Billy."

I drove away from La Push, knowing that after Jacob read that letter, I wouldn't be welcome here again.

My shift dragged on, every hour felt like two. Mike had greeted me with his usual chirpiness. I wondered how long it would last after he knew. I spent most of my shift ignoring my father's advice. I was thinking too much, how to tell people at school. Should I just let them guess? Or perhaps I should tell Jessica, who would then tell the whole school. Or to save time I should just make announcement in the school paper. I snorted at myself, I would never be that bold. Taking the cowardly way, I would just not say anything and hope no one notices my belly slowly swelling over the next couple of months.

My meagre income here, along with Charlie's help, could get me through the summer. But I wasn't sure if Mrs Newton would want to employ a single unwed teenage mother. What about college? The rest of my life? I couldn't face thinking that far ahead, because I had never planned on going down that route, at least not without Edward.

I wondered about Jacob. When would he get the letter? Would he read it right away? Would I have a pack of angry werewolves waiting for me when I got home? That last thought made me pause. I wondered if I should ask Mrs Newton if I could stay back and work a couple of extra hours. The coward that I was wanted to hide in this shop until Charlie got home later tonight.

When my time was up I left the shop dejectedly. I had offered to stay, but Mrs Newton thought she was doing me a favour to enjoy the rest of my Saturday afternoon. I walked quickly through the rain to my truck and then started the short drive home.

I didn't know what to expect, but it wasn't nothing. I parked my truck and there was no one there. No Sam, holding his eager and angry pack at bay until he gave the order. No furious Jacob. No heartbroken Jacob. Just no Jacob. _A clean break_… I paused, leaning against my truck, hand rubbing my belly partly to comfort the baby and partly to comfort me. There was no one around.

Maybe Jacob hadn't read the letter yet. Or perhaps he thought it was a joke he could tease me about later. Either way it didn't matter, it was for the gods to decide. Once inside I exhaled loudly, letting all that pent up tension go. I was fine for about five seconds and then there was a knock at the door.

It wasn't a polite neighbourly knock. It was strong hand that rattled the door on its' hinges. So the pack was just late.

Jacob filled the door. The sky behind him looked grey and thunderous. Raindrops trickled down from his hair onto his strong shoulders and chest. My letter was crushed into one of his hands. He was looking at me with desperate eyes. No, he was scrutinising. He eyes squinted as he looked me over. I didn't want to interrupt this perusal, no matter how weird it was getting. His eyes rested on my stomach which was covered by a baggy t-shirt.

"I don't believe it" he stated flatly.

"I'm still having trouble adjusting." He then looked me in the eyes and my heart just broke.

"How could you Bella?"

I looked to the ground, "I suppose I should get used to people being disappointed in me."

I heard the door close as Jacob came in.

"You were right to write me a letter. I don't know what would have happened if you'd been there" he shuddered at the thought.

"How are you now?" I asked nervously.

"Calm. For now." He reconsidered, "well, not calm. I'm a big bundle of feelings I can't tell apart, but I'm sure I'm in control."

Jacob walked past me and into the lounge room. He sat on the sofa and patted the seat next to him.

"Did you tell the rest of the pack?" I asked as I sat.

"No. I ran here on two legs. I don't know how they're gonna react." He then looked at me, "you don't look, you know, pregnant. You just look like crap."

"Thanks, Jake."

"No I mean-"

"I know what you mean. I think it's a combination of being abandoned by the love of my life and extreme morning sickness."

We sat in silence. I wasn't sure how Jacob was taking it. He took a deep breath, as if steeling himself, and then said, "are you sure it's human?"

"What?" He made no sense.

"Are you sure that thing in your belly is, you know, normal?"

I was flabbergasted. I knew I shouldn't make Jacob angry but I responded without thinking; defensively. "Of course it's normal! Why wouldn't it be?"

"Because its' father is a bloodsucking leech." His hands trembled, his face was almost unrecognizable with fury. We were a bad team. He had a short temper and I was extremely hormonal.

I curled back into the sofa. Of course my baby was normal. Wasn't it?

Jacob had stood up and was taking slow calming breaths. He came and knelt in front of me.

"I'm sorry Bells. I…" He had trouble trying to explain. "Tough day" he summed up.

"Tough week," I responded as explanation for my behaviour. "No, tough month." I considered what had happened. I had finally found a friend only to lose him to what I thought was a cult, I was nearly eaten by Laurent, found out my best friend was actually a werewolf and I realised I was pregnant. Oh, and I still had a homicidal red-headed monster after me. Yes, definitely a tough month.

"Look Bells, we both know I hate… him." He didn't say his name for my sake, but it still hurt that he said it with such venom. "I want nothing more than to hunt him down and tear him apart for what he's done to you."

"Charlie said the same thing. You should start a club" I interjected.

"But," he sat down next to me and took my hand, "I think you need me more." I was about to object to several parts of his statement when he put a finger on my lips. "God knows how long I can keep this from Sam. But I'll try. Bella, I'm always gonna be on your side, fighting for you. No matter what." He ended his vow with a warm hug. I wrapped my arms around him and sat warm and contented and safe.

"So what's next?" I heard Jacob ask hesitantly.

"I have to tell Renee."

"Then what?"

"I don't know. Hide as long as possible, then figure it out when I get there."

"Don't you need to go to the hospital and have scans and tests and stuff done?"

"I don't know. Probably. But I'm not sure whether I should. Because…"

"Because this isn't normal." Jacob finished for me.

"Yes." I had visions of being dragged to underground laboratories by secret government agencies if they saw that the baby inside of me didn't need to breath or could shoot lasers from its eyes. I shuffled uncomfortable on the sofa. "I'm just taking this a week at a time, like Charlie said."

Jacob chuckled, "was that all he said when you told him? Cause I imagined him going purple."

I laughed with him and then proceeded to tell him about that particular afternoon in detail. Before I knew it Charlie was home and I was making grilled cheese sandwiches for three.

Later I drove Jacob home, so Charlie wouldn't get suspicious. Jacob promised to see me soon but to also try and keep me out of his thoughts for my own sake. I was driving home, alone, when I realised something. I wasn't alone. Although I'd admitted it to the people closest to me, I was still shocked every time I remembered it. One hand rubbed circles on my belly while I carefully considered how I was going to tell Renee. That was certainly going to be an interesting conversation.

**A/N How do you think Renee will react?**

**Review, please please please. If I get a review, I'll post another chapter straight away. Pinky promise.  
**


	11. Mothers and Brothers

**A/N Thank you so much for the reviews. You gave me the confidence to keep writing.**

**Chapter 11: Mothers and Brothers**_  
_

It had been four days since I told Jacob my news. So far he'd managed to keep it from his brothers, the pack. Last night Charlie hinted that it might be time to tell Renee. He was right, but it didn't make me feel any better about it. I knew that if I thought about it too much I'd chicken out and either beg Charlie to do it or write her a letter too. My mom deserved better than that. So I came home from school, calmly completed my homework, started dinner, and then picked up the phone and called Renee.

"Hello?"

"Mom, it's me."

"Bella, honey! How are you? Are you alright? It's been so long since you've called." Question after question flooded out of the phone. Just hearing her voice, her concern, made me gulp. I could feel the tears forming. I was so disappointed with myself, I wanted to be strong. My right hand cradled the phone, my left rested on my stomach. I sought comfort from the very thing that could ruin my relationship with my mother.

"Mom, I need to tell you something."

"Bella, are you crying? What's wrong? Do you need me to come down to Forks?"

"I…I don't know how to say this any other way." I took a big breath, "I'm pregnant."

Then there was silence. I think this was the first time I'd managed to stop her in the middle of a tirade of concerned questions.

"Mom?"

"Was it…was it him? Edward?"

"Yes."

Silence again.

"Why did you wait so long to tell me?"

"What?"

"You must be some way into it. How much have I missed?"

"Mom…aren't you mad? Or disappointed? Or ashamed? Anything?"

"Bella, the way I feel about that boy, well, I don't want to say anything in front of you because I don't know how you feel about him. With you, I'm a little disappointed to have been kept out of the loop for so long. And I'm worried for you because it's going to be tough by yourself, and you're so young. But this is happy news. The creation of life is always the best news in the world."

I was crying now. I sat down on the floor next to the phone.

"I only found out a couple of days ago." I started to tell Renee the story.

Charlie came home an hour later to find dinner ruined and me still on the phone with Renee. I said my goodbyes for now and then passed the phone to him. While making spaghetti bolognaise I thought about what my mom had told me; about being pregnant, what to expect, what had happened to her. Talking with her about it made me feel normal. While stirring pasta, I felt flutterings in my stomach. I realised now that it wasn't nervousness or butterflies in my stomach. It was my baby moving around, stretching its little limbs.

That night was the first in a long time I slept without dreams.

It was exactly a week that my peace lasted. I had just finished my shift at Newton's and was walking to my truck when Jacob appeared at my side.

"Can I ride home with you?" He looked sombre as he asked.

"Sure. Get in."

We drove in silence for a couple of minutes.

"They know."

"Oh."

"I'm sorry Bells. The past three nights I've been running double shifts. I was tired, my mind wandered."

"It's okay Jake. You're exhausted. What kind of person would I be if I got angry at you for making mistakes? I'm the single unwed teenage mother here."  
The silence returned.

"So what does Sam say? Am I a threat now?"

"We don't know. No matter what, I'm on your side and Sam knows that. Paul thinks that anything even part bloodsucker has to be killed. Sam just wants to make sure that it's not dangerous. So instead we play the waiting game."

Jacob and drove back to my house in silence. Just as we arrived, Jacob scrutinised my face.

"How are you?"

"Honestly, I'm tired. I been sleeping more in the last week than I have in the last three months but I'm still tired. And I wish I could eat more. I have no appetite yet I feel hungry all the time. I make something to eat and I just get nauseous and can't eat it. Or if I try anyway, I just throw it up again."

"Are you worried about school yet?"

"I'm always worried. But since… well for the past couple of months I've been pretty much ignored by most of the student body for my strange behaviour, so if they continue to ignore me I figure I'm safe for a month or two more."

Jacob looked at my large sweater hiding my belly. He hadn't actually touched me to make sure that the bulge was real, he always eyed it warily. I got the feeling that he didn't like it very much but was willing to put up with it because it was part of me.

I sometimes wondered if Jacob could read my mind.

"Bells, I don't like this. I don't like that baby, mainly because it's, like, a symbol of how bad he treated you. And also because it's part bloodsucker. I know you don't like me to say it, but it's true. I'm just worried that this isn't, you know, a normal pregnancy."

"Well this is the first time I've ever been pregnant and I don't know about you, but how are either of us supposed to know what's normal?" I bristled angrily at his words. "If you dislike my 'part bloodsucker baby' so much then you can just leave." My mood went from calm to irate in a nanosecond. I was about to berate him further when his face drooped. My heart broke at the pain in his face. "I'm so sorry Jake. I know you're just looking out for me," tears filled my eyes, "I just…I mean." I started blubbering incoherently.

Jacob reached out and hugged me.

"Sorry Bells. I should know better than to insult the hormonal pregnant woman."

"And I should know better than to provoke the teenage werewolf." I snuffled into his shoulder.

Eventually we pulled apart. His warms arms dropped from my shoulders, and I felt so alone.

"Sorry Bells, but I have to go. Running patrol."

"Sure Jake. I'll see you later."

Jacob left me and ran into the nearby woods. I went inside to cook dinner. My aim was to eat as much of it as I could, finish my homework and not think about the father of my child.

My plan didn't go very well.

I had forced the food in, and Charlie had stood outside the bathroom door as I threw it all up again. He had hovered over me the rest of the night, checking every hour if I was hungry or needed anything.

While writing my English paper I had an extreme case of writer's block that I couldn't shake and realised I'd left my calculus text book in my locker at school.

The entire evening my baby wriggled and stretched. The flutterings were getting stronger and stronger by the day. Every move my baby made catapulted my mind to its father. I lay in my bed, the very place the baby had been conceived, and rolled around uncomfortably. Every position I lay in I could see the window, my Romeo's door. The shadows would play on my peaked ceiling, tempting me with familiar silhouettes. The hours trickled by slowly. It was at three am when I couldn't take it any more. I rolled out of bed, determined to move it. Even though I couldn't get rid of the bed, I could move it to place where I wouldn't have to look at the window.

I bent down and put my hands under the edge of the bed and heaved. The bed scraped across the floor. I paused, listening out for Charlie. I was rewarded with a loud snore. I heaved again, the bed was heavy. I then realised I probably shouldn't be moving furniture in my condition. I shuffled back, disappointed, when my sock caught on a floorboard. I tugged it free and then the floor board came loose.

"Damn." Turning on the light to fix the disaster I had caused, I squinted as my room was flooded in light. I sat on the floor with a floorboard in my lap while my eyes adjusted to the light. I almost laughed at myself at the ridiculous situation I was in. Maybe I had downgraded from danger magnet to ridiculous sideshow.

My hand traced the edge of the hole in the floor when my eye caught sight of something shiny. Leaning over the small hole I reached in and my hand came in contact with a small bundle of rectangular items. When I pulled them into the light my heart stopped. I couldn't breathe.

…_This will be the last time you ever see me…_

My photos of him.

…_As if I never existed…_

My plane tickets from Carlise and Esme.

…_I don't want you…_

My cd.

I held these gifts to my throbbing empty chest and cried. My head slowly fell to the cold wooden floor and I dragged my knees as close to me as I could. I lay there for several hours until the sun trickled into my room.

It was when I heard Charlie moving around that I realised I needed to move. I slowly rolled to my feet, and held onto the wall as the room moved. I stuck my head out of my door as Charlie passed.

"I'm feeling sick today Dad. I don't want to go to school."

Charlie took in my appearance, dishevelled hair, dark circles under my eyes, exhaustion and pain on my face.

"Sure kid. I'll call them. Do you need anything?"

"No thanks."

"Hope you get better soon."

I slunk back into my room. I had put my precious gifts on my night stand. Putting my hands on the edge of my bed, I shoved it back where it belonged. Then I took my cd and put it in my player, plugged in the headphones and lay down on my bed, embraced by the haunting melody of my former love.

I spent most of the day in bed, listening to my lullaby again and again, dozing and waking to that lovely tune. At two o'clock I hesitantly turned off my cd player and foraged some food. I managed to keep the cereal down and headed to the shower. I dressed slowly, my fingers caressing my stomach. _Sorry baby_. I apologised for my erratic behaviour. The winter sun was making a rare appearance, warming my cold skin. A whimsical mood caught me. I wanted my baby to know my favourite stories. I pulled my Jane Austen off the dusty shelf and sat in the sunny patch on my floor and read aloud to my child for the first time.


	12. Secrets and Sexuality

**Thank you so much for the reviews... I get giddy every time I see them (although I try really hard not to scream like a girl)...**

**Chapter 12: Secrets and Sexuality**_  
_

Gym had always been the bane of my existence, now I dreaded every second. The worst part wasn't the actual sport, although I still made a fool of myself nearly every lesson, it was the girl's locker room. My classmates paraded around in their underwear as they changed. It had never bothered me much before, just the occasional pang of jealousy as another girl with better curves would pass me by. Now I would see their bodies as thoroughly different from mine, distinctly _un_pregnant. The day after I found out I picked up my uniform and changed in the toilets. Then after class I approached Coach Clapp and requested a new shirt, claiming an unfortunate accident had killed my previous shirt. When he asked my size I lied. A lot. He raised an eyebrow but handed me the new shirt without a word.

School was frightening now. I would traverse the corridors, desperate to avoid contact with a single student. A single touch in the wrong place and suddenly my little secret that was growing day by day would become public. While I ran the gauntlet to homeroom Mike Newton appeared out of a corridor to my left. I stopped suddenly, stepping back to avoid crashing into him. My sudden change of direction forced the boy who had been behind me into the lockers.

"Whoa! Bella."

"Sorry." I apologised to everyone around me.

"Hi Bella."

"Hey Mike," I acknowledged him, but continued my duck and weave routine down the corridor, "is every student in Forks High School right here?" I complained.

"It's busy isn't it? Rush hour I guess. I'll see you in English?" He made the statement into a question.

"You always do."

Entering the classroom I dodged Tyler Crowley and banged my hip into a table. Shrinking into the nearest vacant seat I pulled out my calculus book and read ahead. While contemplating parabolas I had a distinct feeling of dread, something bad would happen today. I wasn't Al…I mean I couldn't see the future, but my gut told me to look out. I knew I had been so careful the past three weeks not to touch my stomach in public, to wear baggy shirts and sweaters but I was still dreading the day when I couldn't hide it anymore.

It was during the morning announcements that my suspicions were confirmed.

"All Seniors and Juniors report to the Gym after Homeroom."

They were going to lynch me in front of my whole grade.

I clutched my calculus book to my chest, trying to cover my front as I walked to the gym. I wasn't that big, just the size of a smallish basketball. I was astounded at the speed at which I had ballooned out these past three weeks. But Renee assured me that this was normal. The past two weeks had been hell, my breasts hurt, my back hurt and my moods had been swinging more than a pendulum. The only good thing to come out of it was that I had increased my bra size by two cups.

Last weekend, in desperation, I drove to Port Angeles and spent my last two months' wages on supplementing my wardrobe. Someone I knew once would have had a fit at what I bought, but large sweaters, baggy t-shirts and new jeans were on the list. I had deliberated over the jeans with the elastic top, if people had seen that it would have been a dead giveaway. However all my shirts covered me till mid thigh, and I knew I would need them eventually, so the embarrassing jeans were purchased. The last stop in this shopping trip had been to a lingerie store. The previous week I had noticed that I was starting to spill out of my bra, uncomfortably so. In this shop I discovered I had gone from a modest b cup to a decent d cup. I couldn't believe my eyes at first. Then I patted my stomach and muttered, "thank you, baby." I now had womanly curves coming out of my ears. It was only a pity I had no one to show them to. Also showing them would mean scaring them off with my scarily pregnant belly, so I resigned myself to wearing the clothing equivalent of a tent.

"Have you heard?" Jessica was walking in front of me, leaning into Lauren. Oh no. They knew.

"No, what do your sources tell you" Lauren replied playfully.

Oh no. Oh no.

"We get the week off."

What?

"What? How?" Lauren demanded.

"You'll see."

We slowly filed into the Gym, the excited gabble from my classmates was deafening. The simple thrill of not being in class had everyone in a frenzy. I felt so alone. I suddenly wished Jacob was here. He'd point out funny things people were doing, make smart remarks and just make me feel happy. His overheated arm would be very welcome right about now.

I chose a seat at random and sat down. Soon Angela found me and sat next to me. We smiled at each other and sat in a contented silence, surrounded by a cacophony of noise.

"Come on people, settle down." Coach Clapp tried to restore some order. "Quiet!"

Slowly the multitude of conversations dwindled and Coach had the silence he wanted.

"Right. Now I bet you're all wondering what you're doing here. Welcome to Sexual Health Awareness Week!"

The minute those words left his mouth the groans of humiliation mingled with the giggles of the embarrassed and exploded into a dull roar. I could not believe it. I sometimes wondered what I had done in a past life that was so bad. I was convinced God did not want me to live. Apart from the crippling clumsiness and the danger magnet qualities, I seemed to have the world's worst luck. Then the hysteria hit me and I started laughing. This was a terrible situation and I had tears of laughter rolling down my cheeks. Finally Angela asked, "are you alright?"

"This is going to be the most embarrassing week of my life." Angela was about to agree when Coach Clapp pulled out the megaphone.

"Quiet!"

"Woo! Sexual Health. Yeah!"

"Thank you Mr Crowley."

"This week, instead of your normal classes you will all be taking special seminars with various teachers to make you fully aware of all the dangers of becoming 'sexually active'," he emphasised this with air quotes, "how to avoid STDs, what STDs are, dangers of date rape, pregnancy and whole bunch of other stuff."

I was screwed. One of these classes was probably going to be 'how to spot a pregnant woman at fifty paces'. Oh god.

"We run these seminars once every two years. Some people think we run them too late, that Middle School is the place for this. Others tend to think that you can never have enough."

"Yeah! More Sexual Health!"

"Thank you Tyler, for your enthusiasm. Now pay attention while I call out your groups."

"At least we get out of class for a week" Ben smiled at Angela, "even if we have to suffer through those embarrassing 'how to put a condom on a banana' classes."

"Oh god. I don't think I could sit through that" Angela groaned. She then looked at me, "I hope we get to be in the same group."

"Knowing my luck, I'll be the only girl in my group and be forced to touch the banana." Ben and Angela giggled at this. They chatted while I zoned out. My hands were firmly holding onto the sides of my seat but I thought to my baby. _This is going to be a hard week, sweetheart. Your mother's going to be constantly humiliated and embarrassed at everything. She will complain and moan, cry and then probably laughed hysterically at the irony of it all. Hang in there._

Once everyone had been split into groups I was relieved to find Angela was in my group and dismayed to find Lauren, Jessica and Mike also in it. We headed to the first class of the day in the biology lab. There were about twenty people in the group, a mixture of Juniors and Seniors. I huddled under my large hoodie as I followed my group. I sat down in my usual seat and Angela settled in next to me. Instinctively I opened my mouth to protest. That was _his_ seat. Instead I closed my mouth and smiled at her appreciatively.

Mr Banner walked in. I wondered, or dreaded, what the topic for this morning's seminar would be. He wrote four letters on the board and I immediately relaxed. This was just going to be gross.

"AIDS." He announced. "This morning we're going to be discussion AIDS, HIV and then we'll moving on all the other sexually transmitted diseases and infections."

The morning dragged on. I silently took notes, occasionally smiling or wincing at Angela while side effects and symptoms were described in lurid detail. Mr Banner had just started talking about genital warts when the bell rang.

"Thank you God!" I heard Jessica exclaim loudly from behind me.

"Hallelujah!" Mike answered her from across the room. I think everyone was glad that this part of the day was over. I dithered around, packing up slowly, while everyone else hastened out of the room. Once the crowd had dissipated I slowly walked to the cafeteria behind Angela. The room was abuzz with excited chatter, everyone was comparing notes. Ben greeted Angela with a chaste kiss on the cheek. "So what did you have to sit through?"

Angela grimaced, "sexually transmitted diseases."

"Ouch. I was in the Contraceptives and Birth Control class."

Eric leant forward to join in the conversation. "Just you wait till you get to the 'All Men are Evil' seminar." We all looked so confused he elaborated, "the date rape class. I think it scared the bejesus out of all the girls." He indicated a bunch of Juniors at a table nearby. They were huddled together, looking at all the boys distrustingly, their eyes shifting from side to side, clutching their lunch trays as weapons.

"Look," Jessica interrupted, "all you had to do was listen to someone talk about avoiding bad guys. And you," she pointed at Ben, "just had to play with condoms and bananas all morning. We now have to go back and listen to Mr Banner talk to us _in detail_ about genital warts, herpes and hepatitis." Lauren and Jessica both shuddered while Ben and Eric looked suitably abashed.

The rest of the day crawled by. Finally I was home from school, holding the phone in my hand and dialling.

"Hello?"

"Hi Billy, it's Bella. Is Jake home?"

"Sure hang on."

I tapped my foot impatiently. Why was it taking so long? Irritation flooded through me.

"Bella!"

"Jake. Finally."

"Are you alright?"

I then realised how funny this was going to be. My whimsical/hysterical mood from earlier in the day returned to me. I started laughing and I couldn't stop.

"Bells? Are you okay?"

I tried to calm down, pulling in a few deep breaths.

"Jake, this is going to be the worst week I've had in a long time."

"What! Why? Did they find out?"

"This week is Sexual Health Week at School."

There was silence at the other end of the line. Then, Jacob laughed. I don't know whether it was shock or the irony of the situation but we both laughed down the phone at each other. I couldn't form a coherent sentence and neither could he. Hysteria was threatening to pull me under. Tears trickled down my cheeks, but I don't know what is was that caused them. I leant on the wall and tried to take slow calming breaths. Once I was under control I realised I was feeling shaky.

"What am I going to do?"

"Well you could quit school." Jacob offered. I blanched at the thought of that. Sure, I had already become _that_ girl, getting pregnant in my senior year, but I didn't want to add high school dropout to my list. Not yet, anyway. Sensing my lack of enthusiasm for his suggestion he offered another, "or you could just sit it out and try not to get hormonal."

"Thanks Jake."

"Look, I've gotta go. Have to run patrol. Call me tomorrow?"

"Sure. Bye."

"Bye."

I hung up the phone and slid to the floor. My hand rubbed soothing circles on my belly while I tried to forget that a cool hand had rubbed similar soothing patterns on my back. This week would be interesting, to say the least.

Tuesday started with the 'All Men are Evil' class as Eric had dubbed it. I studiously avoided looking at Mike and he at me while the teacher talked about the dangers of alcohol, drink spiking and date rape. We both knew that neither of us had forgotten the incident at Lauren's party. The afternoon taught us about condoms, diaphragms and the pill. Even when I was with _him _I had never considered the possibility that I would need to know about this. Guess it proves that you can never be too careful, even with the undead. The old banana was brought out and a 'volunteer' was dragged from the group. Mike was still blushing when the bell rang to signal the end of the day.

Wednesday morning the whole grade was split into two groups. All the girls met in the gym and we had to sit there all morning and were lectured at. The afternoon saw us back in our groups and I had to sit and listen all about the 'miracle of life'. I understood the theory behind conception, perhaps more so than my classmates, but for me it truly was a miracle.

Thursday was actually important to me. The whole day was spent on pregnancy, the different trimesters, possible problems and so on. I paid attention and tried to determine if I was normal. Jacob was convinced that whatever was inside wasn't normal, but he knew not to push me on it. I firmly believed that although my baby might be slightly different, it was still perfect.

Friday morning traumatised me. We had to watch a live birth video, unedited and unfuzzied. It was all there. The boys looked ill. The girls squealed and hid behind there hands. I started counting. I was twenty weeks, exactly halfway through. Then I started hyperventilating. Angela looked at me, "mission accomplished. I don't think I want children for many many years."

I wished I could've answered her truthfully. I hadn't wanted them at all. I had had my fill taking care of Renee and now Charlie. I had been looking forward to an eternity with Edward. Lifetimes of only being responsible for me and staying with him, young forever. Now that pathway had been ripped from me, however another tantalising offer had been dangled in its place. I could have his child. Now that he or she was growing inside me, I changed. So I just grimaced at Angela in reply.

The afternoon was a Q & A session. We had been required to write questions anonymously throughout the day and they were being answered in a group. I zoned out. My baby was moving again and the movements more getting more and more defined. I clenched my fists and held my hands to my side. I couldn't risk being seen by anyone at this school stroking my pregnant belly in the gym during the Sexual Health Week Q & A session.

About three things I was absolutely positive. I was twenty weeks pregnant with Edward's baby, I was still desperately in love with someone who would never ever want me and I was terrified what would happen when everyone found out about my baby.

**So... do you like?**


	13. Baseball and Babies

**A/N Thank you for reviewing. Never fear, Cullens will be coming soon. One Cullen will be making an appearance in about two chapters...**

**Chapter 13: Baseball and Babies**_  
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"Right, you've got your teams. Crowley's team, batter up!"

Baseball. I suppose we'd have to do this sport eventually, but it hurt. Charlie watched it all the time, but I could tune that out. Here I had to focus, to play. Everyone was too slow, the diamond was too small, the pitcher too clunky and inelegant. I was relegated to the outfield, my catching mitt too big for me.

It was a warm sunny day. Despite the weather I still wore my overly large black hoodie. It fit me like a circus tent and that was fine with me. I could hide under it. My shirt had started to strain across my belly in an alarmingly obvious way in the last three weeks. Coach had almost said something about my addition to the sports uniform two weeks ago, but I stated that I was cold, that I always felt the cold, and so he left it at that. I was now starting to sweat. I had pulled the zipper down halfway and fanned my face but it didn't help. Stupid Forks weather. Why couldn't it just stay rainy and miserable?

My baby knew that its' father loved this sport, had excelled at it. Every time the baseball bat connected with the ball with a resounding thwack, my little bundle would flutter and fidget. It was getting really uncomfortable. Every now and again, a little limb would push a part of me and it hurt. Twenty three weeks old and my baby was strong. I was irrationally proud.

"Come on Bella. It's not that bad." Mike tried to cheer me up. He and Ben were both near me in the field, essentially covering my position. Lauren was guarding second base with almost a fanatical possessiveness. She looked over at me, but luckily she was content with a simple glare and then refocused on the game.

The sun beat down on me. Black probably wasn't the best colour choice. A bead of sweat trickled from my neck, down my chest and between my breasts. I was too hot. Looking around I noticed everyone was focused on the game. I pulled the zip down all the way and flapped my jacket open and closed a couple of times to try and cool off.

The bases were loaded and Tyler was up to bat. Sauntering out with a swagger, I smiled to myself. He had nothing on Emmett…_Stop it_. It was too easy to remember, to replace the faces of the classmates with those who I had considered my family.

"Strike One!" Coach Clapp announced. Tyler narrowed his eyes. Jessica caught the ball and prepared to throw it again. I quickly held my hoodie shut as Mike turned to smile at me. I grimaced back. The ball left Jessica's hand and Tyler caught it with a powerful stroke of the bat. It flew high into the air above me.

"Get it Swan!" Coach Clapp ordered. I didn't have time to think, I just reacted on instinct. I'd just been ordered to catch the ball so I took a couple of steps back and raised my mitt.

Meanwhile both Mike, to my right, and Ben, to my left, also started to run to try and catch this ball. It all happened so fast. Both boys were looking up, to try and gauge where the ball was going to land. They both smacked into me, crushing me between them. Ben's elbow hit me in the head. Mike's chest hit me in the shoulders. Mike caught the ball and the three of us landed on the ground in a heap.

The world was spinning. It was a minute or so until I realised three things:

Firstly, I was the only one still on the ground.

Secondly, my hoodie was wide open and my shirt clung to me, exposing my round very pregnant stomach.

Thirdly, nearly the entire class, including Coach Clapp, were surrounding me.

No one said a word.

I slowly sat up and wrapped my jacket around me. Coach Clapp extended his hand and helped me up. He then grabbed me by the elbow, "I'd better take you to the nurse, make sure you're okay." He muttered.

I was dragged across the field back to the school buildings. It was once we were about twenty feet away that it started. I think the whole class spoke at once. I just looked ahead and tried to block them out.

I was ordered to grab my bag and then go to the nurse's office. We walked into the administration building and straight to the dark, poky little room with the bed covered in paper. I sat down while the nurse was pulled out of there.

I guess it had to happen sooner or later, but I had continually prayed for later. I wondered if they could expel me. I had been sitting in this room for about fifteen minutes when the nurse finally re-entered. It was obvious that she'd been briefed about the situation. She looked me over and then said, "does anything hurt? Coach said you fell down."

"My head hurts a little, but Ben Cheney has a pointy elbow."

"Anything else?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

I wasn't lying, really. Nothing else really hurt.

Then the principal walked in, followed by Coach Clapp. I felt claustrophobic. Sitting on this bench surrounded by three tall adults all leaning over me. I would've hugged my knees to my chest if I could.

"So Miss Swan, how are we? I hear you were injured in Gym."

"I'm fine." I refused to look him in the eye. I stared at his tie. He looked left and then right at his two cronies.

"Is there anything you want to tell us?"

"No."

"Your father is on his way here."

Now I had nothing to say. I know Charlie had said he would support me, but he would have to take the principal's side. He had a reputation to keep. No once would respect the Chief of Police if he didn't side with the other pillars of this community.

The silence in the room was so thick you could have gift-wrapped it and given it away at noisy parties. It was uncomfortably hot but I had already suffered because of the heat, my secret was now public knowledge, I was damned if I was going to remove my jacket. It was my only armour against these teachers.

Finally I heard Charlie walk into reception, asking where to go. He was directed to this tiny room. He walked in and took stock of the situation. The principal turned to him, but Charlie ignored him and looked to me.

"Bells, honey, are you alright?"

"I'm fine Dad. I just want to go home."

"Sure. Let's go." He held out his hand to me, but the principal interrupted.

"Hang on a second Chief. Is there something about your daughter that we, as a school, should be made aware?"

Charlie looked at me with sympathetic eyes. This was it, the moment where he had to be Chief Swan.

"No." He stated clearly. I looked up, stunned. "My daughter is an adult, fully capable of making her own decisions."

"But she is pregnant! We should have been made aware."

"And how long could you have kept that secret?" Charlie now stood in front of me, protecting me from the three glaring angry adults. "If she didn't want to tell you, then I wasn't going to force her."

"But Chief-"

Charlie bristled like a bull dog, "You know now. What difference does it make to you? It saved Bella a couple of months of teasing and snide remarks. Are you going to expel her?"

"No, of course not."

"Are you going to punish her?"

"No, but-"

"Then I'd like to take her home for the day."

"I-" the principal sighed and just gave up. "You can take her home."

"Thanks. We just want to keep this low key. No school announcements, no large assemblies. Got it?"

"Yes Chief." And with that Charlie pulled me off the table and guided me out of the building. I just looked at him with awe.

We walked past the cruiser and into the parking lot.

"Are you right to drive yourself home?"

"Yeah."

We looked at each other awkwardly for a moment.

"Dad?"

"Yes Bella."

"Thank you."

He smiled at me. "Sure kid. Do you want me to come home with you?"

"No thanks."

"Right. I'll see you in a couple of hours then." He put his hand on my shoulder, gave a squeeze and then walked back to his car. I watched him go. Every time I thought I had him figured out, he surprised me. I loved my dad.

I quickly pulled out my keys, I was eager to be out of the lot before the rest of the school streamed out into the carpark. That was something I didn't want to face today.

I drove home as quickly as I could, however once I was in the safety of my house I collapsed on the sofa and stared at nothing. It was the ringing of the phone that roused me from my reverie. My hand had unconsciously moved to my belly, supporting it. I rolled off the sofa and grabbed the phone.

"Hello?"

"Bella, omigosh how could you not tell me? What happened? Well I can guess what happened but was it Edward? Is that why he left? I can't believe you didn't tell me? I'm your best friend." Jessica's voice sprang out of the receiver like horses out of the starting gate.

"Jess, I can't do this right now. Bye." I hung up the phone and then ran my hand through my hair.

As soon as the receiver had been down for two seconds it ran again. I was tempted to leave it, but it could have been Jacob or Charlie.

"Hello?"

"Slut." The voice was feminine but husky. She was trying to disguise her voice.

"What?"

"Whore."

I just slammed the phone down and then sank down on the floor. When the phone rang again, I hung up straight away and then left the phone off the hook. I sat on the cold floor and watched the clock, waiting for Jacob to be home from school.

"Bella, I'm so sorry." Warm arms held me as I cried. The minute those three words left my lips, 'Jacob, they know', Jake had left his house mid-phase and come running over.

"I can't do this, Jake. I can't do this." I shook all over, my arms holding my stomach, Jacob's arms holding me.

"You're gonna have to."

After that neither of us said anything, we just sat on the sofa and tried not to think. It was how Charlie found us.

"Hey kid, how are you?" Charlie looked concerned. I peeked out from Jacob's arms and tried to smile reassuringly.

"Fine." Both Charlie and Jacob snorted at that.

Charlie put his gun down and then knelt in front of me. "Bells, now that this is out in the open we need to make some decisions."

Jacob shifted on the sofa. "Do you want me to leave you to talk?" I couldn't believe Jacob was being so ridiculous.

"Of course not Jake. You're my best friend and I need your advice."

"Right," Charlie huffed, "do you still want to go to school?"

I was about to answer him positively straightaway until I remembered the phone calls. Of course I wanted to finish high school but I didn't know if I was strong enough to face three hundred mocking teenagers every day. I looked up a Jacob and Charlie. They were both trying to look supportive. I knew that I had loved more deeply than I thought possible and then was left alone, broken. But I was still living, breathing and making coherent decisions, that alone was a testament to the fact that I was strong. And with those two wonderful men supporting me, I didn't see how I wouldn't succeed.

"Dad, I know that this is going to be hard but I want to finish school. It feels right. But I'm going to need you. Both of you." I turned to Jacob and squeezed his hand.

"I'm not going anywhere." Jacob smiled and squeezed back.

"Me neither, of course." Charlie promised. "Now, do you want to go to Forks hospital? Because your mother sent me a list of doctors she recommends, but they're all in Phoenix."

At this I turned to Jacob. We were both thinking the same thing. If I went to a normal hospital, would they be able to see that my baby wasn't completely human? This was a topic I had been avoiding thinking about. I needed to stall.

"Because I'm happy to drive you to the hospital myself. I can come with you, if you want. I mean if you need someone there when you're having, you know, a sonogram." Charlie was stumbling over himself, embarrassed. It hurt me, he wanted to be there for me and I needed to push him away.

"Can I have the list Mom sent? I want to look at them, so I can talk to her about it." I felt terrible but I had to do it.

"Sure kid."

As I lay in bed I tried to fill my mind with calming thoughts and happy memories. I wanted to tell my baby happy stories from my life. Unfortunately all the best stories were banned from my mind. I wasn't ready to tell those yet. Instead I talked about Jacob and what a wonderful friend he was. As the night wore on and sleep evaded me, I resorted to fairy tales. Sleeping beauty was waiting in the tower for her prince to awaken her with a pure kiss of true love. She invaded my dreams; a silly girl waiting foolishly for a kiss to wake her up. The princess should have fought, she should have roused herself. She should have known that waiting around for someone was foolish. Yet she waited, dormant, for one hundred years. I didn't have that long.

Droplets gathered on the mirror as the warm water soothed my back. As my baby grew bigger and heavier by the day my back was taking all the strain. I was tired. Again. I was sleeping as much as I could but every morning I would rise tired and drained. My nightmares still haunted me, but recently I seemed to be having a reprieve from them. I was taking an extra long shower this morning, trying to put off facing reality. A reality that was going to be painful. I, Bella Swan, eternally shy and clumsy, who hated being the centre of attention, was going to go through hell today. A hell called Forks High School.

I pottered around the kitchen, forcing an omelette down while Charlie sat at the kitchen table. I wanted to ask why he hadn't left for work yet but I had a feeling the answer had something to do with me. After washing up my plate I picked up my school bag and put on my coat.

"Bella," Charlie finally said. "You don't have to do this." He was saying I could stay home from school.

"I think I do." I replied.

"Well good luck."

"Thanks." I was going to need it.

It wasn't until I turned into the school parking lot that I had started to hyperventilate. I manoeuvred my truck into the last available spot, noting that I was last to school. I pulled the hand brake and the bell rang. Quickly I gathered my bag and books and hurried to class, keeping my head down.

English was boring and painful. I focussed so hard on what the teacher was saying, in order to avoid the whispers around me, I gave myself a headache. When the bell rang I packed my bag and walked to my next class with my head down. But I couldn't ignore it forever. All morning I was followed by a cloud of whispers. I never acknowledged any of my friend's existence, I did not answer any questions in class and tried very hard to pretend I didn't exist. When the bell rang for lunch, I made a detour to my locker. I wasn't sure if I was brave enough to face the cafeteria yet. I supposed I was lucky so far that the entire student body had only whispered and stared. It was painful but I could ignore it. _I can do this_, I thought to myself. I let myself feel confident for a few moments.

It lasted until I saw my locker. Someone had written on it in marker. A simple message to me: _Whore_. I swallowed the tears that threatened to spill over. I turned away as if I hadn't seen it and walked calmly to the cafeteria. Although I was far from hungry, my stomach churning with anger and hurt, the gentle kicks reminded me that I had to eat, whether I felt like it or not. I grabbed an apple and a sandwich and walked out of the cafeteria without a second glance.

I spent most of lunch that first day hiding in the library. While walking to biology I felt a hand on my shoulder. I tensed.

"Bella, it's just me." Angela said calmly.

"Oh. Hi Ange."

"You look lonely." She gave me a sad smile. "Can I walk to bio with you?"

"Sure." I nodded and walked together in silence.

Despite Angela's kindness, I knew she wanted to talk to me. Everyone did. But she resisted and for that I was thankful. Walking into biology I nearly crashed into Mike.

"Whoa! Look out. You okay Bella?" Mike looked concerned. Then he remembered, looked down at my stomach and he backed off. I had never considered this route as a way of making Mike back off, but I was glad it seemed to work.

"I'm fine." I said quietly and walked to my seat.

As I retrieved my book from my bag, I could hear Jessica talking to Mike and Eric.

"I still cannot believe it. But I think I already knew, you know. She was always hiding in the locker rooms when we changed for gym."

"But did you think its Cullen's?" Mike asked.

"Probably." She mused on that for a moment. It hurt that everyone thought there was a doubt to the parentage of this baby. "You know, I bet he found out and freaked. That's probably why they left. Edward was probably close to dumping her anyway and that was the final straw. I don't know what he ever saw in her anyway."

I couldn't do this. She didn't even bother to whisper as she gossiped. She knew that I could hear every word and still all this vitriol spilled out of her mouth.

But I knew this conversation was taking place all over the school. I was the town slut. I was the plain girlfriend who got pregnant and dumped by her beautiful boyfriend. I was a whore. I was the reason he left.

I was shaking, my hands clenched so tightly my fingernails drew blood. I was angry at these stupid accusations but I also believed them. It was all my fault.

It was in Gym that I finally had some good news. Coach Clapp approached me and said, because of my 'condition', I could sit out. So I spent the period on the bleachers, far away from the class and their pernicious gossip. My hand rested on my belly as my baby kicked away. I wondered if it was a boy or a girl.

"I guess Sexual Health Awareness week was too late for her." Lauren laughed. The class was over and everyone was walking back to the change rooms. Lauren and Jessica walked past me. Instead of Lauren's normal glare, I got a triumphant evil grin that rivalled the Cheshire cats'. My blood boiled but I bit my tongue. I wouldn't let her get to me.

And I didn't. For the rest of the week I put my head down and ignored the taunting. I ignored the laughs. I ignored the notes that had been shoved into my locker telling me I was a slut, a whore, a stuck up bitch, the town bicycle. I put on my brave face. Jacob would get the brunt of my pain, as I cried to him over the phone.

It wasn't until Friday that I snapped. I was exhausted because my baby had spent most of the night doing somersaults, my nightmares had returned, I hadn't kept down my breakfast and at some point during the day someone had decorated my truck with my new nickname 'whore' with nail polish. Although I couldn't prove it, I knew it was Lauren's handwriting. I discovered this when I went to retrieve I book I'd accidentally left in on the seat in my exhausted haze this morning. It was scribbled on the driver's door next to the handle and a couple of times on the side of the bed. I closed my eyes, taken a couple of deep breaths and then walked to trig trying to think happy thoughts.

Walking through the cafeteria, balancing my lunch on my tray, I had my sights set on the empty table in the corner. However to get to it I had to pass Lauren and Jessica. I set my shoulders and looked straight head.

"Hey look, here comes the cautionary whale." Lauren exclaimed. Jessica just giggled.

"How long do you think it will take for her to find another unfortunate to cling on and then drive away? I give her two weeks after it's born."

I paused, which was my first mistake. _Don't let her get to you, Bella_, I tried to warn myself.

"I've got a new name for her, Jess. Not slut or whore. Slore..."

I calmly turned, placed my sandwich and soda on their table and slammed the lunch tray in Lauren's face

**So... what do you think? Come on lurkers, I know you're reading. Let me know if you like it, if you have any suggestions/constructive criticism. I'll only learn if you tell me.**


	14. Two Birds and One Stone

**Chapter 14: Two Birds and One Stone**

"Would you like to explain to your father what you did?"

I was in the principal's office. Lauren sat next to me, an ice-pack held to her swollen nose. Charlie stood behind me. He'd been called because there had been an assault at the school that had involved me. I don't think he'd ever dreamed that I would be the perpetrator.

Lauren interrupted, sounding like she had a terrible cold.

"She just went crazy and attacked me. I'm going to sue her and sue the school..."

"That's enough Lauren." The principal cut her off, "Bella, if you will."

I sighed. I let all the hurtful things of the last week come to me and my eyes filled with the tears I needed.

"Ever since the school found out, everyone's been staring and whispering about me." I sniffed, "I was sick of her calling me a whore and a slut to my face so I did something rash. I know it was wrong. But this week has been so hard..." I sobbed.

Charlie glared at the principal. This was exactly what he said would happen last week in the nurse's office if the school found out. The principal was also remembering this.

"I never said that." Lauren objected.

"Unfortunately Lauren, some of the teachers spoke to the other students who were there and they confirm Bella's story. Although Bella was provoked, I cannot condone this type of violence in the school. Bella, one week of after school detention for your actions." Lauren smiled gleefully behind her ice-pack and then grimaced as she realised that it hurt to smile.

"And Lauren, you also get one week for your insensitive behaviour and verbal abuse to Bella."

And with that we were dismissed.

Jacob was so proud of me. Charlie, as a father and a Chief of Police, couldn't officially say anything but he ordered pizza for dinner and there wasn't a hint of punishment from him. He didn't even mention it. Jacob and Charlie sat on the sofa discussing the current baseball game while I pushed my slice of pizza round my plate in the kitchen. I was hungry, I needed something, but I knew it wasn't pizza. But I forced it down anyway, yawning my way through. I'd had a big day and not much sleep the night before. I leant forward and rested my head on the kitchen table.

Someone was shaking my shoulder.

"Bella honey, you can't sleep here." Blearily I opened my eyes and tried to work out where I was.

"Do you want me to carry her upstairs, Charlie?" Jacob was here? As the room came into focus, the queasiness hit me hard.

"Oh oh. I recognise that look." Charlie said. "You better get out of the way, Jake."

I stumbled to my feet and made it to the bathroom just in time.

After that turbulent meal, I sent myself to bed. When I woke up it was after ten in the morning. I'd slept twelve hours. I had a full day planned for this beautiful Saturday. As I dressed, my eyes squinting against the uncharacteristic sunshine, I still felt bone-weary. While struggling with my jeans, I knocked a pile of papers off my desk. Grumbling, I dropped to my knees and started to pick them up. Getting to my knees was becoming harder and harder. I'd lost sight of my feet about two weeks ago, and often Charlie would have to help me tie my shoelaces. Amongst the papers on my floor, I saw the list of doctors Renee had sent Charlie. Guilt ran through me. I had to do something about that and soon. I would ask Jacob his advice today.

While I crawled on the floor, retrieving my shoes from under my bed, my baby stirred. _Good morning, baby_. I sat on my floor and ran my hands over my stomach. I wondered if it was a boy or girl. Ouch. The baby stirred, kicking me. And then it kicked again, hard. Ouch. I bit my lip and clenched my fists. That hurt.

I stood up and wandered down the stairs, waiting for another kick, but it looked like that was all. I shrugged it off. My baby had to stretch its little limbs. I crunched down my cereal and wrote a grocery list. It wasn't until I was in the cereal aisle at the grocery store that I felt the sting of another kick. I managed to stay quiet and finish my shopping quickly without alerting anyone to what was happening. Once I was in the safety of my truck I lifted my shirt. And there they were, three large bruises purple bruises. This worried me. I drove home, put away the food and then drove down to La Push, my chore list dumped for the day.

The afternoon sun was hiding behind the usual cover of clouds. The sunshine had only lasted the morning. As I walked the length of First Beach, waiting for Jacob to return from patrol, I considered how to tell Jacob that my beautiful baby was bruising me. He was convinced it wasn't human, that it was some type of demon spawn from the deepest pits of hell. But he didn't know how I felt. This baby felt _right_. I was certain that it wasn't doing this on purpose. As Jacob jogged towards me, I smiled and waved. I decided not to tell him.

"Hey Bells, how's my nose-breaker?"

"Fighting fit," I smiled. "How was patrol? Any sign of Victoria?" Jacob looked exhausted. He'd probably been running all night.

"Nope." He said confidently. "She's probably given up." Although I seriously doubted that she would give up, I didn't say anything. After a couple of minutes we had reached out bleached tree. I took a seat slowly.

"Jake, I need help."

"What's up?" Jacob seated himself next to me, his elbows resting on his knees. He was bare-chested, and looked completely at ease. I avoided looking at all his bare skin and watched the waves tumble to the shore instead.

"Charlie wants me to choose a doctor. Get sonograms and stuff."

"Ah." Jacob scratched an arm absentmindedly.

"Look, I know you think this baby isn't human. You think that it's some evil monster." I started to explain.

"Like father like son," he paused, "or daughter." He added. I glared at him.

"My baby isn't evil... but I don't think it's entirely human either." Jacob looked at me. This was the first time I'd really admitted, out loud, that this child might not be entirely normal.

"What happened?" Jacob looked worried.

"What do you mean?"

"What made you realise that this baby isn't..." He waved his hands in some abstract gesture.

"Nothing." I should have just told him the truth straight away. Lying wasn't a strength of mine. Jacob just looked at me, waiting for the truth.

"It's not a big deal, okay?" I assured him. I lifted my shirt and Jacob's eyes widened as he saw the three large purple stains across the creamy skin of my stomach. I quickly lowered my shirt, embarrassed. Jacob sprung up from the log and paced furiously, spraying sand everywhere.

"Jake, calm down. It's okay."

"It's not okay," he spat at me. He stopped and took a couple of deep breaths.

"Better?"

He calmly lowered himself next to me. "Better." He sighed. "I hate seeing things hurt you. You always love things that hurt you." He cupped my check with a hand. I pulled back out of this intimate gesture, feeling awkward. So he draped his arm around me and gave me a hug.

We sat quietly for a few moments.

"What should I do?"

He sat deep in thought for a moment. "I think you have two options." Jacob explained. "The first: we steal a sonogram. We just tell Charlie and Renee you went to a doctor at Forks Hospital, find a dvd of some normal person's scan and pretend it's yours." I considered it. Sure, it would make Charlie and Renee happy if I could pull it off. And that was a big if, because it meant lying again. But it still meant that I couldn't find out what my baby was like. I wanted to see it myself.

"What's my other option?"

"I don't really like option two. And I'm not sure it's do-able. You sure you don't like option one."

"Jake," I sighed, "you can't tell me there are two options and then only give me one of them. Just tell me the other."

He paused, sucking in a breath as if it was unpleasant. "We find Doctor Leech. If anyone in the world would know anything about this freaky baby, he would."

Carlisle. A whole host of memories rushed at me, I brushed them aside as firmly as I could. But Jacob was right. If anyone could help me with this, it would be him. But finding Carlisle would mean also finding... Edward. I knew he didn't want me, and I was certain that if he didn't want me, there was no way he could be happy to know about this situation.

Jacob knew me so well. "We only need to find the doctor. We don't need to _communicate_ with the others."

"How, Jake? They told everyone they were going to 'Sunny L.A'. There's no way they went there. How do we track them down?"

"Well," he had obviously considered this, "we call every hospital and medical centre in this country and ask if they have a Doctor Cullen working there."

I blanched at the thought. I had no idea how many hospitals there were, probably thousands. Even though it was going to be hard, I wanted to do it.

"Let's do it."

"We're using your phone." Jacob said as he stood up, offering me his hand.

There are nearly six thousand hospitals and medical centres in this country. I nearly died when I saw the list. But then Jacob and I had started to cull. We knew that they wouldn't be in anywhere sunny, like Florida, Arizona or Nevada. Saturday afternoon turned into early evening. Luckily Charlie was out late fishing. Jacob and I compiled our list and worked on our cover story. We would start in Alaska on Sunday afternoon, after my shift at Newton's, and then every state after that in the afternoons after school. I had only one week left till Spring Break, which would be a perfect time to go.

"But Bells, even if we do find out where he is, I don't think the Rabbit is up to a cross country trip."

I paused for a second then smiled. I opened the drawer of my bedside table and pulled out my unused birthday present from Carlisle and Esme.

"Carlisle has already provided." I waved the tickets at him.

Jacob snatched them out of my hand and inspected them. "These are for Arizona."

"I'm sure we can get them changed to wherever we need to go."

"We?"

"You're coming with me aren't you, Jake? I don't think I want to go alone." Fear travelled through me. I had counted on his support.

Jacob smiled widely. "I'm so glad you want me there with you. Of course I won't make you go alone."

So it was settled.

Work on Sunday was interesting. Mrs. Newton kept looking at me, like she wanted to say something, but she never did. No doubt she'd heard about my 'outburst' at school. She only pursed her lips and ordered Mike around. Working with Mike was beyond awkward now. He had almost nothing to say to me. I guess every topic of conversation he had ever raised was done so in order to ask me out. Occasionally he would comment on school assignments but that was it.

The minute I finished work I dumped my vest, which was now straining across my belly, and walked out of the shop. Charlie was watching the game with Billy tonight and Jacob was meeting me at my house.

Sunday night Jacob and I managed to eliminate a large number of hospitals off our list. We took turns calling, pretending we were a past patient seeking medical records from Doctor Cullen. The first call I made had been frightening, but no one questioned us. It was getting easier. The hard part was that I got my hopes up with each call, hoping we'd find him.

As Jacob left for the night, I was cursing myself for getting detention this week. This severely cut into our investigating time. Every day it was the same. At school people now avoided me. After my collapse in September and subsequent descent in zombie-hood I had been ignored. Then, after my little secret had been made public, I was whispered about, scorned and teased. Now people were scared of me. I felt almost giddy. People now seemed to think I was the psycho pregnant teen who would strike out at anyone who looked at me sideways. I kind of liked it. I still had notes shoved into my locker and horrible graffiti about me scribbled in the girls' toilets. But I didn't see it. Detention was long and pointless. It was the first time in my entire high school career I'd ever had detention, and I hoped it would be the last time. But if Lauren Mallory ever said anything about my baby, I wasn't sure I had the self control to ignore her. Each afternoon, Jacob would be waiting at my house, like an eager puppy, waiting to pick up the phone and help me find Carlisle.

I was getting sick of calling my baby an 'it'. It frustrated me that English didn't have a non-gender specific personal pronoun. So I decided to alternate, Monday she was a girl, Tuesday he was a boy and so on. Jacob had been happy calling it an 'it' and would have continued to do so until I threw the phone at his head. Annoyingly, he caught it, but he stopped insulting my child.

By Wednesday I was getting depressed. I stroked my belly and sent silent messages of love to my girl while I fell into a pit of despair.

"Cheer up Bella. We'll get there." Jacob gave me a friendly one-armed hug as he left for the day. I was starting to panic. What if Carlisle had changed his name? What if he left the country? What was I going to do?

It was on Thursday that we found him. Cayugo Medical Center, Ithaca, New York.

"Hello, I was wondering if a Doctor Carlisle Cullen was working there?" I cradled the phone on my shoulder and watched Jacob toss a biro in the air.

"Can I ask as to why you're calling?"

"Sure. My name is Angela Weber, I was a patient of his at Forks Hospital in Washington. He left us rather suddenly and I need to get some private medical information off him." Jacob had made up that line. We had no idea if it was a realistic request at all, but not a single person had questioned it so far.

"Sure, honey. Let me look it up." There were some clacking sounds, like fake fingernails on a keyboard. "Oh. Of course. Doctor Cullen. Yes he's here. Moved here a couple of months ago." My heart stopped. New York.

"Hello? Angela? You still there?"

"Um, yeah. Just to check. He's tallish and blonde. Young looking." The lady on the phone sighed.

"He's blonde, gorgeous and married. Dreamy and unavailable."

"That's the one." I wrote down the contact details, hung up the phone and smiled at Jacob.

"New York?" He asked.

"New York." I confirmed.

Charlie was going to be home in twenty minutes. Quickly, I phoned the airline and explained my situation. We changed the tickets, for a moderate administration fee, and booked a flight for Sunday morning. Now all I had to do was tell Charlie.

I made Charlie his favourite dinner to butter him up.

"Dad?"

"Hmm." He was reading the paper as he ate his dinner.

"I found a doctor I want to see about the baby."

"Good. Which one is it? At Forks Hospital?" He still hadn't put down his paper.

"See, here's the thing. He's in New York."

That made him put the paper down.

"What?"

"In Ithaca, to be precise."

"Bells, honey. I know this baby is important to you, but the doctors in Forks are just as good as the doctors in New York." He was trying to reason with me.

"Well, I'm trying to kill two birds with one stone. I found out that Carlisle is in New York." Charlie's face went dark. "Now, Bella..." he started.

"Dad, I don't want to force myself back into their lives. But I think Edward should know about this." I gestured to myself. "I just want to go to the hospital, see Carlisle and do the tests and come home. That's all. And by telling Carlisle, he can decide whether or not to tell Edward."

I could see Charlie was torn. As a father, he wanted to protect me from anyone whoever hurt me, but also if he was in Edward's shoes he'd want to know if he was having a baby.

"Jacob said he would come with me." I added, knowing Charlie's love for my best friend would only help me.

"I...I don't know-" Charlie still wanted to object.

"I've booked the flights. I'm leaving on Sunday. It will be during Spring Break. I'll only be gone a couple of days. Jacob will be with me the entire time. And I promise to get you a copy of the sonogram. Please, Grandpa." I pleaded.

"Bella, not yet. I'm not ready for 'Grandpa' just yet."

"Well I'm not ready for 'Mom' either. But we've got about fifteen weeks to get used to the idea." Charlie smiled at me and agreed to let me go.

I rang Jacob after dinner to let him know that Charlie had agreed. I went to bed that night thinking that in just three days, I might be meeting with a vampire.

**Why New York? Because of giselle-lx's story "Ithaca is Gorges". It's Carlisle and Edward's story during New Moon. It's simply beautiful. Now when I know what Edward did during New Moon, I cannot see it any other way. It's in my favorites.  
**

**So... let me know what you think. The more reviews I get the faster I'll post the next chapter. (Ooo I'm so mean with the emotional blackmail.)**

**Also, boy or girl? I'm letting you guys decide. Tell me what you want.  
**


	15. Hotels and Hospitals

**A/N Sorry for the delay. Apart from life interfering with my writing, I've been a bit despondent and uninspired... trying to get back on track.**

**Chapter 15: Hotels and Hospitals**_  
_

I'd never been to New York. Our flight from Seattle was at eight in the morning, so I'd started this day very early already. I'd spent a lot of it either throwing up or sleeping on Jacob's shoulder. Jacob was excited because he'd never been on a plane before. It was around lunchtime when she started moving around again. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.

"You okay, Bells?"

"Yeah. Just uncomfortable." I answered, my hand splayed out over my belly. The looks Jacob and I received from strangers were mortifying. I had people tutting at me and simultaneously pitying me. I tried my best to ignore them.

"Is it boy or girl today?" Jacob asked.

"Girl. And she's moving around a lot. Fidgeting."

"Are you in any pain?" He was sure my evil demon spawn baby was out to hurt me.

"No." Jacob wasn't reassured. He kept watching me when he thought I wasn't looking. I knew he wanted to say something about her, but he held his tongue.

"Do you think Victoria will follow us?"

"She probably doesn't know we've left the state. Even if she did, I can take care of her." Jacob exuded confidence as he said this.

"But you can't. She's so fast and strong." I had visions of my Jacob being torn apart by a red-headed monster.

"Bella, your lack of confidence in me is a little bit insulting." I was about to object but he interrupted me, "don't worry. Everything will be fine."

We finally arrived at Ithaca around four in the afternoon. I was exhausted from all the travelling, but both Jacob and I had come here for a reason and we wanted to see it through. We caught a taxi straight to the hospital, another loan from my college fund getting us there. The automatic doors opened and the sterile hospital stench wafted over us.

"So how do we find him? He might not even be working now?" I asked Jacob. I was terrified of seeing Carlisle again. Despite the fact that I was here on a strictly professional basis, seeing my ex-boyfriend's father was a scary prospect. "Are you going to sniff him out?"

Jacob looked at me, he was not impressed. "I'm not a sniffer dog, Bella. I was just going to go up to the counter and ask."

Jacob directed me to a cushy chair. I sank into it and looked around. Most of the chairs here were the uncomfortable plastic kind. Looks like I scored one of the few coveted comfortable chairs. Jacob was waiting behind a couple of people at the counter. I was protecting the luggage; my duffle bag and Jacob's backpack. A woman was sitting opposite me, holding her toddler in her arms. She looked panicked but was trying to put a brave face on for her little boy.

"Daddadada." He had short brown hair that stood up in little tufts on his head. He was chewing on one of his hands while the other tugged his mother's shirt.

"He's with the doctor, sweetheart. We'll see him soon."

She caught me looking at her. I tried to smile reassuringly. She nearly responded until she noticed my stomach. Instead she looked sorry for me. If I could read her thoughts I was sure she was thinking something like, _she's too young_ or _silly girl_ or _she's just ruined her life_. A doctor came in the room. My heart stopped at the sight of the white coat, but then I realised he was too old, too short and too inelegant for it to be the one I wanted.

"Mrs. Evans?"

The lady looked up from her boy. "Yes?"

"Come with me." And the doctor led the woman and her toddler away.

Jacob had finally reached the front of the queue. He was leaning over the counter, his tall frame towering over the small nurse sitting in the chair. I yawned and then rested my head on my hand. I was hungry, exhausted and drained. While talking to the nurse, Jacob's head suddenly snapped up. Coming around the corner, walking with an unnatural grace, came a doctor in a white coat. It was Carlisle.

I gasped, my arms curled around my stomach protectively and the hole in my chest hurt. Carlisle hadn't seen me yet, but he saw Jacob. He froze in his tracks and Jacob lumbered over to him. Jacob stopped a couple of feet away and folded his arms. Carlisle nodded a greeting and Jacob just indicated me with his head. Golden eyes turned to me.

"Bella," he breathed.

He looked at me, waiting for a response. I had nothing. What could I say? Why did you leave me? Did I mean so little to all of you? I still love your son with every cell in my body and it kills me to see you because you remind me of him.

He ran his hand through his hair in a very Edward-like gesture. My breath was ragged and my chest hurt. He looked perplexed. I then realised that he didn't know why I was here, concealed as I was in this giant chair. He approached me, with Jacob shadowing him. I took a breath for courage and stood up awkwardly. I wobbled as I stood and Carlisle steadied me automatically.

"Bella, I-" he then looked down. "What? Bella... are you pregnant?"

I just nodded. He turned to look at Jacob who raised his hands and backed off, saying 'not mine' with this gesture.

"It's Edward's." I whispered.

"Impossible." Carlisle stated.

"Of course it's impossible. Why do you think we came all the way here?" Jacob bristled.

Carlisle looked at me, his expression unreadable. "You better come to my office."

We had walked to his office in silence, Jacob carrying our bags and I silently stroked my baby. Carlisle leant up on his desk and looked genuinely lost for words. We sat down silently. Finally he spoke. "I didn't think Edward had gone this far. He was always worried about controlling himself with you."

"Well," I blushed, "he did."

Silence fell on us. I could tell Carlisle wanted to examine me, his fingers were twitching.

"I think it's killing her." Jacob said flatly.

"What?" Carlisle and I responded together.

"Just look at her, does she look healthy to you?" Jacob was finally voicing his thoughts. "She's looked like this for months. Getting thinner and paler. I think this leech baby is draining her dry from the inside out."

I was furious. I got to my feet, grabbed whatever was closest to hand and hurled it at him. Turns out it was a paperweight.

"Jacob!" Stupid werewolf reflexes, he caught it. "Don't you dare! My baby is fine. I'm not dying, you stupid-"

"What about the bruises, Bella?" Jacob retorted. I paused in my diatribe.

"What bruises?" Carlisle asked. I sighed, my fury leaving me as quickly as it had come, I blamed it on the pregnancy hormones. This was why we were here.

Carlisle gave nothing away. Jacob stood on the opposite side of the room, complaining about the 'bloodsucker stench'. My stomach was now littered in bruises, some old and fading, others fresh and blue. Carlisle put his hands on my stomach, feeling the shape of my child.

"Is it-" I started.

"Shh." Carlisle whispered. After a moment he pulled his hands back. "The heartbeat is faster than a normal baby's. But it feels normal." He appeared deep in thought.

"I promised Charlie and Renee I'd get them a copy of the sonogram."

He gave me a smile, but there was something he wasn't telling me. I was sure of it.

"Let's take a look at your baby."

As Carlisle prepared the machine he asked me some questions about my general health.

"I throw up a lot. I'm hungry all the time, but food tastes like dirt."

"How are you sleeping?"

"I don't sleep well. But when I do sleep, I still wake up tired." I knew that my nightmares had nothing to do with the child growing inside me. Of course Carlisle asked the questions I didn't want to answer.

"Why aren't you sleeping well?"

"It's nothing." He just looked at me, his expression saying 'of course it's not nothing, Bella' "I just have nightmares." I mumbled. Carlisle said nothing to that. He twiddled some knobs as he asked his next one.

"How many weeks are you now?"

"Just over twenty five, twenty six I guess." I didn't want to look at him when he had counted backwards. Thankfully, he didn't say anything. Slowly he put the cold jelly-like substance on my bare skin.

I loved my baby. It was the only part of Edward I could have and I wanted to protect it from the world. If my child hurt me, I was sure it was only by accident. Jacob wasn't convinced. But I was thrilled to finally get a chance to take a look at the baby.

The sonogram showed nothing. Well, it showed an indistinct form.

"It's like something's blurring the picture." Carlisle mused.

"Is it a boy or a girl?" I asked.

"Is it human?" Jacob snorted. I glared at him but he ignored it.

"I can see the heartbeat and I can vaguely make out its shape, but that's it."

I was a little disappointed. I had hoped to get more answers.

"Well," Carlisle said, standing, "if Jacob's theory is correct, I can do _something_ for you today."

Ten minutes later I was dozing off on the examination table, a tube piercing the crook of my elbow. A bag of blood was slowly seeping in to me. I avoided looking at it and stared at the ceiling instead. Carlisle and Jacob had left the room to give me some privacy, but I had a feeling they had some things they wanted to discuss without me. I had objected to this 'treatment' for my exhaustion at first, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. _Baby_, I thought_, I hope this is what you need_.

"She looks better. I was right." Jacob's voice roused me. I blinked and looked around. Carlisle had pulled the tube out and replaced it with a small bandage. They were looking down at me appraisingly. I felt better. I felt stronger, satisfied. I felt...hungry.

"Well... we better go." Jacob started, picking up my duffle bag.

"I'm finished for the day, I'll drive you to your hotel." Carlisle offered.

I was quickly running out of money. I could have refused the offer, but the hotel I had booked was the cheapest I could find, on the outskirts of town and an expensive cab ride.

"Thanks. That would be great."

Jacob didn't look thrilled at riding in a car with a vampire, but I didn't care.

His car was so familiar, it hurt. I sat in the front while Jacob sprawled across the back seat. Nothing much was said.

"I'm not working tomorrow, but if you come to the hospital on Tuesday, there are a number of tests I want to try. If you want to, that is." Carlisle offered.

"Yes please." I had to know more about this baby.

He parked the car outside our hotel. "Don't tell...the others about this, please. I don't want to be a burden."

Carlisle looked like he wanted to say something, but instead he just nodded. "Your secret is safe with me, Bella."

"Until the mind reading leech pulls it out of your head." Jacob's voice was full of venom.

A flash of pain traversed Carlisle's face, "I haven't seen Edward in months."

After we had checked in, I called room service.

"How are you feeling?" Jacob asked, as he put my bag on my bed. We had a tiny room. Two single beds, a bathroom and a small television.

"Hungry. But better. I feel refreshed, like I actually have some energy." Jacob looked torn. I knew he was happy I was feeling better, but upset that it was human blood that had been my cure. While waiting for my food, I rang Charlie and assured him that I had landed safely.

"Did you have a chance to see the doctor?"

"Umm... no. I was too tired after all that travelling. We're going to go tomorrow."

"Okay. Sleep well, kiddo."

I ate my dinner with gusto, fighting with Jacob as to who got the last bread roll.

"But I'm the pregnant woman here." I whined.

"Yeah, but you'll probably just throw it up again."

"Fine." I picked it up and threw it at him. Somehow I'd gotten into this habit of throwing stuff at Jacob when I got angry. I guess I knew it wouldn't actually hurt him because he would catch it, but it was a way of channelling my anger.

After dinner, we were both seated on the floor, leaning up against Jacob's bed. Jacob's arm slid around me.

"Thanks for coming with me, Jake. I really appreciate it."

"I would do anything for you Bella." Our faces were too close together. Jacob's stare was too intense. He started to lean in. I almost started to myself when I felt her stir in my stomach. _Edward_.

"Don't." I pulled back. "I'm sorry Jacob. I can't do this. It isn't fair to you."

"Bella, I'm not going anywhere. I'll wait for you." His dark eyes stared into mine.

"I don't want you to wait. It's not right. I need you." He looked hopeful at this. "But as my best friend. Please don't complicate things. My life is complicated enough right now."

He sighed, "I'm not gonna give up. You'll just have to put up with me hanging around."

I needed some air. I struggled to my feet and went to open the window. The cool evening breeze filtered in, clearing my head. Five seconds after I had opened the window Jacob had pushed me aside from the window and had his head out of his, swinging it around wildly.

"Jacob? What's wrong?"

"Vampire." He hissed. "I can smell it."

"Victoria." I gasped.

"No. But I don't recognise the scent either."

"What do we do?" Jacob thought about it for a minute.

"We stay here. I can protect you, and I doubt a bloodsucker would try something in a crowded hotel while I'm here. If we run, we'll be exposed."

Although I agreed with Jacob's plan, I was still antsy. I opened my luggage and pulled out my toiletries bag. Standing in the shower I wondered _why me?_ I was trying to stay calm, but I was panicky and skittish. I changed into a pair of shorts and old t-shirt while Jacob paced the length of our tiny room. While I was changing, she kicked. She kicked so hard I gasped and fell to the floor.

"Bells? You okay?" Jacob knocked on the door. I bit my lip, trying to hold in my shout of pain. Because of the extra blood I had in my system, I was stronger now, but so was she.

"Bella?"

"Yes." I gasped. "I'm fine. Baby's moving, that's all." I took a minute to compose myself, then I got to my feet, cleaned my teeth and went to bed. Jacob eyed me warily from his position by the window, but I closed my eyes and rolled over.

I was restless for most of the night. Jacob occasionally moved around the room. It was four in the morning when she, I guess _he_ now, started to kick again. At first it was just a gentle moving of limbs, but then it got more insistent.

"Please, baby. Don't" I whispered. Unfortunately he wasn't listening. "Don't." I pleaded.

"Huh?" Jacob looked at me from the window. I didn't answer, instead I got out of bed. Perhaps walking around would help. I tried to pace the length of the room, while Jacob looked at me quizzically.

"Bella, what's wrong. Is it hurting you again?"

"_He_ can't help it."

"So it's a boy today?"

"Yes." I took a deep breath. He seemed to have stopped. Then there was a kick and a cracking sound. I dropped to the floor in pain, my hand clutched to my side.

"Bella!" Jacob was at my side in a flash.

"I think it was my rib." My right hand held my side, the fingers on my left hand curled into the carpet. Only a couple of tears escaped my eyes. "I can't get my breath." I was gasping. Jacob eased me into a seated position on the floor.

"You need to go to the hospital." Jacob said.

"I need Carlisle."

"I'll go get him then." Jacob stood up.

"But we don't even know where he is." I objected.

"He gave me his address in case anything should happen. Stupid leech didn't leave a phone number." He stood up and made to leave.

"Jacob, don't leave me on my own!" Even if the vampire Jacob had noticed had nothing to do with me, chances are that it would find me. My luck was just that bad. He looked torn. He couldn't leave me unprotected, nor did he want to deliver me into the hands of a coven of vampires.

"Can you stand?"

**Carlisle! Yay! I love him... and Cullens coming soon. There's still time to vote for Bella's baby: Boy or Girl?**

**Reviews? **


	16. Fractures and Families

**A/N Sorry for the delay... this one took a while to get out. So much love to all who reviewed the last chapter. I think I doubled in reviews. You make me so happy**

**Chapter 16: Fractures and Families**

The sun still wasn't up when the taxi arrived. I was trying not to breathe in too deeply, it hurt too much. Jacob gave the driver the address and settled in the back seat but his eyes never stopped moving. He kept the window open, despite the fact that it had started to drizzle, and when he wasn't watching out for our mystery vampire he was looking worriedly at me. I was trying not to think about where we were going. I had to think their names now, it would be impossible not to. Edward wouldn't be there as Carlisle said that he hadn't seen him in months. I didn't know how to feel about that. I desperately wanted to see him again, but being rejected all over again would kill me. If Carlisle was here, then Esme would be. But the others? Rosalie and Emmett? Jasper? Alice? I wanted to see Alice more than anything but everything was so different now. She had never said goodbye. Did she not love me as her friend?

We were going into a quiet part of town, knowing the Cullens they would have a beautiful house, isolated and near the woods. The driver started to slow down as the forest encroached and neighbouring houses became scarce. He stopped at the entrance to a long driveway. I passed him a couple of bills and Jacob helped me out of the car. The taxi drove away, leaving us alone in the predawn darkness.

"If you want, you can sit here. I'll run and get him. You don't have to see the others." Jacob offered.

"Don't leave me alone, Jake." He sighed. He was doing everything he could to keep the Cullens away from me.

"Do you want me to carry you?" I rolled my eyes. I wasn't quite that weak. I started to make my way down the drive. Jacob put his arm around me lightly, trying to keep me warm while the light rain fell on us.

In typical Cullen style, the driveway was really long. I had to stop halfway down to try and catch my breath. The closer we got to the house, the twitchier Jacob was. We were nearly there. I pulled my large winter coat around me. It hid my pregnant stomach at first glance, an unobservant person would miss it initially. But then vampires were exceptionally observant. This house was smaller than the one in Forks, only two storeys. The front door loomed ominously at me. It was plain and brown and unassuming. I wondered if they had seen us yet. We reached the door and paused. Jacob was holding me up with his right hand, so he raised his left hand to knock but it opened before he got a chance.

"Bella!" Esme was still perfect. Her caramel hair was elegantly pulled back into a bun and her golden eyes were wide in surprise. She looked so happy to see me.

"Where's the doctor?" Jacob growled at her. Esme took a step backwards and Carlisle appeared behind her. I pulled in a shallow breath. Carlisle glanced at me and then stepped back. "You better come inside."

"Bella, we've missed you so much. Edward-" Esme started but Carlisle silenced her with a look. I looked around the room as we walked in, wondering where the others were.

"They're out hunting." Carlisle answered my unspoken question. "So what brings you here at this hour of the morning?"

"It broke one of her ribs." Jacob snarled at Carlisle as if it were his fault. Carlisle looked worried. I started to ease off my coat and he helped me.

"Bella." Esme breathed when she saw.

"Come into my study and I'll take a look." Carlisle gently took me by the arm and led me out of the room, leaving a mystified Esme with an irate Jacob. I glared at him as we left.

"Behave." I ordered.

Carlisle's study was very similar to the one he had in Forks. All his paintings were here, the dark furniture, shelf after shelf of books and medical journals. It turns out that my rib was only fractured not broken.

"I'm sorry to barge in like this." I apologised.

"It's absolutely fine, Bella. I'm happy to see you again. It only pains me that we keep meeting each other in my professional capacity." I smiled in response. I wondered how Jacob was doing with Esme. Knowing Esme, she probably offered him a drink and sandwich.

"We'll go as soon as we can. Hopefully before the others get back." I said as I slowly pulled my shirt back on.

"No chance of that, I'm afraid." He replied with a rueful smile. The front door banged open and I heard loud footsteps in the hall.

"Carlisle?" Emmett's voice rang out worriedly. Carlisle disappeared from my sight. Leaving my chair, I followed him at a human pace, although I could hear their worried conversation from here.

"Everything disappeared." Alice said. "I couldn't see you or Esme. I was so worried."

"Why is there a dog in the living room?" asked Rosalie.

"Shut your bloodsucking face, Blondie." Jacob snarled.

"Don't you talk to her like that, Mutt." Emmett retorted. By this stage I had arrived on the scene. I peeked around the corner to the living room to find Emmett and Jacob were nose to nose. Alice was hugging Esme and Jasper was just behind Emmett. It was Jasper who saw me first. "Bella?" Six pairs of golden eyes zeroed in on me.

"Oh Bella!" Alice trilled and she ran at me.

"Alice." I had missed her so much. Just as she reached me, she saw my stomach. Her little mouth popped open in surprise. I don't think in Alice's entire life she had ever been surprised before. A collective intake of breath happened in the room as three vampires noticed what had shocked Alice.

I just fell forward into Alice's arms. "Oh Alice. I missed you so much." I started sobbing. "You never said goodbye. You left me alone and I needed you." I cried into her delicate shoulder, ruining her designer shirt.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't want to leave. I really didn't." Alice apologised again and again while I just repeated her name dejectedly.

After a few minutes I regained my composure. Then my baby decided to demand attention, his little kick brought me to my knees and I gasped in pain.

"Bella?" Alice looked concerned.

"Goddam leech baby." Jacob muttered. Emmett and Jasper looked at each other at this comment.

"You shut up about my baby Jacob Black." I gasped from the floor.

"Are you saying that it's _Edward's_ baby?" Emmett asked. I just nodded.

"And he just left you?" Rosalie asked. I don't think she'd ever spoken to me directly before.

"He didn't know." I replied, defending him. Rosalie just shook her head.

"That selfish idiot. I'm going to tear him apart for this." She fumed.

"Not if I get there first." Jacob said solemnly. Alice pulled me up off the floor and seated me in a chair. The Cullens all took a seat in the living room looking at me in expressions ranging from wonder to disbelief. Jacob stood behind me protectively.

"I'm going to call Edward." Alice announced.

"No!" I shouted. Everyone stared at me. "It's just he didn't want me...and I don't want him feeling guilty or obligated to me." I mumbled.

"Bella, you're being ridiculous." Alice said. She snapped open her phone.

"He won't pick up" said Rosalie. "We've been trying to ring him for months. Idiot." Her feelings on Edward were clear. She was looking at me with new eyes. Esme looked angry too. We were all silent. The phone rang out. Twice.

"Please don't, Alice." I begged as she tried again. After the fifth time she went and sat in the window seat, her finger poised over the redial button. Rosalie approached me. I could feel my heart pick up. I had always been intimidated by her.

"How far along are you?"

"Twenty-six weeks." Five brains counted backwards at vampire speed. I blushed and looked away. Esme came over and sat on the arm of my chair.

"I'm so disappointed in him." She shook her head. "I never believed Edward could be so callous." Esme reached out and gently stroked my hair. A solitary tear escaped my eye.

"Is it a boy or a girl?" Rosalie asked eagerly.

"We don't know. Carlisle couldn't tell."

"Why not?" Carlisle started to explain but my eyes were drawn to Alice.

"Finally!" She huffed. Edward had picked up his phone. "You need to come home. Right now. It's Bella, she's-"

"Alice! Don't." I shouted. She couldn't tell him. She rolled her eyes and hung up the phone. It rang back straight away but she ignored it. Instead she danced over to me and placed a cool hand on my stomach.

"Carlisle, Edward is about to ring your phone. Don't pick it up." Alice ordered. Sure enough, his phone rang and Carlisle ignored it. Jacob looked a little on edge. He'd never seen Alice at work before.

"Now," she started, "why did you and Esme disappear?" Her face flickered between a million emotions. "Bella, I can't see your future either." Her eyes then zeroed in on Jacob. "It's you! I can't see you or anything you're involved in." Jacob looked pleased at this. She closed her eyes and her brows knitted in concentration. "I can't see... there are blank spots. Some things are... I don't like this." She huffed.

Alice fell into a silence, contemplating the new limitation on her powers. This silence turned awkward. I wish I could say that I stood there and told the Cullens my fears, my agonies, the utter desolation I felt at their leaving. Not just Edward, but all of them. I had lost my family. But instead I sat silently, my arms curled around me. The hole in my chest hurt.

"Well, if Bella is okay, we should go." Jacob announced. Was I ready to leave? I didn't know. So I sat still and said nothing.

"Leave?" Esme questioned.

"We've got so much to talk about." Rosalie objected. Rosalie wanted to talk to me?

"No you don't. I don't want any of you leeches near her." Jacob snarled. Emmett stepped in front of his wife and growled. "Don't you speak to her like that, mutt."

"I'll speak how I like. I'm taking Bella and you will stay away from her."

I just sat silently, my hand stroking my stomach. I watched the raindrops gather on the window.

Jasper stepped in, "Who are you to speak for her? She's not your girl. Is she?" Jacob paused, my eyes flickered away from the window and met his. I broke the connection and looked away. "Not yet." I heard him mumble.

This wasn't right. He was too attached. I had to sever the ties. He was my beacon of light in the desolate darkness I had endured. It would be so easy to let him love me. Easy for me, but it was wrong. My heart was given to someone who would never want me, just as he was trying to give his to me. No, I had to do it. If I couldn't have Edward, then I had to do this alone.

But I couldn't have this conversation here with six vampires listening in. I would do it when we were alone. Back at the hotel... then I remembered.

"The other vampire." I muttered.

"What vampire?" Alice asked.

"At our hotel. Jacob could smell it. I was worried it would find me."

"Bells, you know I can protect you." Jacob tried to reassure me.

"Yes, I bet you're a good little guard dog." Rosalie sneered.

"Well," Alice clapped her hands, "it's decided. Bella will stay with us."

"No way." Jacob grabbed my hand and started to pull me out of the chair. I sucked in a breath and held a hand to my ribs. Seeing my pain, he let go.

"Jake, it's just for one night." Alice opened her mouth to interrupt but I ignored her. "This way we can both get some sleep. Then tomorrow I'll go to the hospital, Carlisle will do the tests and we'll go home." Jacob was tired and he knew I would be safe with the Cullens, even though it went against every instinct he had to leave me with them.

"Only one night?" Alice objected.

"Fine." Jacob agreed.

Carlisle stepped forward, "Emmett will you accompany Jacob back to the hotel to collect Bella's things? While you're there, see if you recognise out mystery vampire." Neither looked happy at this proposition, but thankfully Jacob saw the sense in it. He came and knelt down in front of me and held my hand.

"I'll be back soon. Don't let these leeches push you around. You don't owe them anything." With that he swiftly left the room with Emmett in tow.

Esme placed her hand delicately on my head and stroked my hair. "Are you hungry?"

I'd almost forgotten how strange it was eating with vampires. Esme had cooked me an omelette and while I ate it I had five pairs of curious golden eyes watching me.

"You look tired, Bella." Carlisle said, while Esme washed my plate.

"I didn't sleep well last night." At the mention of the word sleep I yawned.

"Come and take a nap on our bed." Esme encouraged. Before I could answer I was lifted from my chair by cold marble arms and whisked to a beautiful bedroom. She placed me gently on the bed and I let my eyes shut.

I was in a field and the sun filtered down surrounding me in a golden glow. The long grass tickled my ankles as I walked.

"Bella!" Someone called my name. I looked to my left and saw Jacob. He looked like he was in agony. I started to run to him.

"No! You did this. I hate you." He spat at me.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"Why don't you want me?" Tears streamed down his face. Suddenly he was the young Jacob. His long hair was a curtain of warm darkness.

I looked back over the field and at the edge stood a figure. It whispered to me.

"Take him. Be with him. Live for me."

"Be with me, Bella." Jacob begged. But I turned my back on him.

"You need to live without me, Jake." I walked towards the edge of the field where I had seen the figure. It led me into darkness. Cowering in the darkness was a man. His bronze hair gripped by long fingers. A swirl of mist floated behind him. It whooshed and swished and sounded like quiet voices muttering.

_Take her. You want her. Take her. Take her blood. Take her body. Make her yours._

"No." He begged.

_You're nothing._

"No."

_You're a monster._

"No." His voice broke.

The whisperings grated on my ears, like nails on a chalkboard. _Take her. Take her and I'll stop. Just give in._

I walked towards the shell of a man and I knew it was Edward. I touched his head and his eyes met mine.

"Run Bella." Jacob had appeared behind me. Edward's eyes locked onto Jacob. Jacob growled. He phased into a wolf and leapt. Edward looked at me. "Goodbye Bella." He whispered. Then he closed his eyes and let Jacob tear him apart.

"Edward!" I screamed and screamed. I couldn't breathe.

"Bella. It's okay." Cold arms wrapped themselves around me. "Shh. It's okay." I gulped and gasped and held onto the small figure that was keeping me together. I wiped away the tears that blinded me. My hands were trembling. Alice brushed hair out of my eyes while another pair of white hands passed me a glass of water. I took a sip and realised that Rosalie and Alice were perched either side of me on the bed. Carlisle stood in the doorway, concern etched on his face. Jacob was behind him peering over his shoulder. Seeing Jacob's face, I shuddered involuntarily.

"Just a dream." I said it as much to reassure myself as the others.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Alice looked into my eyes.

"No."

Carlisle left the room, leading a reluctant Jacob away. I looked to Rosalie. I wanted to ask her about the change in her personality, but I was too intimidated by her. The silence in the room was palpable. They wanted to ask me about my dream and I didn't want to talk about it.

"I guess you're wondering why I'm sitting here being nice instead of glaring about you and muttering about you under my breath." Rosalie said.

"Pretty much." I was glad of the change of topic.

"Did Edward ever tell you my story?"

After one harrowing tale, I now felt I knew Rosalie Hale. Her tale was interesting. All she ever wanted was to get married, have babies and grow old with a loving husband. And she almost got it too, except the man chosen for the role was not a man, but a monster. Royce King Junior and his friends gang-raped her the week before the wedding and then left her to die in an alley. He nearly gave her the life she wanted and then snatched it away. Her life had been cut short. When she first realised that I was getting involved with Edward, apart from her foolish vanity which she openly confessed to, she didn't want me to give up my life. To lose the opportunity to get married, have babies and grow old.

"But Rosalie, I never wanted that." I paused, I looked stupid saying this. "I never wanted to have children. I'd spent enough time caring for my mom and then Charlie, I wanted..." I wanted to spend an eternity being young, in love and carefree with your brother. My hand travelled across my stomach. _Although I never wanted it, now that I have you, baby, I won't ever let you go._

Rosalie reached out and slowly lowered her hand over mine. "I'm sorry." I don't know if she was apologising for her previous behaviour or my current predicament. Either way, I didn't care. Under our joined hands, my little boy twitched. A look of wonder crossed Rosalie's face and she moved her hand off mine and onto my stomach.

"Hello baby." She crooned lovingly. "Alice," she asked, "boy or girl?"

"You know I can't see, Rose!" Alice wailed.

"I know. I think it's a girl, what about you? Wanna bet? A fair bet for once in your life." Rosalie teased her sister. Alice bit her lip, "Fine," she huffed, "you're on." Rosalie then turned to me, "boy or girl? What do you think Bella?"

"I honestly don't know. Yesterday she was a girl. Today he's a boy. It changes day to day."

Esme knocked on the door, "would you like something to eat, Bella? It's nearly two o'clock."

I left the bed and walked downstairs. Jacob had fallen asleep in the sofa, taking up as much room as he could. His arms were thrown above him, like he was falling out of a plane. I walked into their kitchen. I was hungry but I didn't know what I wanted. Esme offered to make me a sandwich, then an omelette. Chinese takeout and pizza were offered. I didn't want to be a bother so a settled for a sandwich. Jacob, hearing the refrigerator open, rolled off the sofa and into wakefulness in an elegant leap. Esme offered to make him a sandwich but he said he didn't want it tainted by 'leech stench'. Esme politely ignored his rude comment and left him to his own devices. While munching on a sandwich that didn't satisfy me at all, I realised the only time I had felt fully satisfied was after Carlisle gave me that blood. I put my lunch down. The thought of drinking blood made me dizzy with disgust, but then I realised that it was what my baby needed. I wasn't sure how to broach the topic with Carlisle, hopefully tomorrow at the hospital would be a good time.

"You feeling okay, Bells?" Jacob sat down next to me with what had to be the biggest sandwich I'd ever seen.

"Are you trying to eat them out of house and home?"

"Well, they're not going to eat it. Didn't want all that food to go to waste, even if it has a funny taste." I sighed.

"Please, Jake. Just give them a break. We're guests." We ate in silence for a few moments. Esme was wiping down counters in the kitchen, Carlisle was in his study, Alice and Jasper we're talking quietly in a corner and Rosalie and Emmett were building a house of cards of mammoth proportions.

"Emmett," Alice called, "I think Edward is about to ring your phone. Don't answer it." Seeing Alice unsure was disconcerting.

"Why not?" Emmett asked. Sure enough his phone rang as he asked. Ignoring Alice he answered it. Emmett's sunny smile disappeared and anger crossed his face as he spoke.

"Why are you calling?" He stood and walked away from his card house. "I don't care, Edward." He looked at me, a sad smile appeared. He zipped next to me and ruffled my hair affectionately and then zipped away before either I, or Jacob could touch him. Alice was glaring at Emmett. He rolled his eyes. "Stop calling, Edward." Then he hung up. I don't think I'd ever heard Emmett speak to Edward like that. Was Edward's family ostracising him for what he had done? I couldn't let them do that. It wasn't his fault that he didn't love me.

"Emmett," I started, but then I chickened out. "Did you have any luck with that scent? Do you know who it was?"

"No, I'm sorry. I tried to track it but it disappeared. But it was a fresh trail, so he had to have been there recently." Emmett said.

"But it definitely wasn't Victoria?" I asked.

"Victoria? Why would she come here?" Emmett asked.

"Because she's been trying to kill Bella ever since you left." Jacob stated. Suddenly I had five vampires standing in front of me.

They spoke at as soon as the story was told.

Esme said "I'm so sorry."

Alice said "I knew it was a mistake to leave."

Carlisle said "I shouldn't have given in to him so easily."

Emmett said "We should have hunted the bitch down."

Rosalie said "We left poor Bella and her baby unprotected."

Jasper said nothing.

"Bella," Jacob said, "it's after five o'clock. You need to call Charlie."

"What do I say?"

Carlisle stepped forward, "you can tell him the sonogram is inconclusive but there is a sixty-five per cent chance that it's a girl. That way we're safe either way. Then tell him you're going to try again tomorrow and hopefully the baby will be in a better position for us to see him or her."

Within minutes I was on the phone and repeating Carlisle's speech for Charlie.

"So this baby is stubborn too, huh? Doesn't want its picture taken." Charlie joked.

"Something like that." I replied.

"Come home soon, Bells. I miss you." The food must have been terrible for Charlie to say something like that. We almost never said anything really affectionate to one another out loud, until recently.

"I miss you too, dad."

I hung up the phone.

"Alice, did you move my crystal vase?" Esme called out. She was looking at the buffet in the living room that had held until now a beautiful crystal vase and some other precious items. Instead, there was a collection of hand painted plates displayed prettily.

"Yes. I thought it was time those had an airing. I just had a _feeling_ it was time for a change." Alice replied. Something was up. Alice probably couldn't tell either, but Alice's hunches were better than anyone's.

"But you know I don't like them. I don't even know why I bought them in the first place."

Esme ordered pizzas for dinner and Jacob ate one by himself and half of mine. I pushed my slice around my plate.

"You need to eat, Bella. The baby needs nutrition and you need to keep your strength up." Rosalie offered me a glass of milk.

"Thanks." I muttered.

The next two hours were strange. Jacob and I sat on the sofa, while the rest of the Cullens settled themselves around us. The television was playing an old black and white movie but I spent more listening to the Cullen commentary, as they had gone to see it when it came out originally. It was strange and enchanting hearing the stories of their lives so many years ago. They tried to avoid mentioning Edward, but he was there in every look, every word not said. I was yawning, my head resting on Jacob's shoulder. It was nearly midnight.

The front door crashed open and I was surrounded by Cullens.

"Bella?" A voice whispered softly. That voice which had haunted my dreams now enveloped in a tender embrace of longing. I looked over the back of the sofa, and there in the doorway stood Edward.

**Please validate my existence and review...**


	17. Ire and IceCream

**Happy Valentine's Day my lovelies. My gift to you...**

**Chapter 17: Ire and Ice-cream**_  
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Edward was frozen to the spot. His eyes travelled over all of us and then settled on mine. Black hungry eyes bore into mine and I couldn't pull away. I saw him and wanted him more and more. But then I remembered; he didn't want me. Rejection and pain swam over me. I was flooded in worthlessness. My hands clenched into fists and I looked away.

"Bella." He said again. My name was a song on his lips. The musical cadences of his voice soothed me, I could almost pretend that he wanted me just by the way he said my name. Suddenly Esme appeared in front of Edward, her hand moved so quickly. I heard the sound, Esme's hand connecting with Edward's cheek, a loud crack. I don't think he could have stopped it. None of us ever expected Esme to do that to her first son.

It was that small slap that started the tirade. Rosalie marched forward, "You idiot!"

"Why didn't you listen to me? Leaving was stupid!" Alice berated him

"I always thought you were the best of us." Emmett shook his head in disbelief.

"I shouldn't have let you leave. I should have kept you here." Carlisle said to himself.

I couldn't bear it. I was tearing the family apart. I struggled off the sofa, Jacob was watching the Cullens fighting with a wary eye. I walked around the living room towards the huddle of vampires.

"Stop it!" I shouted. "Leave him alone." I begged. "It's not his fault he doesn't love me. It's not his fault this happened. Please stop it." Tears trickled down my cheeks. The Cullens stopped and stepped back. I was standing directly in front of Edward with only six feet separating us.

Edward could see me clearly. He could see why his family was upset. He could see why I was here. He could see what we all thought was impossible.

"What have I done?"

Jacob strode forward. "Now that you know, stay away from her." Jacob's arm wrapped itself around my shoulder in a possessive way. A look of disgust crossed Edward's face. He took a step forward. "Take your arm off her, dog."

Jacob's arm tightened around me. "She's not yours anymore. You didn't want her. You made that clear when you dumped her in the middle of the woods." My arms instinctively wrapped around chest, holding me together.

"I didn't... I want..." Edward was struggling for words. I had never seen him speechless. Jacob seemed to enjoy it. His arm left my shoulder and he stepped forward menacingly. Edward bowed his head. This was too much like my dream. My fractured rib hurt and I was finding it hard to get my breath. I was panting. The room started to spin and I was falling.

"I need to talk to her."

That voice pulled me out of my darkness. I could feel myself resurfacing.

"I don't care what you need. She doesn't owe you anything, leech." I could hear Jacob snarling.

"But I owe her an explanation." Edward said firmly.

"Why don't you both calm down and back off." Rosalie ordered. I felt a cool hand on my forehead. Slowly I opened my eyes. Carlisle's gentle face examined mine, concern and worry aged his beautiful features.

"Bella, how are you feeling? Can you breathe?"

I took a couple of breaths and then nodded. I was on the floor, a cushion from the sofa supported my head. Edward and Jacob were standing a few feet away, glaring at each other. The rest of the Cullens hung back. I slowly sat up, wincing as my fractured rib twinged.

Edward was here. My mind was singing. Everything was alright when he was near. But I could feel the distance between us, more than just the physical one.

"Jacob," I said quietly, "I need to talk to him. Please. I'll be okay." Jacob didn't look happy at my request, but he nodded his ascent. He must have thought something else, because he looked Edward in the eye and Edward nodded. Jacob stalked out of the room and the rest of the Cullens disappeared.

I sat on the floor, leaning up against the back of the sofa, watching the man I loved more than anything else run his hands through his hair.

"Bella, I..." He started. "How can I..." He was fumbling his words. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't." I ordered. I had to speak now while I still had the strength, because every second I saw him was agony. "I didn't come here for you. I didn't come here to force myself into your family's lives, I know you didn't want that." My tears had started, _stupid Bella. Be strong_, I ordered myself. "I just came to see Carlisle because I was too afraid to see a normal doctor about this. I'm leaving tomorrow. Now that you know, I don't want you to feel obligated. I-" Edward had had enough of my speech. He was kneeling in front of me, a finger on my lips. His touch sent shivers down me and I felt the strange electricity between us hum.

"Please, Bella. I need to tell you this." He exhaled loudly, "I lied."

Lied? When? About loving me? About his feelings?

"In the woods," I flinched, "I lied, but to have you believe me so quickly was agony." His hand moved to cup my cheek, "I loved you. I still love you. But I wanted you to have a normal life, away from the dangers of mine. So I gave you up. It was the only thing I could do to keep you safe." I pulled back from him and struggled to my feet, ignoring his proffered hand. I started to pace, a habit I had picked up from him.

Edward _loved_ me? I couldn't understand. So he thought he was being strong? I stopped pacing and leant up against the sideboard. Anger flooded me. That stupid, selfish vampire! My hands reached out and ensnared one of the decorative plates on the sideboard.

"You stupid, selfish, idiot!" I threw the plate at his head. At first he stood frozen. The fact that I had reacted so violently to his admission seemed to have stunned him. Then he quickly dodged the plate and it smashed into the wall behind him. I grabbed another one. "You left me because you thought I would be better off?" Smash – another plate on the wall. It was thoroughly satisfying. Edward's eyes were wide as he dodged. He'd never seen me this mad. I grabbed another plate. "Since when do you get to make all the decisions about our relationship?" Smash!

"Bella, please?" He started but I threw another plate.

"You stupid jerk! I loved you so much. I gave you everything I had, every piece of me and you threw it away like it was worth nothing." Smash. "I wasted away, Edward. You took my family away. I couldn't function without you." Smash. "Was it that easy to leave me?" I reached for another plate but I had thrown them all. I sunk to the floor, my arms holding my baby, and I cried.

He knelt down in front of me hesitantly. I took in a breath slowly, and my hands shook as they spread over my stomach.

"It was impossible to leave." His voice was rough. I couldn't look at him, so I watched my hands rest over my baby. "But I did it. The second I left you I wanted to turn back, I wanted to hold you and never let you go. I wanted so much and that was the problem: _I _wanted. I was taking your life away and putting you in danger." He sighed. I had nothing to say. "You're completely right. I was stupid. I was making decisions for us. I didn't trust you enough to let me go and I didn't trust me enough to stay with you."

Still I refused to look at him. My anger had been spent. I was trying to process what Edward was telling me. That he left because he loved me, wanted to protect me.

"Bella, please say something. Am I too late? Did I hurt you too much? Please, look at me." He was begging. I slowly raised my head.

"I don't know what to say." I exhaled slowly. "I guess using your weird overprotective, self loathing Edward logic I can see why you left. You always hated yourself, thought that all vampires are soulless monsters. And you always treated me like a fragile little human who couldn't possibly understand the deeper workings of vampires." I raised my chin and looked me in the eye. "You never treated me as an equal."

"Bella-"

"Just let me finish." I ordered. "Sure I'm not as strong as you, not as fast. I can't read your thoughts or see the future. But I am your equal, Edward. My opinion is just as important as yours. The things I want should have equal consideration with the things that you want. And you never saw it that way."

He tore his eyes from mine, shame filling his beautiful face. "You're right."

"Because you could never hear it, you never trusted me to know my own mind." I was finally saying what I had needed to say. I was being strong. All I wanted was to throw myself into his arms and curl into his chest, instead I was taking a stand and making him listen to me. I fell silent. I watched his face turn to mine, his eyes searching for something, but he was seemed hesitant to speak. Finally he broke the silence.

"Can you forgive me? After all this?"

Could I? "I think I can."

Hope filled his face, a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. His hand cupped my cheek and he leant in. "Will you take me back? What do I need to do to be yours again?"

He was dazzling me. I was desperately trying to gather my thoughts. "I...I don't-"

"Please, Bella. Don't do it." Jacob was standing behind Edward. Edward's head whipped around.

"You know he hurt you once, he'll do it again." Jacob was trying to hold my gaze, desperation was in his eyes.

"I would never-" Edward started but Jacob interrupted.

"You used her and left her. And even after you left her, you were still hurting her." Edward was on his feet and facing Jacob. Edward flinched. His face was in agony. I pulled myself to my feet.

"Jake! What are you doing?" I grabbed Jacob's arm.

"I'm just thinking of you." I could tell they weren't happy thoughts.

"Stop it!" I pulled on his arm. He blinked and broke eye contact with Edward. Jacob's hand came up and brushed the hair out of my eyes.

"Bells, I promised Charlie." He said quietly. I felt Edward come up behind me. He didn't touch me, but I could feel him there.

"What did you promise?"

"That I'd keep you safe, from getting hurt. He's gonna hurt you, Bells. He's already done it once."

"And it was the worst mistake of my existence." Edward said, agony in his voice.

"You'd be safe with me." Jacob searched my eyes for an answer.

"No she wouldn't. A volatile juvenile werewolf who has no control of his temper would not keep her safe." Edward said.

"Don't make me do this, Jake." I begged. "Don't make me choose. You know I love you. You kept me safe when I was in danger. You held me together when I was falling apart. But I was never yours, Jake. It will always be him." I put a hand on his cheek. I didn't want to lose him, but if he was forcing me to choose I could never choose him when I could have Edward. "I'm sorry."

Pain crossed his face. He backed off. "I need to get some air. This place reeks." He turned, stormed out of the house and into the night. Tears were running down my cheeks. I felt Edward's hand fall gently on my shoulder. It was too much to deal with. I pulled myself out from under his hand and knotted my hands in my hair.

"I'm a horrible person."

"Bella-" Edward started.

"And you can shut up. Just because I love you, doesn't mean I've forgiven you yet." I pulled my hands out of my hair and started walking around aimlessly. I was exhausted and on edge. I needed something. While I walked, my shoes crunched bits of crockery into the carpet. A flush of guilt ran through me. I had broken Esme's plates.

I stumbled to the kitchen with Edward ghosting my steps. Opening the freezer I prayed silently for what I wanted. My hands hit the jackpot. I pulled out the tub of ice cream, retrieved a spoon and sat down at the island. Tears poured down my cheeks and I could taste the salt as I spooned in small mountains of runny ice cream. Cullens started to fill the kitchen.

Rosalie came forward.

"Bella, that isn't the healthiest thing to be eating right now. Think of the baby."

"I don't care. I'm a horrible person. I broke my best friend's heart." Sniff. More ice cream. "I broke Esme's plates." Sniff. More ice cream. "I broke a rib." Sniff, sniff. Edward's eyes widened. He hadn't heard about that yet. "Everyone stares at me all the time. Stupid pregnant belly." Now that the dams had burst, it was all coming out. "I feel huge and uncomfortable and ugly." I spooned in some more ice cream and simultaneously started hiccupping. "And I'm wearing a tent." The spoon fell out of my hand onto the counter and my head dropped into my arms. I sobbed.

Esme's arms curled around me.

"I'm so sorry about your plates." I whispered.

"It's fine, Bella. I didn't like them anyway." She soothed me.

"I'm so tired." I yawned into her shoulder. I slowly let my eyes close as marble arms carried me upstairs.

I saw darkness. Dark shapes flickered and blurred in the dark abyss. I screamed and no one came. I was alone and it frightened me. I was haunted by shadows that I couldn't fight and it terrified me. A whisper of marble white flickered past. I ran after it, but it was too fast. Bronze hair and pale skin danced ahead. I called out but he wouldn't stop. Arms held me. Hands gripped my hair. Teeth were at my neck. Long locks the colour of flames fell into my eyes. Victoria drank me dry. I screamed.

"Shh, Bella. It's okay." Arms held me together. I was disoriented. My heart beat so fast and I was breathing raggedly. Esme held me. I was in Esme and Carlisle's bed, the quilt tangled around my legs. My breath came out in ragged sobs.

"Shhh. You're safe, sweetheart." Esme crooned and I clutched her shirt. I looked up from her shoulder and saw Edward standing awkwardly in the doorway. I didn't care what had happened or how I felt, I just needed him. I just lifted my right arm and reached for him, pleading with my eyes. In a flash he was there, nudging Esme out of the way. His arms wrapped themselves around me. I was safe in the haven of his embrace. My eyes slowly closed as my lover hummed to me.

It was cold. I shivered as I slowly surfaced from my sleep. I hadn't slept so well in months. As I yawned and opened my eyes I discovered the reason for my chill. Edward had held me all night. As my eyes focused on his beautiful face, yesterday started to filter in. Edward looked at my face, it seemed as if he hadn't moved his eyes all night. I lifted my hand to touch his face, to make sure he was really here. I said nothing as my fingers touched his cheek. I ran my fingers over his nose and over his lips. Flipping my hand, the backs of my fingers stroked down his cheeks. My brain kept saying _he's here, he's really here_. Edward's hand captured mine. Placing a gentle kiss on my palm, he then squeezed my hand reassuringly.

"You're here. You're really here." I whispered. I couldn't think of anything else.

"I'm here." He replied. It was simple, but it needed to be said. "I'm sorry, Bella, for everything. I'll do whatever you want to make it up to you."

I knew we needed to work out our problems in this relationship, but only one demand left my lips.

"Don't leave me."

"I won't." He leant forward and placed a kiss on my forehead. I closed my eyes and sighed. When I opened them again I saw Edward's eyes travelling down my body. His face changed so quickly: remorse, wonder, shame, joy, guilt. He reached out with his hand and ever so slowly lowered it to my stomach.

"I'm sorry."

"I know." I replied.

"I'm sorry that I left you. I'm sorry that you had to deal with this on your own. You must have been so scared." Every syllable he uttered was a joy to me, his mellifluous voice enveloping me with warmth and love. My baby felt it too. She wriggled at the sound of her father's voice. Edward's eyes widened and his fingers tensed. He looked at me with awe and fear. After a minute he finally found his voice again. "We need to talk about this."

How could I start? I sat up and tried to gather my thoughts. I was about to say something when Edward sighed. A knock at the door interrupted us. Edward left the bed and was at the bedroom door in an instant. Jacob was back.

"Hey Bells."

I wanted to throw myself off the bed and into his arms. I had been so worried about him. But I held back. I couldn't give him the wrong impression anymore.

"Jake, you came back." He rolled his eyes.

"You didn't think I'd leave you? _I_ wouldn't do that."

I chose to ignore the thinly veiled insult he threw at Edward. "You need to get up. I'm taking you back to the hospital and then we're going home."

"Oh." Everything was so muddled, Edward loved me, I was tired and confused. I shook my head to clear it.

"I'll be waiting for you downstairs." Then Jacob turned and left.

Slowly I pulled myself off the bed and ran a hand through my hair, wincing when my fingers hit the knots. I was about to ask Edward where my things were when another knock at the door interrupted me. Alice poked her head through the open doorway. In her hand was my duffle bag. I smiled at her, "thanks, Alice."

Alice glided into the room and gave me my stuff. "Bathroom is just down the hall, last door on the left."

Once I was under the warm water my mind focused. I was a little tired, but that was to be expected after what happened yesterday. As I lifted my hands to wash my hair, I groaned in pain.

"Bella! Are you alright?"

At the sound of Edward's voice my head snapped up. I looked around the bathroom but he wasn't in here.

"Edward," I said slowly, cautiously, "are listening to me shower?"

"Um... yes. I just wanted to make sure you're okay." He replied hesitantly. He was outside the bathroom door.

"I just forgot about my rib."

"Oh," he said. "Carlisle told me about that." He then fell silent. I decided to focus on washing myself, rather than the idea that Edward was just outside that door listening to me showering.

I washed my hair one-handed, which took twice as long as normal, and then staggered out of the shower. Normally I would dry myself quickly and never look in the mirror. The hollow eyes and swollen stomach scared me too much. But now I stopped to look. My long damp hair was tangled and rolled over my shoulders. The large purple bruise on my right side where rib had cracked stained my creamy skin. The other blemishes on my stomach were fading. I still didn't have that pregnancy glow and I was still drained looking and pale but close inspection of my eyes proved that I now looked... hopeful?

"Bella? Are you alright?" Edward's worried voice filtered through the closed door. _Sure, I'm fine. Just gawking at myself stark naked._ I felt my cheeks flush as I realised what I had been doing.

"Yeah. Just being slow."

"Do you... need help?" Edward sounded so awkward I nearly laughed.

**A/N Will you be my Valentine? Review please, pretty please. Don't make me beg...**


	18. Heartbeats and Hamburgers

**You guys are angels, all those reviews. I love you all. The best way to thank you was by putting out this chapter as soon as humanly possible (yes, unfortunately I must sleep).**

**Enjoy!**

**Chapter 18: Heartbeats and Hamburgers**_  
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The car ride to the hospital was one of most uncomfortable and awkward experiences of my life. Carlisle had left earlier this morning for his shift. I was seated in the plush, purring Volvo with Edward beside me, gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles. His face was a stoic impersonal mask, but I could tell he was in pain. I didn't know if the source of that pain was my blood, my best friend in the back seat or the thoughts in Jacob's head. Alice had wanted to come but I decided it would be easier if I went alone. So my wishes were ignored by my lover and my best friend. At least Alice respected what I had wanted.

After I had emerged from the bathroom this morning, I found Edward leaning on the doorframe, trying to look nonchalant. He claimed that he just wanted to be near in case I fell over but I felt it was more that he couldn't bear to be further away from me than a couple of feet. That thought had made me smile.

I was dressed in my giant t-shirt and embarrassing elastic topped jeans. Pulling the front of my shirt down over my stomach, I felt Edward's cool hand trail down my arm and into my hand.

"Is this okay?" He asked, indicating our twined fingers with his head. He was hesitant. But then I was too.

"Yes."

Esme wanted to cook me breakfast but I refused. I just wasn't hungry for food. I actually felt a little queasy. Rosalie had objected, telling me to think of the baby. I promised her I would eat later. I still found it a little unnerving that she now wanted me alive and healthy as opposed to dead or just out of her family's way.

Edward pulled the car into the hospital's parking lot and found a vacant spot. Once the engine was off, Jacob was out of the car and opening my door. He helped me out of the car and looped his arm through mine. I felt the waves of disapproval rolling off Edward.

"Thanks, Jake." I said while pulling my arm out of his. I couldn't be subtle about it, so I decided to walk into that hospital under my own steam, rather than be lead by either of these boys.

As I walked through the electronic doors, with Edward at my right shoulder and Jacob at my left, I realised I felt more confident. Sure, people were staring at me but I had the father of my child and my best friend protecting me from those glares. I set my shoulders back and walked confidently forward to Carlisle's office.

After several hours of testing I was exhausted.

"So what do we actually know about this baby?" Edward demanded of Carlisle.

"It has a heartbeat and it feels like a normal baby in its shape. Bella's symptoms seemed mostly normal of other pregnant women. The child's growth seems essentially the same as other babies." Carlisle listed.

"Those are only the good things." Jacob objected.

Carlisle sighed, "yes. As far as I can tell, this baby is strong. Stronger than a normal human baby. There have been incidents in the past where babies have caused internal damage to the mother, but not at such an early age."

"But that's all?" Edward asked. Jacob rolled his eyes. Carlisle had obviously not told him of my baby's other quirk.

"Well, the child is heavier than most other babies at this stage. But that's about all we know." Carlisle mused.

"The bloodsucker baby is a _blood_ sucker. The thing is draining Bella dry." Jacob said with venom. Horror crossed Edward's face. It made me angry.

"Jake, my baby is only part vampire. He's just taking more of me than a normal baby, but I'm still coping. I'm still alive. He's more human than inhuman." I ranted at him. Edward hadn't said anything. He and Carlisle were having a private conversation.

Carlisle saw me watching them. "Sorry, Bella. I was just catching Edward up on some things." He placed his clipboard down. "Speaking of your baby's...unique appetite, do you want to try the transfusion again? How are you feeling?"

I took a minute to think about it. "I am feeling a little tired." I was going to say drained but I decided against that particular word choice. "The thought of food isn't particularly appealing to me at the moment. I want to try it again. It's what he needs." My hand ran a lazy circle on my stomach.

Within minutes I was hooked up to a bag of blood. Carlisle had left the room to hunt up a sonogram and Jacob was taking a breather outside. I was lying on the examination table and Edward watched the blood slowly filter into me. He sighed.

"At least this is better than you drinking it."

"If there was no other way, I would do it. Drink it, I mean."

"I know. You always put others first." His fingers traced a delicate line down my cheek.

"I don't think I do. Not all the time." I disagreed. "Sure, there are time when I put Charlie or Renee's needs above my own. But lately I've been nothing but selfish."

Edward looked like he wanted to argue so I spoke quickly. "When you left, I fell. I fell into a hole so deep and dark. I was lost. Something in me kept me moving, eating, speaking. I guess I did it for Charlie. But when I found Jacob, I knew he liked me. I wasn't capable of feeling anything but he made me feel human again." I shifted on the bed, trying to get more comfortable. Edward knew I had more to say, so he kept silent.

"Is it strange to you? You left to keep me human but I lost all my humanity because of your desertion." Pain crossed his face, but he needed to hear this. "So selfishly I kept Jacob. I could have, I _should_ have, let him go. But I didn't. Then when I found out about the baby, I just clung onto him. I was terrified. I wanted you, I wanted Alice and Esme. But you were gone, taking the rest of my family with you. So all I had was him."

I sighed, "I should have been stronger and let him go. But I put my own needs first, rather than his. So, no, I don't always put others first." I concluded.

Edward had been silent, he'd tried to remain impassive but his face had flinched at my words.

"I'm sorry Bella. I don't think I'll ever be able to make it up to you. I really hate myself for what I've done."

"Please don't." I let my hand cup his cheek. "I think I've almost forgiven you. You know I love you. So please, let it go. You always try to shoulder more than you should." My fingers inched up and stole into Edward's hair. Those silky bronze strands were heaven to my fingers. I had missed them so much. I ran them through his hair and Edward closed his eyes, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"What did Jacob show you in the car?"

The small smile disappeared. "Just you, when they found you in the woods and when you were at his house for a party. So many memories you and you looked so... broken. It's agony seeing you in so much pain."

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologise for." His eyes were coal black, but I still melted at the sight of them. Eventually I tore my eyes away from his.

The bag of blood was empty.

Carlisle had found a sonogram I could use. He removed the needle from my arm and bandaged up the small puncture. Jacob entered the office hesitantly. He looked at me with a sad smile. Suddenly Edward growled.

"What? What's wrong?" I tugged on his arm.

"Jacob has already booked your flights home."

"Bells, you promised only one night." Jacob said.

"I know, Jake." I sat up on the table. Edward still didn't look happy.

"He booked your flight for tonight. You'll be travelling all night." I groaned. Although the blood had given me a burst of energy, the thought of travelling most of the afternoon and evening was not appealing.

Also, when I had promised Jacob that we would only stay one night it was before Edward came back, it was before Edward had come clean about what happened in the woods, it was before Edward had won me back. Only this morning I had begged him not to leave me, now I was about to leave him.

"Can we stay just one more night?"

"Bells." Jacob groaned.

"We'll leave first thing in the morning. I don't want to travel all night. I know Charlie wouldn't want me too either." I pulled the Charlie card on him. "Please, Jake." I begged.

"Ugh... fine. Let me make a phone call." Jacob stomped out of the room.

Pleased that I finally got my way, I lay back down on the examination table. Edward looked worriedly at the door. While he was distracted, I took the moment to relearn the planes of his face; His beautiful profile, the sharp jaw line, the shape of his eyebrows. My eyes wandered to his mouth, straying on his lips. Unconsciously I licked my lips. Edward's gaze locked with mine. His hand reached out and grasped mine, that hum of electricity between us seemed stronger than ever. I started to lose myself in his gaze. Edward's free hand tucked a rebelliously strand of my hair behind my ear then trailed it down my cheek. It continued to travel down my neck and over my shoulder leaving an icy trail of delight in its wake. I shivered. Edward stopped moving once he reached my stomach.

"I don't know what we've made. I only hope that it doesn't end up killing you." He murmured.

"I don't think anything that comes from you could be bad. Sure my baby might be a little stronger than others, his heart might beat a little faster. But it beats. I love him and I love you. I only hope you trust me on this."

"I trust you, Bella. It's me I don't trust."

As Edward said this I was reminded of one of my dreams. A suffering Edward surrounded by swirling mist that tortured him with horrible thoughts.

"I trust you. You are good and kind." Edward was about to interrupt but I put my hand over his mouth. "Listen to me. You made a mistake, and now you've set it right. I know you, inside and out. You are good. I know you have a soul, because a soulless monster wouldn't be able to create a baby."

"I don't-"

"And you can't argue with me. You owe me." I finished.

A small smile appeared on that beautiful face. "Whatever you say, love." He paused for a moment, "so you think it's a boy?"

While driving back to the Cullen place, I was hit with a craving. I was ravenous and desperately wanted a burger.

"Edward?"

"Mmm." Edward's eyes were focused on the road, but his mind was in the backseat, rummaging around in Jacob's head. I could tell because he had a pained expression and Jacob had a smug smile on his face.

"I'm hungry."

"We're nearly home."

"I want a burger."

"I'm sure Esme's cooking you something."

"But I want a burger."

"Bella, that doesn't sound very healthy."

"Edward, I really want a burger."

A snigger came from the backseat. "Smooth move, leech. You don't refuse a pregnant woman anything. _Especially_ when that woman is extremely hormonal and was only recently dumped by you."

Edward growled in response but swung the car around and started driving back to town. Twenty minutes later I had a greasy burger in my lap and a large soda in the car's cup holder. Jacob had two burgers and a side of fries. I took one bite of my delicious hard won meal and groaned in delight. It was perfect. I reached my hand over the backseat and waved at Jacob, grabbing at air.

"Can I have some fries?"

"You said you didn't want any!" Jacob protested.

"I changed my mind."

"But-"

"Jacob, you're not going to refuse my pregnant girlfriend the fries she wants? Because that wouldn't be a healthy move." Edward stated.

"Fine." Jacob groaned and handed over the precious carbohydrates.

By the time we got back to the house I had eaten half of Jacob's fries and handed the remainder back to him. I was munching happily on my burger as Edward helped me from the car.

"Bella! You're back." Alice trilled.

"What on earth are you eating?" Rosalie's eyes narrowed at the sight of the garish plastic wrap on my lunch.

"Something delicious."

Rosalie sighed, "Edward, she needs to eat healthy food. Why on earth did you buy her that trash?"

"Because she wanted me too." Edward's arm curled around my shoulder, his free hand held my soda, keeping it cold with his icy body temperature.

Alice was bouncing up and down as I entered the house. That was never a good sign. Emmett and Jasper were on the sofa, watching sports on the giant flatscreen television.

"Bella, I got you something." She sang. Now I know why she didn't come with me to the hospital.

"You didn't."

"I did."

I groaned. I didn't want anything. I had Edward back in my life and that was all I needed. But with Edward came Alice and I knew there was no point in fighting her.

"You didn't gift-wrap it, did you? Because tissue paper and I don't get on so well." I joked.

A wave of shame hit me. I realised that Jasper was its source.

"Bella, I never had a chance to apologise about your birthday." Jasper stood up, his face a mask of sorrow. "I'm so sorry for what I did."

"I never blamed you. It was my fault, I'm the klutz here. It probably would have been safer just to wrap me in bubble wrap and only give me cotton wool for my birthday." I smiled warmly at him.

"Well, now that's out of the way." Alice sighed and then grabbed my hand. She tugged me out of Edward's grasp and then upstairs to her room. I looked apologetically over my shoulder at Edward and consequently tripped up the stairs. Alice steadied me and eventually got me to her hideaway safe and sound.

On her bed was small mound of shopping bags, quite a conservative haul for Alice.

"Your body shape has changed so much since I saw you last, but I did the best I could."

Alice had bought me maternity clothes. No more voluminous t-shirts for me. Instead there were baby doll dresses and beautifully fitted blouses, designed for pregnant bellies. As I couldn't really hide my baby anymore, Alice had picked clothes in beautiful colors and shapes that would suit me. Hormonal Bella appeared. She cried and hugged Alice. Then she cried and hugged the clothes. Then she felt queasy and had to run to the bathroom to throw up her lunch. Eventually I gained control of myself. Alice held my hair while I retched over the toilet bowl.

Alice told me she would repack my duffle bag while I rung Charlie. I told him I was coming home tomorrow and begged a lift from the airport. Jacob was in the living room making a nuisance of himself. Emmett and Jasper were playing some shooting game on the x-box and Jacob was making distracting commentary while eating a plate of cookies that Esme had made. Edward hovered behind me, playing with my hair, while I talked with Charlie. I gave him the details of my flight and said my goodbyes. Then I called Renee. After an exhausting conversation with my mother who drilled my about my prenatal vitamins, iron levels and the importance of folate, I hung up the phone. I stretched my arms and then rubbed my lower back.

Rosalie glided down the stairs. She took one look at the pile of boys in the living room arguing over who to shoot next and rolled her eyes. Instead she turned and walked to me.

"Bella, I've got something for you."

My eyes widened in fear.

"Don't worry. I'm not Alice. You'll like this, trust me."

I put my hand in hers. Although I was beyond happy that Rosalie had accepted me, I was still hesitant. Everyone seemed eager to separate Edward and I. Edward smiled at me encouragingly as I left his side once more.

I love Rosalie Hale. The thought floated through my brain as a slowly lowered myself in the warm bath once more. The bathroom smelt like heaven, scented candles were placed in every nook and cranny and the bath was full of bubbles. Rosalie was an angel, doing this for me. I sighed as the muscles in my back slowly unwound. My boy stirred, shifting a little, and then settled down again.

A knock on the door roused me.

"Bella?" Edward sounded worried.

"Mmm?"

"Are you okay? You've been in there for an hour."

I sat up, the water swishing around my body. The bath had cooled considerably, but the bubbles and foam were still floating on top. That must have been some industrial strength bubble bath.

"Oh. I guess I better get out." I put a foot under my and my hand gripped the edge of my bath. As I started to stand my legs slid out from under me. I was all rubbery from the extended immersion. "Ow."

Edward flew through the door and was standing in front of me with his hands out, ready for anything.

"Are you okay?"

"Edward!" My hands automatically covered my chest and a blush stained my cheeks. "I'm fine. I just slipped."

Edward suddenly realised that there was nothing between him and my naked body except some foamy bathwater. He gulped. He averted his eyes and picked up a towel. He held it out for me.

About six months ago I would have been terrified at the thought of being naked in front of him. But right now I just wanted to get out of this bath and my baby not only upset my center of gravity but made it impossible to see my feet. I would happily accept his help, no matter how naked I was. Slowly I stood up, water streaming down my body. Edward was firmly looking at the wall. I reached for the towel, but Edward was already wrapping it around me. He lifted me out of the bath and set me on the floor.

"Thanks."

"Sure." He still wasn't looking at me. "Esme is making you some dinner. So come downstairs when you're ready."

"Okay."

He nodded and left the bathroom. I was almost disappointed that he didn't even try to sneak a peek at me. Maybe my pregnant stomach repulsed him. I sighed and started dressing. Then I noticed the wall Edward had been staring at had a slim mirror fixed onto it. Sneaky vampire.

I managed to keep down my dinner and Edward whisked me away soon after to his room. I hadn't been in here yet. Edward hadn't unpacked much, but there was a bed all made up for me. I pointed at it. "Alice?"

"Yes." He answered with a smile. I spotted my duffle and started to extricate my pyjamas. As a started pawing through all my new clothes Edward cleared his throat. He indicated the bed and I saw my large t-shirt and sweatpants already laid out.

As I walked to the bed I considered how I was going to broach the topic of my bathroom incident with him. I decided that actions would speak louder than words. I dropped my jeans and pulled off my shirt in a matter of seconds.

"Bella! What are you doing?" Edward was looking away from me.

"I'm getting ready for bed."

"But-"

"Edward, I'm not stupid. That bathroom wall had a mirror."

"Oh."

I swiftly packed my clothes away and left to clean my teeth.

I returned to the bedroom to find Edward still perched on the edge of the bed looking embarrassed. I stood directly in front of him and kissed him gently on his forehead.

"I forgive you."

"For acting like a peeping tom?" Edward seemed disgusted with himself.

"For being male." I sat myself on his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck. This was the closest I'd been to him since he reappeared. His lips curled into a smile.

"I love you, Bella."

"And I love you."

Edward pulled back the covers and tucked me in. "You've had an exhausting day and you've got a big day tomorrow."

I snuggled up to him, my marble statue, my hand trailing up and down his chest.

"At least you'll be with me." I sighed, blissfully happy.

"Bella, I'm not coming with you tomorrow."

**Oh no. Oh no. Edward!!! Review, please. Please. Last chapter's reviews sent me to heaven, unfortunately the rent is very high. Keep me there (yes I've gone loopy from lack of sleep writing this chapter)...  
**


	19. Love Letters and Longing

**I know that cliffhanger I had was evil, but to get less than half the reviews I normally do... ouch. Ah well, I hope this makes it all better.**

**If you love this story, please tell others. I would love some more readers.**

**Chapter 19: Love Letters and Longing**_  
_

"_Bella, I'm not coming with you tomorrow."_

I couldn't breathe.

"What?"

What had I done? Why was he leaving me again? My chest felt tight. I couldn't get a breath.

"Bella, calm down. Please." Edward begged. His hand was on my cheek, trying to pull my gaze back to him. "Breathe, Bella."

"Huh?" I was lost.

"I'm not leaving you. I just can't come with you tomorrow."

"Why?"

"A couple of reasons. Isn't Charlie is picking you up from the airport?" Edward asked. I nodded in response. "Well, I don't think he'd be too happy to see me."

That was an understatement.

"Also, I don't think I could last all that time contained inside a metal tube with that _dog_." He sneered. I opened my mouth to protest his attitude to my best friend but his palm quickly covered it.

"Finally, I need to fix some things here. I've screwed up so much. I abandoned you, leaving you to deal with this all alone." His hand dropped from my face and rested on my stomach gently. "But I also hurt my family. They all want to move back to Forks so they need me. But I swear I will follow you as soon as I can. But I need to make things right here first. I'll probably be only a day behind you."

"Okay." I whispered. I sighed as I lay back on the bed, wriggling a bit to get comfortable. Edward's arms held me gently. I traced patterns on his cool hand.

"Bella?"

"Mmm."

"How did you find out you were pregnant?"

Edward roused me just as the sun was making an appearance. I yawned, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. Once again I'd had a beautiful night's sleep. No dreams or nightmares disturbed me. I had told a little bit of my story last night. From the moment he left me until the day I found out about our baby. I wanted to be honest, so I told him about the despair and desolation I felt. I described my zombie moments where I just lost track of time, how I felt ill, couldn't sleep and the hole in my chest. But I also told him about Jacob, how he pulled me out of that darkness. My time with the werewolves seemed to disgust and terrify Edward but he kept asking question after question about them. When I got to the part in my story where I had driven all the way to Port Angeles to buy a pregnancy test, fearing discovery in Forks, I yawned. Although Edward really wanted to know more, he told me to stop. "You can tell me later, when we're together at home."

It sounded nice; home.

Rosalie fed me fruit and yoghurt for breakfast. Esme packed some snacks. Alice put my luggage in Edward's car. Carlisle gave me a final look over in his study before he left, making sure my fractured rib was healing. I hugged my family goodbye and climbed into Edward's car. A sleepy Jacob crawled into the backseat.

We drove to the airport in silence, Edward held my hand the entire time. Once we were there, Jacob sprang out of the car and started to unload our luggage. Edward turned to me in the front seat.

"Bella, I know how you feel about gifts."

"This isn't a good start." I warned.

"But I don't think this is a gift, more of a necessity." Edward reached across me and opened the glove box. He pulled out a small cell phone and handed it to me.

"Edward?"

"It's got my number already programmed in. As well as the rest of the family. Although I'm letting you out of my sight, doesn't mean I'm letting you go. I want to be able to contact you whenever I want. So this really is more a present for me than you." He rationalized. Edward really wanted me to take this. I smiled.

"Thank you. It's a great idea." I leant forward and kissed him on the cheek.

He seemed stunned for a moment.

"I can't believe you accepted it so easily. I was ready to sneak it into your bag."

"I may be stubborn, but I can see the sense in this. It's my lifeline to you for when we're apart."

Edward's hand cupped my cheek. "I love you."

"I love you too."

I leant forward to kiss him. I hadn't kissed him in months. But Jacob knocked loudly on the car window. Pulling back, I sighed. Perhaps it was for the best. Although I wanted to kiss Edward, I still needed to talk some things over with him and I couldn't afford to let my body get away with me.

"I'll see you soon?" I asked, hoping that the desperation I felt didn't come out.

"As soon as I can."

As Jacob and I waited for our plane, I played around with the phone Edward had given me, learning how to use it. I found the messaging function and played with that.

_I love you, Edward. Thank you for the gift._

I sent him a proper thank you with Jacob looking over my shoulder. I put the phone away in my pocket and turned to Jacob.

"Jake," I didn't know how to say this. "I'm so grateful that you came with me. I'm sorry I've been such a horrible friend to you."

Jacob sighed. "You haven't been a horrible friend. Just a horrible girlfriend."

"Jake-"

"I wanted you so much. I'm still convinced I'm better for you than him and I was hoping that you would see that eventually. I was willing to wait." My phone beeped in my pocket. "But something always gets in the way." He finished. I smiled awkwardly as I reached for my phone.

_I love you Bella. You're my every thought. You're the light of my existence. Keep safe, every minute away from you is agony._

Although every word was heaven to me, I quickly put the phone back. I needed to focus on Jacob right now.

"Bells, I'm not gonna lie to you. Seeing you with him hurts me. I can't stand it." He ran his hand through his cropped hair, hiding his face from me. "What's worse is seeing how happy it makes you. You light up from the inside. You were never that happy with me. I know I could make you that happy if you let me, but I don't think you will."

I reached out with my hand and held his tightly but kept silent, letting him pour out all his thoughts to me.

"I know that you love me. But you love that bloodsucker and his baby more. I promised to always be there for you, so I will be. But I don't know how to be there for you and not love you like I do."

"We'll figure it out, Jake."

I reached across to hug him, but I couldn't get as close as I wanted due to my swelling stomach.

"Something's always in the way." Jacob muttered as our flight was called.

Wednesday was a long day. There was no direct flight, so we had to change and wait for connections. Jacob didn't raise the topic of our complicated relationship again. We didn't get to Port Angeles until four o'clock in the afternoon. Charlie was dutifully waiting for us. As I stumbled off the plane he automatically steadied me and I had a moment of déjà vu. I remembered when I first came to Forks, dreading the thought of living in this cold, wet hole of a town. Everything was so different this time. Firstly, I was glad to be home. I now thought of Forks as home. I was in love with a vampire and my best friend was a werewolf. Plus I was also over six months pregnant. It had been a surreal experience, coming to live with Charlie, that's for sure.

Nothing much was said on the drive home. We dropped Jacob home and stopped by the mailbox so I could post Renee her copy of the sonogram. Charlie was a little disappointed that we couldn't tell the sex of the baby, but he was happy that I was home again. I staggered through the front door around six, Charlie was carrying my bags. I told him that while I was in New York I'd bought a couple of things.

"You went shopping?" He said disbelievingly.

"Yes."

"And no one forced you?"

"No." I rolled my eyes. I had to explain the extra clothes in my wardrobe somehow and I didn't want to tell him about Alice. "I just needed some more clothes. I'm growing out of the ones I have. And there was much more to choose from in New York than Port Angeles."

Charlie shrugged and took my bags upstairs. I started dinner.

My eyes were drooping. I sluggishly munched my way through dinner and then trudged upstairs. I washed off a day's travelling in a steamy shower and then went to bed, ignoring the duffle bag that needed unpacking in the middle of my floor. I was about to switch off my lamp when I spotted my new cell phone sticking out of the pocket of my jeans on the floor. I scooped it up. I had two missed calls and a message. All from Edward.

_Bella, are you alright? You didn't pick up. If I don't hear from you soon, I'm going to call your house._

I checked the time of the message. It was five minutes ago. I couldn't risk him calling my house just because he was jumpy. I flipped open the phone and found Edward in the address book. My finger pushed the green call button. It had only rung once when Edward answered.

"Bella? Are you alright? What happened?" His heavenly voice rang out down the phone.

"I'm fine. I made Charlie dinner and then had a shower." I reassured him.

"Oh." He paused, "how was your trip? You made it safely?"

"The trip was long and uneventful. Boring even. Baby twitched a bit while during the landing in Port Angels, but that's about it."

"I'm glad you're okay."

"You worry too much." I reached out with my free hand and switched off the light and snuggled under the covers. I nestled the phone comfortably next to my ear.

"I can't help it. I love you too much and you're so fragile."

"I'm not fragile, Edward. Just human. I think I'm strong." I heard Edward sigh.

"You're right. You're stronger than me. When I left, you kept moving, eating, speaking. You kept living. I just curled into a ball and let the misery have me." He confessed.

"I wouldn't call what I did living. I was more of a zombie, but I felt I owed it to Charlie." This conversation was depressing me. I was wallowing in sad memories and had no Edward to comfort me. Only his disembodied voice.

"Edward," I started.

"Yes."

"Tell me something funny. Or interesting. Or even boring. I don't want the last thing I think of before I go to sleep is the time we spent apart." I begged.

"Hmm… I seem to have drawn a blank."

"Well, what's the first thing that comes to mind."

"You."

I rolled my eyes. "Is that all?"

"You have changed…" His voice suddenly trailed away. A burning curiosity filled me.

"What were you going to say?"

"It's nothing." He replied curtly.

"I want you to tell me." I begged

"I really don't want to. How about I tell you about the time Alice tried to trick me into getting a perm. The eighties were a scary time." Edward tried to distract me. It almost worked, I filed away that little story to ask about later.

"No, I want to know what you were about to say." I demanded.

"I was just going to say how much you've changed, you know, physically, since I saw you last." Edward said haltingly.

"Well, my stomach has gone from being flat to the size of a basketball."

"That's not what I meant."

I swear, he almost sounded embarrassed.

"Well what did you mean? I feel like I'm pulling teeth here, Edward. Just tell me."

He sighed, I could almost hear his hand tugging at his hair. "You've grown bigger…up top."

My hair? My face? I tried to look at myself while lying in bed, but I couldn't really see past my breasts. Blood rushed to my face. Edward had been looking at my chest. Although embarrassment filled me, I also found it funny. He sounded so embarrassed at being forced to admit it.

"You were looking at my breasts." I gasped into the phone.

"Yes."

I sniggered. "Well, what do you think? Do you like them?"

Edward went silent for a moment. "Honestly?"

"Of course."

"Yes." He paused for a moment and then rushed in, "of course I loved every inch of your body before. I thought, and still think, that you are beautiful, no matter what."

"But you like the change?" I pressed him.

"Yes."

I giggled, feeling giddy. I was bloated and clunky, and I was sure I waddled as I walked but Edward hadn't seen any of that, just that my cup size had doubled.

"You're such a man."

"I know, I know." He apologised. He had successfully distracted me and now I was ready for sleep.

"I love you." I assured him.

"I don't know why you do. But I love you too, Bella."

"Night."

"Sleep well, love."

Thursday was a long day. I slept through most of the night. Although I didn't sleep as well as I had in Edward's arms, I did feel moderately well rested. By the time I got out of bed Charlie had gone to work, so I had a leisurely breakfast, taking care to chew each cheerio slowly. My baby fidgeted but it wasn't uncomfortable. Then I faced the task of unpacking my bags. Apart from the old duffle bag I had brought with me, Alice had bought a small carry on case that look very expensive to take all the new clothes she had bought me. I put on the first thing I found in that bag, a sweet pale pink baby doll dress that fitted me nicely around the top. The neckline was a bit lower than I normally wore, showing off the top swell of my new and improved cleavage. As I saw the pale flesh of my new curves I thought of Edward and his shy confession to me last night of the pleasure he felt as he saw them. Thoughts of Edward kept me buoyant as I put away all my new clothes in my burgeoning wardrobe. Unpacking seemed to take hours but in reality barely lasted one. I then switched on my dinosaur of a computer and proceeded to check my emails. I wrote to Renee to tell her about the sonogram and the stubborn nature of my baby. Then I watched the clock on my computer. I considered calling Edward but if I distracted him with my calls it would just take him longer to get to me, so instead I pulled out my homework.

Having finished an essay for English, I foraged for some lunch and then returned to the diminishing pile of homework my cruel teachers had set for Spring Break. After a few hours a knock on the front door pulled me out of the academic stupor into which I had sunk. Jacob had come to visit.

"Hey Bells."

"Jake! What's up?" I asked as I invited him inside. He lumbered in the door and sat down at the kitchen table.

"Came to give you an update on the bloodsucker situation."

"Ah."

"While we were away there was no sign of the red-head. Doesn't mean she followed us, neither does it mean she's gone." Jacob lounged in his chair, an arm tossed over the back and his long legs stretched all the way under the table.

"So it was all quiet on the western front?"

"Something like that."

We fell silent. It was nearly five and time to start making dinner. While I was pulling ingredients out of the fridge Jacob broke the silence.

"Are they really coming back?"

I didn't need to ask who he meant.

"I think so."

He sighed. "If they're here, I can't protect you all the time. Most of Forks is Cullen territory and…" He trailed away.

"And I'm not welcome in La Push." I finished for him. He looked a little ashamed.

"You're welcome, it's just…"

"Just my baby who isn't." Once again I completed his thought.

"Yeah."

"Unfortunately, where I go my baby goes. We're kinda a package deal."

"I know. The fact that we didn't get any clear answers from Doctor Fang either still unnerves us."

Obviously Jacob had made a full report to the pack.

"Did you tell them about the heartbeat?" I argued for my baby.

"Yes. And it's need for blood." He countered.

I sighed. Nothing but time would convince him that my girl was normal. We both ignored the elephant in the room from then on, chatting about nothing until Charlie came home. Jacob stayed for dinner. I pushed most of my dinner around my plate, feeling disinterested in food. Edward would be here tomorrow. As I climbed into bed I read the message he had sent me.

_I will see you tomorrow, and tomorrow cannot come fast enough. If I were there I would linger on your lips and get lost in your eyes. I would kiss your cheeks and caress your neck. I would immerse myself in your scent and body and let it warm my cold dead heart. If it could beat, it would beat for you. I love you, Edward._

I swooned as I read this. This was the modern equivalent of a love letter in a text message format. I hugged the phone to my chest as I memorised the words he had sent me and then tried to compose a fitting reply.

_Edward, if you were here I would let you kiss my lips and caress my neck. I think about you doing it and dream about you doing more. I'm almost glad you can't hear my thoughts because they're nearly all about you, what you do to me and what I want you to do to me. I love you, come home to me soon. Bella._

**A/N Better now? Edward will follow Bella, I won't be so cruel as to separate them again. I was hoping to get fifteen reviews for this chapter, making it a personal best. I know a lot more of you are reading. Please please please....**


	20. Dearly Loved and Defensive

**Thank you for the lovely reviews, I nearly didn't post today, I didn't think it was good enough. But I worked on it (sleeping is overrated anyway).**

**Chapter 20: Dearly Loved and Defensive**

Friday dawned muggy and grey. I rolled out of bed, happy to see the muted daylight. Even though my day was marred by the fact that I had to work, it was only a short shift and it would pass the time until I saw Edward. I left the house wearing a pretty red blouse Alice had bought me, it made me feel less huge and it fitted me nicely, and a pair of jeans with the generous elastic top. The bell over the shop door tinkled brightly as I entered the shop. Mrs Newton greeted my curtly as I pulled on my vest. I could hear Mike out the back as he shifted boxes.

My cell phone nestled in my pocket but remained disappointingly silent. Mike had asked me a few questions about Spring Break so far. Our relationship was really weird now. I had a hunch that he still liked me but my pregnant belly scared the living daylights out of him. Also the thought that I was 'damaged goods' came to mind, but I pushed it aside. I wasn't interested in him at all, and I was glad that his golden retriever tendencies had waned, but at least he was still speaking to me.

My plan to escape this monotony and run home was foiled by the very person I thought was still my friend. He begged his Mom to have the afternoon off, so the rest of his shift was turned to me. I couldn't really refuse considering all the money I had spent in New York.

There were no customers. It was agony. I wiped down the counter once an hour. I dusted surfaces and changed displays around. I wasn't allowed to lift the heavy stock, but I did nearly everything else in the shop. When five o'clock finally arrived I nearly shouted with joy. I bounced out of the shop and into my truck. I checked my phone but there weren't any messages so I pulled the truck into gear and drove home.

As I pulled up to my house I realised a couple of things really quickly. Firstly, to my utter joy and delight, there was a silver Volvo parked on the kerb with an Edward leaning on it. However, my joy dissipated instantly when I saw Charlie's cruiser in the drive. My father had come home from work early. As I slipped out of the truck I saw Charlie climb out of the cruiser and swagger to the center of the yard. I didn't know where to go. Charlie folded his arms, anger plastered on his face. He wasn't endearing in his anger, he was frightening.

"What the hell do you think you're doing here?" He demanded. Edward raised his hands in supplication.

"I know you must hate me-"

"You're damn right. Bella, get in the house." Charlie ordered. I was stunned for a minute, seeing images of Charlie pulling his gun on Edward, or arresting him.

"Bella." Charlie repeated.  
"Dad, it's ok. Calm down." I walked towards him, eyes wide and hands out. Charlie reached out gently, took my arm and led me to the house. He pushed me in the house and closed the door behind me. I ran to the window and leaned as close as I dared, hoping Charlie wouldn't see me.

Edward had walked closer to Charlie. They were both standing under the porch about six feet apart. The air between them was almost crackling with emotions.

"Charlie, I-" Edward started but Charlie silenced him.

"Don't you dare. Don't you dare speak to me." Charlie's voice was harsh and frightening. I had never heard him like this, it scared me. He lifted his hand and rubbed his jaw while Edward stood motionless.

"I want you gone. Out of Bella's life, do you hear me?"

"With all respect, it should be her decision." Edward replied, meeting Charlie's gaze.

Charlie snorted. "It's mine. Do you have any idea what we've been through? What I went through? All I know is that my daughter was happier than I had ever seen her. You made her shine. Then one day you took her out into the woods and left her there. She went missing for hours. Once we found her she looked empty. For months on end screamed in her sleep, night after night. Then she tells me she's pregnant."

Edward's eyes widened as he realized what Charlie was implying.

"I would never-"

"What else am I supposed to think? She swears blindly that it's all her fault, but then Bella always would." Charlie had become dangerously quiet. Edward had a hand tangled in his hair.

"I couldn't hurt Bella, sir. She's everything to me. I didn't-"

"I don't care. I don't want to hear it. You get off my land or I'll arrest you for trespassing." With that Charlie turned his back on Edward and slammed the front door in his face.

I stood frozen to the spot. Charlie thought Edward had raped me, or at least forced me to some extent. I had to fix this. Edward's eyes locked with mine. He gave me a sad wave and then walked slowly back to his car and drove off.

"Dad."

"Bella, I had to do that for your own good." Charlie was sitting at the kitchen table with his arms folded.

"But you don't understand. Edward didn't do anything wrong. He didn't hurt me like that."

Charlie lifted his hand to stop me. "Bells, I don't want to hear it."

I decided to let him cool off. We had dinner in silence. It wasn't our usual companionable affair, but rather an awkward silence where we refused to meet each other's gaze. I scrubbed the plates in the sink with gusto and then ascended the stairs to shower.

I walked to my room wrapped in my towel, having left my pyjamas in there. I was still angry with Charlie over banishing my boyfriend from the house, so I deliberately didn't call out a goodnight to him. I closed my door behind me, one arm holding my clothes and the other holding up my towel, my damp hair was dripping a cold trail down my back.

"I'm sorry." Edward said.

I jumped with fright, dropping the clothes and nearly dropping the towel. Once I got my breath back, I strengthened my hold on the towel.

"What for?"

"Everything. I can't seem to stop saying it." He looked so sad, sitting in the rocking chair. I walked to the bed and picked up my holey t-shirt. I turned my back on him and dropped the towel.

"Bella!"

I ignored him and put on my pyjamas. "You've seen me naked before." I muttered. Once dressed, I sat down on the bed and patted the space next to me. Before I could blink he was next to me.

"I'm going to try and talk to Charlie again in the morning. I'm hoping he'll cool down. I don't want you banned from my house." I lifted my hand and brushed his hair back from his face.

"A restraining order from Chief Swan couldn't keep me from you. I'm still here, aren't I?"

"Yes. You snuck into my room once my dad was asleep. I want to see you here in the daytime too, you know."

"I am a creature of the night, Bella."

I rolled my eyes. "Be serious, Edward."

He sighed. "I'm sorry. Charlie is just so angry with me and he has every right to be. I don't think one night's sleep will cool him down." Edward wrapped his arms around my shoulders and kissed me on the shoulder. I lowered my head to rest on his shoulder. Slowly as one, we lay down on the bed. After a moment of silence I slowly started to remember the last time we shared my bed. My cheeks flushed and Edward could feel it.

"What is it, Bella?"

Every time I heard his voice, I just melted inside. He was really here with me. He was really holding me and it wasn't a dream. Instead of answering him I shifted my head and kissed him on his neck. I heard him suck in a breath while I continued a path up his neck and down his jaw. Edward's hand glided up and caressed my neck. Before I could blink he had his hands cupping my cheeks and his lips hovering over mine.

"Is this okay?"

"Just kiss me, Edward."

And he did.

Gentle, icy lips touched mine. Cool fingers stroked my neck and shoulders. My fingers fisted in Edward's shirt, desperate to hold him here with me. My arms snaked up around his neck as his lowered to my waist. He suddenly stopped.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Edward was looking down. Our bodies didn't fit so neatly together anymore. His arms could just reach. I blushed red with embarrassment. Edward just smiled at me and let his hand trail over my stomach. I was curious now, he had the strangest look on his face.

"What is it? What are you thinking?"

"I'm pretending I'm human."

I gave him a quizzical look.

"I'm pretending that you and I are a normal couple." A beautiful smile crossed his face. His face tumbled into his eyes are he looked at me. "I'm ignoring the fact that vampires exist and that this child might not be completely human. Right now I'm relishing in the fiction that you and I are in love, very human and expecting our first baby together."

"But Edward, we are in love and this is our first baby." I objected. "Vampire or not it's still true."

"Yes, but in my scenario there isn't the possibility that this baby isn't human." Despite his smile, I could see the worry behind his eyes. I wanted us to heal, so I did what he wanted.

"Okay, tonight vampires don't exist. I love you, Edward Cullen. And our healthy, _human_ baby will come into this world in about three months. Let's be human tonight."

"Sounds fun." Edward smiled as he kissed me.

All day at work Mike looked like he wanted to say something to me. I supposed it was the change in my wardrobe. Under my vest I had a white baby doll dress and pale grey tights. Everything fitted beautifully and I felt pretty, despite being bloated. I had a sneaking suspicion my gait may have now acquired a certain waddle to it, but I refused to believe it. Edward had helped me dress this morning. Having my shoes put on for me was a luxury I let myself indulge in. My feet were just too far away. Once again, this dress had a lowish neckline that Edward's eyes had lingered on before helping me with the shoelaces. I had felt an absurd flush of pride.

For the last hour my baby boy, as he was today, had been bouncing around. No violent punches or kicks, just an uncomfortable jiggle that was driving me mad. During my lunch break I sat in my truck, ignoring my sandwich, and on the phone to Edward. I spent most of the time moaning about work.

"Well, you know I don't want you to work there. You don't need to. I can give you whatever you need."

"I guess I like having my independence. All I want from you is your love. I don't need anything else."

"I understand and respect that. But the thing is, I want to help our baby. It's my responsibility. So if you need money for new clothes, some specific item of food you crave or prenatal vitamins, it's my job to get those for you. Let me help you. Please, Bella?"

"You can't dazzle me over the phone. It doesn't work." I huffed.

"I'll try again later in person." He replied.

I was about to respond when a swift kick silenced me. "Ugh."

"Bella? What happened?" Edward's voice came down the phone.

"Just a kick. It's nothing." I gasped.

"Are you hurt?"

"No." I lied. "I've got to go, my break is nearly over. I'll see you later."

"I love you."

"Love you too." I whispered. Then I snapped the phone shut and lay back against the seat, my hand rubbing a soothing circle. _It's okay, baby. No need to kick._ I tried to reason with him. I took two swift bites of my lunch and then returned to work.

Four o'clock rolled by and I was out of that shop within twenty seconds. Pausing only to dump my vest and wave goodbye to Mike. I detoured via the grocery store, picking up some much needed supplies. Charlie arrived home ten minutes after I did and found me in the middle of making dinner. I decided to wait until after I'd fed him before raising the issue of Edward's banishment from my house.

After a companionable meal, I did what I had to do.

"Dad?"

"I know what this is about and I don't want to talk about it." He huffed.

I had to tread carefully here. Charlie had done so much for me, loved me unconditionally. I couldn't just throw it in his face. I walked towards him and wrapped my arms around him.

"I love you."

I could feel the confusion streaming off him.

"I just wanted to say how much I appreciate you. You have done so much for me. You took me in when living with Renee was inconvenient. You forgave me after leaving last year when I got spooked about being stuck here." I actually ran away to save his life and lead James, the sadistic vampire bent on killing me, away from Forks. "You put up with me when I found my life almost unliveable. And then you sheltered me when you found out I was pregnant. You are the best father a girl could want and the best man there is."

Charlie had turned pink.

"Bells, I was just doing what I had to. You're my little girl."

I walked in front of his and knelt down.

"Even now, you're doing everything in your power to keep me safe in your eyes and I love you for it. But in this one instance I think you need to let me make my own decision."

I could see the realization grow in his eyes.

"I don't expect you to forgive him right away for what he did, but I want you to know that I have forgiven him. That's all I wanted to say today."

Charlie was stumped for a moment. Then he stood, "he's still not welcome in this house." Then the flatscreen claimed his attention the rest of the night.

Edward found me hunched over a textbook. I had showered and changed into my holey t-shirt (which now strained across my middle) and sweatpants.

"I spoke to Charlie a bit."

"I heard. Thank you." He kissed my forehead. I fell asleep that night listening to my lullaby while cool hand stroked my freshly bruised belly.

I spent Sunday morning in bed with Edward. It was heaven. Edward told me a little of his story, the time he spent away from me. When things got too gloomy he switched to the story of Alice and the almost perm. I was carried downstairs where Edward forced me to eat some breakfast. The cheerios didn't satisfy me at all. I pushed them around the bowl with my spoon.

"You need to eat your breakfast, Bella."

"I know. I just don't feel like it." I grumbled.

Edward shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "Do you think you need more blood?"

I thought about it. Although I wasn't as drained and exhausted as I had been before, I had felt better.

"Maybe."

"I'll speak to Carlisle."

"Thanks."

Edward stayed in the kitchen while I dressed. It was while I was lying on my bed with my feet in the air attempting to put on my shoes when I suddenly felt a nausea come over me. I almost growled in frustration. Surely I was over morning sickness by now? Within seconds I was off the bed and running into the bathroom, my hand clutching at my mouth.

After the loss of my breakfast Edward hovered about me nervously. In the end I took him by the hand and led him outside. We sat under the tree, my head in his lap. He stroked my stomach while I watched his face. Our calm afternoon stretched on for hours as we relished in being in each other's company once more. My baby had calmed considerably in her movements while Edward's musical tones reached my ears. I was in heaven until Edward suddenly pulled out his buzzing phone. He answered it briefly,

"Yes. Thanks, Alice."

He looked at me. "Charlie's about to come home."

I sighed. The more time I spent in Edward's company, the more I craved. I was addicted to him.

"I'm going to try and talk to Charlie again." I informed him.

"Bella, I don't want you to argue with your father about me. Anyway, I've got a plan." Edward's crooked smile appeared, dazzling me to the core.

**So.... let me know. Just click that review button.**

**BTW it's still open if you want to choose the sex of the baby. So far, it's still gonna be a girl...  
**


	21. Mediation and Memories

**Sorry it's a day later than normal. I had severe writers' block I was working through. Thank you so much for all the reviews I've received this week. Each one is very precious to me, even if it was just a "please keep going". Made my day, honestly.**

**Chapter 21: Mediation and Memories**_  
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As the cruiser came to a standstill in the driveway, I was already stirring a pot of pasta with one hand and the other was rubbing circles on my stomach.

"It's gonna be okay, baby. I love you."

Edward has kissed me goodbye and disappeared. I knew I would see him again soon. Charlie greeted me when he came in and we sat through a companionable dinner. Our conversation was a little strained when he asked about the baby.

"I'm feeling a little better. Having talked to Edward about why he left set my heart at ease. And as a result I think the baby's doing better too."

Charlie grumbled incoherently at that and returned his focus onto his dinner plate. I was surreptitiously glancing at the front door. It was ridiculous for two reasons. Firstly, I couldn't see through the damn door, so it was pointless to even try. But I kept doing it. Secondly, watching it wouldn't make him come here any faster. Charlie finally noticed my distraction.

"You're twitchy tonight."

"I'm just in a twitchy mood, I guess." I patted my stomach. I loved being pregnant, because I could pass nearly anything off as a symptom.

I was clearing out plates off the table when we heard the knock at the door. Charlie stood up and went to answer it. I followed him. Edward stood at the door, looking solemn.

"Charlie-"

"I told you to get out of here!" Charlie threatened. He sucked in a breath to shout some more when suddenly Carlisle and Esme came up to the door. Edward had brought his parents to plead his case.

"May we come in?" Carlisle asked politely. Charlie couldn't refuse.

Carlisle and Esme shared the sofa and Charlie sat in his chair. Edward and I held onto each other as we stood in the lounge room. None of us knew where to start. Charlie looked awkward. He had held the Cullen with the highest regard until their youngest son broke my heart.

Esme broke the silence. "You must know why we're here, Charlie."

"I don't want him near my daughter." Charlie stated. Edward tightened his arm around my shoulder.

"He loves her. Being apart from her is unbearable for him. It's why we moved back." Esme's eyes pleaded with Charlie.

"My son and your daughter need each other, Charlie." Carlisle said. "I know you must be feeling very protective of Bella, considering everything that's happened. But we only want the best for her. We know Edward was miserable without her. Surely having them back together is good for her too?" He argued.

Charlie was swaying. Swans are stubborn, but we do see reason eventually.

"He may make her happy, but so does Jacob Black." Charlie countered.

Agony crossed Edward's face while I groaned.

"Dad, Jake is my best friend, but that's all. I like Jake, but I love Edward. And I need him."

"Jake wouldn't have left you like he did." He argued.

Carlisle stood up. "Leaving was my fault. Please don't punish our children for a mistake I made."

Charlie grunted and folded his arms. He was losing this argument and we all knew it. Esme then spoke, "Bella is having Edward's baby. She will need his support to go through this."

"She needed his support for the last six months and he wasn't here."

"That's not fair, Charlie," Carlisle said, "We didn't know."

Charlie had three sets of golden eyes pleading with him. I left Edward and knelt down in front of my father. "Please, Dad. Don't keep us apart. You know I love you. You know I am grateful for all you've done for me, but I need him. We need him." I let my hand rest on my stomach. Charlie wasn't happy about it, but he couldn't deny me this.

"Fine. I know I can't stop you seeing him at school anyway. He can only come over if I'm here, under strict adult supervision."

I decided to push my luck, "what about going to his house? I want to see Alice too."

"Only if one of his parents are there, and you're to be home before dark." He announced.

This was the best I could get for now. "Thanks, Dad." I hugged him. He then helped me up off the floor and saw Carlisle and Esme to the door. Edward hung back, hugging me.

"I'll see you later tonight." He whispered in my ear. Then he kissed me on the cheek and left with Carlisle and Esme.

When I woke up Monday morning, the weather was absolutely miserable and it made me delirious with joy. I could see Edward today, no sun shining to spoil that opportunity. Edward had snuck into my room last night. He had read to me while one of his hands trailed over my stomach, and occasionally other parts of me. This morning he had given me a quick kiss and promised to see me at school.

I was a little nervous about that, how the school would react. Putting it out of my mind I had breakfast, dressed and was out of the door in record time. Starting my old truck, I was comforted by its noisy roar, and I slowly trundled down the road. Pulling into the car park, I could see the Volvo at the other end of the lot and also a whole bunch of people milling around the area. Normally, once they'd park their cars they would move on. I guess they wanted to watch the real life soap opera unfold in front of them. Maybe I should have brought some more plates to throw at him, give them a real show. I shrugged and left my truck. Ignoring the ocean of whispers around me, I held my head high and walked towards the school. Edward stood under the covered walkway ahead with Alice by his side. As I approached people stopped pretending to be nonchalant and just stood and stared, wanting to see how this would go down. I stood in front of them now.

"Hi." It was all I could manage. Improvisation was never my strong point.

"Hi." Edward returned.

"Hey Bella." Alice trilled. She stepped forward and hugged me, her cool arms encircled my neck. This friendly greeting caused a shock of whispers to reverberate around us. Shyly, Edward reached out and took my hand and led me away with Alice bouncing next to me.

My first class of the day was English and Edward had seated himself in his usual chair next to me. I kept my eyes glued to the front of the class and tried to block my ears to my classmates' whispers. But it was impossible.

"I can't believe he's back."

"He's actually _sitting_ with her. Like he wants to be there."

"She took him back, after he left. I didn't know she was that desperate."

"Cullen had better not knock up any other girls."

"I wonder how many others in Alaska and L.A. his dad is paying for."

I was used to this type of chatter. Ever since the school found out about my baby, I'd been hearing it every day. But Edward had his mask on. His face betrayed nothing, but his eyes were agony. As the class started a note appeared on my book.

_I'm sorry._

I looked at him questioningly. I wondered what he was apologizing for now. Edward scanned the classroom, looking at all the students. I figured they must be remembering the last couple of months and my dramas with the school. Edward was getting my story from them in stereo. I reached out and squeezed his hand in support.

The rest of the day did not improve. At lunch the whispers were still going. I spotted Edward and Alice sitting at their usual spot. I had just come out of a particularly difficult calculus class. Difficult because Jessica had tried to grill me for information I just didn't want to give. She had asked her questions until the teacher had started the class. Then she had written note after note, shoving them under my nose. Once the bell rang I had run out of there and into the girls' bathroom to hide from her. People generally got out of my way when they saw the pregnant woman running for the bathroom.

I pulled some food onto my tray and walked towards them. Edward sat at the table with his head in his hands. If I didn't know better, I'd swear he had a headache. Lauren and Jessica were sitting at their table, recounting every second they had seen today of Edward and I. As I passed Lauren our eyes met. I raised a brow warningly and her voice trailed away. Her face was still bruised and I think she just might have been afraid of me. She turned her head and stared intently at her lunch. While I sat down at my table, Edward was staring at me in wonder.

"What? What is it? Tell me." Alice demanded.

"Bella astounds me, that's all." He replied. Alice rolled her eyes at that. She was about to continue, when I interrupted.

"How are you holding up?" I let my hand rest on his shoulder.

"No wonder both Charlie and Jacob hate me. After what you have had to suffer through, at the hands of all these horrible children." Self loathing tainted Edward's voice.

"And you didn't even see those drawings in the girls' bathroom." Alice added.

Edward's eyes widened as he received Alice's mental picture. Then he groaned and returned his head to his hands.

"Tell me, Bella, why is Lauren terrified of you?" Alice asked.

"Because I broke her nose." Alice was speechless at that. A sliver of irrational pride flooded me.

"It was a week after the whole school found out about... well you know. Lauren and Jessica had spent the week calling me whore or slut or any other mean thing they could think of."

"I'm sorry." Edward interjected.

"And I was sick of it. So finally I picked up my lunch tray and smashed it across her face. It's not my fault her nose broke."

"Bella, that's great." Alice clapped.

"I got a week's worth of detention for that. But it was worth it. If she tries anything again, I'm more than happy to risk getting another week."

"Edward's right. That's astounding. I never knew you had it in you." Alice beamed with pride.

"I'm blaming it on the pregnancy hormones."

Eventually I managed to coax Edward out from his hands and to say something other than an apology. As we walked to biology I stopped by my locker. I ignored the paper stuck to the front and pulled out my biology text book. Edward, however, opened the note and a white fury crossed his face.

"What is it this time? Am I a whore or is it something more original than that?" I asked.

Edward shook his head, scrunched the paper into a ball and flung it at the trash can fifteen feet away down the corridor. Some of the boys ducked out of instinct, and looked at Edward, amazed at his aim and accuracy. Edward was forgetting to act human in his anger.

"I don't want you subjected to this kind of abuse." He stated. I took his hand gently, trying to coax it out of the painful fist he'd curled it into.

"It's too late for that."

"Well it's going to stop now." He stated.

"Edward, you can't kill people just because they say mean things." I said. He shook his head and looked away. But I swear he said something like, 'try and stop me'.

In biology, Edward sat at our table and glared at anyone who even looked at me. As I sat down my bag dropped off the table and everything in it fell out and rolled over the floor. I ignored the nervous titters from my classmates and bent down. Edward was at my side instantly and helped me pick everything up. A pen had rolled across the floor and under Mike Newton's chair. Mike bent down and picked it up. I walked to him to retrieve it.

"Here's your pen."

"Thanks Mike."

He leant towards me and whispered. "So are you guys back together?"

"Yes."

"Wow. That was fast."

I shrugged in response. I took my pen back. Mike was looking at me. I was feeling uncomfortable and I bit my lip. My nervous response had dragged Mike's eyes to my mouth. He stared at my lips for a moment and then turned away. It was a little strange.

As I returned to my table I saw Edward with a strange look on his face. It was a cross between murderous rage and soul-crushing despair.

"Edward, what's wrong?"

"You kissed Mike Newton?"

Oh shoot.

I couldn't explain that mistake until I was in gym, they were still playing basketball which was too impossible for me. So I got out of the class. Edward skipped his Spanish class and we were seated awkwardly on the bleachers. I told him about Lauren's party, the small amount of alcohol I had consumed and the way Mike had just kissed me.

"So he forced himself on you?"

"No, he just-"

"I'm going to kill him."

"Edward, calm down." I pleaded with him. Edward's hands were wrapped around the metal bench either side of him, then suddenly his hands curled into fists, taking the metal with him. The sound of him crushing through the seat brought him to his senses. "Oops." After a pause, he breathed calmly and then looked at me.

"Is there anything else I should know, Bella?"

I had a feeling he was now asking about Jacob.

"I never kissed anyone else apart from you. I don't count what Mike did as a kiss. I wasn't really there. I was sick and tired and not really in my right mind."

"So he did take advantage of you. He spiked your drink and then forced himself on you."

"Edward, you need to stop thinking like this. You're starting to sound like Charlie."

He sighed. "I'm sorry."

"When you're not looking, I'm going to write those words on you in a permanent marker." I joked.

"If I could, I get them tattooed on me if it made you happy."

"On your forehead?"

He bit his lip in hesitation. "If it made you happy." He answered resolutely.

"Perhaps you should get 'I'm an idiot' there instead. Put the 'I'm sorry' on the back of your neck."

"Bella, are you mocking me?" Edward asked.

"Not in the least." I said with a completely straight face. I then giggled and gave him a kiss.

We were happy when we were alone. He walked me to my truck as the bell rang, signalling the end of the day. He leant forward to open the door for me when he paused suddenly. He squinted at my truck and then looked it over in detail. He swore under his breath.

"What?"

"I can't believe they did this." He pointed out Lauren's handiwork. I shrugged. It was old news.

"I'm going to fix this." He promised.

Edward followed me home, blatantly ignoring Charlie's rules. He spent a couple of minutes fixing my truck, removing the crude insults and then Alice dragged him home. I filled my afternoon with homework. I tried to ring Jacob, but he wasn't home. Billy was.

"Can you tell him I called?"

"Sure. But Bella, he's not too happy right now."

Guilt flooded me.

"I know. It's my fault. Just tell him I rang."

"Sure."

I hung up, depressed by my situation. The phone rang while I stood there in my pool of guilt.

"Hello?" I answered breathlessly, hoping it was Jacob.

"Bella! I got the sonogram." It was Renee.

I spent an hour chatting with her while I prepared dinner. I hung up when Charlie got home.

While I was washing up from dinner there was a knock on the front door. Charlie answered it and grudgingly let Edward in. I bounded towards him and wrapped my soapy arms around him.

"But stay downstairs." Charlie warned.

"Dad." I complained. "I'm already pregnant. It's not like we're going to do drugs or anything like that."

"Fine. Keep your door open." He huffed and then sat himself down in front of the television. I smiled in triumph.

"Emmett is so proud of you." Edward informed me the minute we entered my room. "And Rosalie." He added.

"Why?"

" Because you stood up for yourself."

"You mean I broke the nose of a girl I didn't like."

"Something like that."

I sat on the bed. Suddenly I wanted to forget everything, pull Edward out of his self loathing misery and just have fun. I reached out for him and grasped the front of his shirt. I dragged him to me and kissed him desperately. I slowly lay down on the bed as Edward climbed over me. His arms wrapped around me as my legs wrapped around him. We spent a good little while like that until Edward disappeared suddenly. I whipped my head around and found him sitting in the rocking chair.

"Charlie." He mouthed at me. I ran my hand through my hair and sat in a more decent position.

Charlie checked in on us three more times that evening. Each time Edward would pull out of my arms and sit calmly on the other side of the room. The minute the coast was clear he would pounce on me again. I loved every second of it.

**Tell me what you think. Go on. You know you want to...**


	22. Dinner and Discussions

**Hello lovely readers... I struggled so much with writers' block this week. I'm amazed I've got this out. I had a question about the last chapter "What did Lauren do the Bella's truck?" Just to remind you, in Chapter 13 when everyone found out that Bella was pregnant, Lauren wrote "whore" on the sides of Bella's truck in nail polish. That Lauren sure is nasty. So when Edward saw it, apart from being mightily pissed off, he got rid of it... Anyhow, onto the new chapter.**

**Chapter 22: Dinner and Discussions**

Three weeks passed swiftly. At school Edward hovered around me constantly, glaring at anyone and everyone who even considered looking at me funny. Of course, the gossip was rife and not just in school. Whenever I bought groceries Edward would come with me and the other shoppers would look at us with a mixture of pity and curiosity. I was used to it, but I could see it hurt Edward.

He stayed with me every night, and I discovered that Edward had thrown his old boundaries out of the window. Although we didn't go all the way, we were enjoying each other's bodies in a much more intimate way than I was used to. Although my growing belly was an obstacle we had to navigate around quite frequently.

Carlisle had given me more blood three times since I came home. While I was visiting the Cullen's house, Carlisle had pulled me away from Alice and Rose into his study and given me my much needed 'medicine'. After each dose I felt refreshed and almost normal. Edward didn't like it. It reminded him that our baby wasn't human and gave him pause to worry.

Charlie was coming around, seeing that Edward's reappearance in my life was a positive influence. He couldn't deny that I was happier and healthier with Edward by my side. He still viewed Edward with a wary eye, but he wasn't entirely opposed to having him visit. Everything in my life was finally getting better. All was good, except for one thing.

Jacob. I felt so guilty. I hadn't seen him since we got back from New York and he hadn't returned my calls. They probably still had caller ID. Last time Jacob was ignoring me was when he was turning into a werewolf. I hoped nothing else major was going down. While wiping down the counters at work, I decided to try calling him one more time, hopefully he wouldn't recognise this number.

"Hello?" Jacob's gruff voice sounded down the line.

"Jake?" I was so happy to hear his voice, all my annoyance at being ignored disappeared. "Are you ok? I've been so worried about you."

"Gee, Bells. I've just been busy, you know." He sounded so distant.

"Oh." Perhaps he was finally putting the distance between us that we needed. He was being strong and I was being clingy. "Good, I guess."

An awkward silence stretched between us that was longer than the physical distance from me to La Push.

"So how's shacking up with your bloodsucker lover? Is it all working out for you?" His voice cracked. I could hear his pain now. So I did something stupid.

"Jake, come up and see me. Have dinner with me and Charlie. I want to see you again. I miss you."

He paused for a second and then rushed in. "Really? Sure, I... hang on. Is the leech gonna be there?"

"No. He usually comes to see me after dinner."

"Yeah, after he's sucked Bambi dry."

I sighed. He was just hurting. "Please, Jake?"

"Sure, I'll see you soon."

Edward wasn't happy.

"Bella, werewolves are dangerous, especially young ones. They have no control over their tempers. You could get hurt." He was pinching the bridge of his nose while driving me home from work. He had closed his eyes in frustration. Despite his immortal super powers, it still unnerved me when drove with his eyes closed.

"I know you care about him, he was there for you when I wasn't, but I just want you to be safe." He pleaded.

I had to be careful what I said here.

"Edward, I've never been in any danger with him." He looked like he was about to argue with me so I kept going. "There have been times when he was angry but he was always under control. The only time I've really been in danger around my immortal companions was at my stupid birthday party."

Edward was silent.

"You can't tell me not to hang out with him because he's dangerous when you tell me again and again that you're dangerous too. It's inconsistent."

"I'm in control."

"So is Jake." I argued.

"I've had over eighty years to perfect my control. He's had less than six months. It's not the same, Bella."

"I just need to see him. Make sure he's okay. He was my rock. He is my best friend. Please, Edward. He's just coming to dinner. I'm sure you'll be lurking around anyway."

"Fine." He answered as we pulled up to my house.

Edward helped me cook dinner. I insisted that I could do it myself, but he was determined to help, so I let him. He left just before Charlie got home. "I'll be nearby." He said with a kiss. I wasn't sure if he was reassuring me or warning me. Charlie was pleased that his preferred partner for me was coming for dinner.

"That was delicious, Bells." Charlie sighed, as he leant back in his chair.

"Agreed. Although some of it was a bit _sweet_ for my taste." Jacob replied. He cocked his brow at me. He knew Edward had been here and helped me cook.

"Well, I'm gonna leave you kids to talk. There's a game on." Charlie said as he stood up. Jacob helped me clear the table.

"You wash, I'll dry." He suggested. As I started to fill the sink, Jacob leant up on the counter and just looked me over.

"What?"

"You're huge, you know that right?"

"Uh...thanks, Jake. Good to see you're being your usual charming self." I replied.

"No, your stomach. You're like a continent." He tried to dig himself out of the hole he had created.

"I'm nearly thirty weeks. Less than ten to go." I scrubbed at a pan with vigour to hide my shaking hands.

"You're nervous about that aren't you? Having this baby?" He always saw too much. He knew me too well.

"Who isn't? Any woman is nervous about childbirth." I tried to be evasive.

"Yeah," he leant in close, "but this isn't normal." He whispered.

"Well, I'll deal with it when I get there."

We washed and dried in silence for a few minutes.

"Apart from being huge, you look better." I could tell this was hard for him to admit.

"Thanks. I've been sleeping better." I admitted.

"And getting regular doses of the red stuff eh?" Jacob didn't look at me as he said this. He was drying a plate with complete concentration and focus.

"Yeah."

"Mmm."

More silence in the kitchen. In the other room, Charlie was yelling at the tv, hoping that the umpire would see reason.

"How're things in L Push?" I asked.

Jacob leant in and lowered his voice. "Good. We thought we caught the scent of our red headed friend a week ago on the edge of our land but it was an old trail. She's elusive, I'll give her that. She's probably gone to another state to slaughter innocent people and drink baby's blood."

I rolled my eyes at this. Although I felt very safe now as I had all the Cullens plus a pack of werewolves to protect me from a single vampire, I couldn't help feeling that something bad was going to happen. Victoria wasn't just going to let this go.

After dinner we hung out in my kitchen for an hour, catching up. Something felt different in our relationship. It was minute, but it was there. I think Jacob might have just relinquished his hold on me a little. All the friendship and camaraderie was still there, but not quite so much of the one sided unrequited longing. Either that, or he was better at hiding it. By the time Jacob left to go home, I was feeling better about us. I kissed him on the cheek and attempted to hug him as he stood in my doorway. Even his long arms were having trouble fitting around me.

"Night, Bells. I'll speak to you soon."

"Be safe, Jake. Don't speak to strangers on your way home." I cautioned him. He just threw his head back and laughed.

After Jacob was gone I said my goodnights to Charlie and made my way up the stairs to my room.

"Do you feel better?" Edward was lounging on my bed when I entered my room.

"Much." I leant over and kissed him. He wrinkled his nose at me. "What?"

"You smell like wet dog." He said. I tried not to be insulted.

"That must be a relief for you." I replied.

"I like the way you smell." His fingers danced through my hair.

"Well, I'll just go and have a shower." I pulled back and picked up my toiletries bag and pyjamas.

"If Charlie wasn't here, I'd help you." Edward's eyes burned into mine. His suggestion was so tempting.

"Help me." I asked. Edward's lip quivered and his hands tensed up.

"It's just too risky, Bella. I've almost regained a portion of your father's trust. I don't want to lose what I've gained when he finds me naked in the shower with you." I sighed. The picture he'd painted was so beautiful until I put my father in the frame.

"You're probably right. I'll just have to imagine that you're there with me. I'll see you soon." As I left, I could almost swear that he muttered under his breath _I'm already imagining that I'm there with you..._

After my shower I looked at myself in the foggy mirror. I had grown so much in the last three weeks. Jacob had reminded me how fast things were going. I was going to have to talk with Carlisle about having this baby. I was scared, especially after watching that movie during our Sexual Health Week at school. While I put on my new extra large t-shirt I'd been wearing to bed for the past two weeks, my baby twitched.

"Edward." I whispered. I sat down on the edge of the bath, my hand resting on my stomach.

"What? What is it?" Edward had appeared in the bathroom. I reached forward and grabbed his hand and placed it on my stomach. He could feel our baby moving. He smiled.

"This isn't hurting you is it?"

"No."

"Good." He said. He looked at my stomach intently while his fingers danced gently over it. Suddenly the gentle kicks changed into a painful stabbing. I gasped in shock.

"Bella!"

"I'm okay." I panted. "Baby's just growing. She's starting to run out of room. That's all." I was still sitting on the edge of the bath wearing only my panties and a large t-shirt. Edward picked up my sweatpants and then me and carried me back to my room. Placing me gently on the bed and stood up and started to pace. I had to try and head him off. I could see he was going to start blaming himself and fall into a deep pit of despair and self loathing.

"Edward, come here." I ordered.

He stopped mid-pace and looked at me.

"I need you here." I patted the space next to me on the bed. He just nodded his head and sat himself down next to me. I was getting better at being stronger and saying what I wanted.

"Don't you dare get angry or upset. Our baby is just growing. She can't help it if she needs to stretch her limbs."

"But it hurts you. I can't approve of that." He lifted my shirt and I could see a bruise developing on my stomach.

"Well, I want you to put it out of your mind. Tomorrow, you and I are going to talk to Carlisle. Tonight, you're going to kiss me." Edward didn't expect this. A myriad of emotions crossed his face in a matter of seconds. I think he decided it would be easier just to do what I say. He lowered his face and gently kissed the spot where the bruise was forming. Then he moved closer to me as his hand travelled under my shirt. He stopped just before his lips touched mine, his hand hovered just over the heated skin of my breast.

"We will be talking about this tomorrow. I'm not going to forget it." He warned.

I nodded and stretched up, eager to feel his lips on mine.

After school Edward followed me home. I left my truck outside and slipped inside the Volvo. While we sped down the highway the familiar sounds of Albinoni filtered out of the speakers. I sighed, I loved this music. It was hauntingly beautiful, yet had a real air of melancholy to it. It had been so long since I'd listened to any music.

"What are you thinking?" Edward's eyes burned into mine. They were black, he needed to hunt soon.

"I love this adagio. It just pulls at my heart in a painful yet beautiful way."

"I know what you mean."

"Also, I was just thinking that it had been so long since I'd listened to music. After you left, I stopped doing anything that could possibly remind me of you. So I pushed music out of my life first."

Edward sighed so I kept talking. "But I'm so glad that now you're back, you're also bringing back other things I love."

"I suppose that's acceptable." Edward answered uneasily. The topic of our separation was still a sore one and neither of us raised it unless we had to.

We pulled up into the Cullens' garage. As Edward helped me out of the car I spotted Rosalie's long shapely legs protruding out from under her convertible. Emmett was holding the vehicle up, acting as a jack.

"Hey guys." I called out a greeting.

"Hey slugger, how are you?" Emmett replied. He'd been calling me that ever since he found out I broke Lauren's nose.

"Bella!" Rosalie slipped out from under the car and greeted me with a smile. She had a smear of oil on her cheek and her hair was in a messy bun. It was weird seeing her so... casual. She still looked perfect and inhumanly beautiful but more relaxed. She wiped her hands on her old oily jeans and gave me an apologetic wave. "I'm going to clean up, I'll see you soon." Then she disappeared.

"Hey!" Emmett called after her. "Are you done? Can I put it down now?"

I laughed and shook my head as Edward led me away to Carlisle's office.

"So basically, I'm going to treat this as a normal labour unless the situation calls for something else." Carlisle summarised our talk. "Bella is at thirty weeks now. The longer the baby is in there, the more likely it is that it will be born healthy. But babies have been born earlier and survived."

"So you're saying I could fall into labour any day now?" My voice trembled slightly. I was hoping he wouldn't notice.

"Technically, yes. But it is far more likely to occur in about six to eight weeks time, which is your due date. However, a lot of first time mothers go over their due date." Carlisle reassured me.

"But this isn't normal, Carlisle." Edward interjected. Carlisle looked at him a moment before replying.

"Despite the baby's need for blood, everything else is perfectly normal so far."

"Except the sonogram." I objected. Edward's comment had unnerved me. This wasn't normal and I was exceptionally unlucky.

"I have a theory about that." Carlisle answered.

"Really?"

Edward leant forward in his chair. He obviously hadn't heard this theory yet either.

"As you know, when Alice was human she had visions of the future and then when she became a vampire her powers sharpened." Carlisle started.

"What does that have to do with my baby?"

"I'm getting there. Edward must have been sensitive to the thoughts of others and Jasper very charismatic and now we know what they can do as vampires. We all know that Edward can't hear your thoughts."

Edward's eyes widened. He was obviously three steps ahead of me.

"Yes. But I must just be a freak of nature."

Carlisle smiled at me fondly. "I just think that your thoughts are being shielded, albeit unconsciously."

"Shielded?"

"I think, if you were to become a vampire, there is a distinct possibility that you would have a type of shielding power. If that is true, you might just be shielding your baby from the world. Hence why I can't see it on the sonogram."

It was a lot to take in. Firstly he said _if you were to become a vampire_, like it wasn't a done deal. That discussion with Edward was going to have to wait. Secondly, it was a logical explanation. I wanted to protect my baby from the world with every cell in my body, so my latent 'shielding powers' were coming into play. If that was true, then everything else about this pregnancy was completely normal. It was only the baby's appetite for blood and apparent strength that was different. I knew it. I smiled.

"That makes sense. I like your theory, Carlisle. I feel better."

"If the pregnancy starts to take too much of a toll on your body, we can talk about inducing an early labour but for now everything seems to be completely normal."

Edward looked at Carlisle for a moment but when he saw me watching him, he smiled at me. I wasn't entirely convinced but I was reassured for now.

As we left Carlisle's office Rosalie and Alice grabbed me by the elbows and dragged me away. I was seated on the sofa, Esme on one side and Rosalie on the other. Alice was flitting around the room, incapable of sitting still. Edward stood nearby, whilst Emmett and Jasper were playing shooting games on the X-Box.

"Come on, Bella. Time is up." Rosalie said.

"I've barely thought about it." I replied.

"Come on, Bella. You must have something ready." Alice pushed.

"Leave her alone, Alice. Naming a baby is a difficult thing to do." Esme scolded her daughters, but she looked at me so eagerly it was hard to resist her.

"Well, I haven't really talked about it much with Edward." I started

"It's really up to you, Bella. If I don't like it I'll say so, but in the end you're the one having the baby, what I want doesn't really come into it." Edward was being angelic. I loved him so much. It was Rosalie tugging at me sleeve that brought me out of my Edward reverie.

"I'm sure this baby will be unique, so I wanted to give him or her a unique name."

"Uh oh." Emmett said.

"What?" I wondered what had upset Emmett about my decision.

"Never let a pregnant woman make a major decision. They can't think rationally." Emmett said casually, while staring at the tv.

"Why not?" Jasper asked.

"All those hormones running through their bodies, makes em do crazy things." He responded. I picked up a cushion but Rosalie snatched it out of my hand and threw it at a lightning speed. It hit Emmett with a resounding smack. Meanwhile, Jasper killed his guy in the game and leant back, victorious.

"Thanks, Rose." I said sweetly.

"No problem." She answered while glaring at her husband.

"What?" Emmett was incorrigible.

"Anyway," I continued. "I was originally going to go with something unique, but then I realised that this baby will have to live with it. So if it's a boy I thought maybe Evan." I looked to Edward. He smiled.

"Evan. I like it."

"Me too." Alice trilled. "I'm going to call the baby Evan from now on. Our bet is still on, isn't Rose?"

"Absolutely." She replied. "What about a girl?"

"That was harder to pick, but I think I like Phoebe." Edward smiled again. I think he liked it.

"I love them both." Esme gushed. Rosalie put her face close to my stomach.

"Come on, Phoebe. I know you're a girl. I can't wait to meet you and prove Auntie Alice wrong."

"Evan is going to wipe that smug smile off your face, Rose." Alice responded. Edward reached forward to help me out of the pile of Cullen women.

"Time to take Bella home." He said.

"You always spoil our fun Edward." Alice pouted.

"It's just I really don't want Chief Swan to get a restraining order on me. It's either that, or he'll try to shoot me if I ever bring his daughter home late. And trying to explain why the bullets don't work is a conversation I'm just not ready for." Edward's arm fell around me shoulders as he guided me to his car. I waved a goodbye to my family and let Edward drive me home.

**So... do you like the names? What do you think? I'm greedy. Please tell me. Please.**


	23. Showers and Scents

**Sorry about the delay guys. Life stuff. Also tad depressed, the last two chapters have received half the reviews than the ones before. Only 6 reviews! My heart is breaking... but I kept writing, because I know not everybody who reads and loves stories reviews. So here is the new chapter for you...**

**Chapter 23: Showers and Scents**

School had been its usual hell for the last week, until the day my baby broke my ribs.

Edward had settled into his old schedule and was in nearly all my classes. Calculus and Gym were the exceptions that even he couldn't dazzle his way into. Yesterday afternoon, Carlisle had given me more blood. I had been feeling quite drained until the red liquid trickled into my veins. I was just thirty one weeks pregnant but I was quite large. Carlisle said the baby was about the size of a thirty three week old baby, but he wasn't entirely sure if his measurements were accurate because this child was half vampire. Either way I felt huge and lumpy.

Donated blood flowed through my veins more often than not and Edward didn't like it. He said it changed the way I smelled. I suspected he was also getting worried about my health and what our baby was going to be when it was born. I just focused in on my baby's heartbeat and that thought reassured me that everything was going to be alright.

All morning my girl, as she was today, had been wriggling. It was getting uncomfortable. I constantly shifted in my seat. During English Edward had knotted his fingers in mine and gave me a reassuring squeeze every time I moved. She finally settled down after that class. I handed in a paper in Spanish and doodled on Edward's notebook. I wrote his name in a number of different sizes and drew a couple of ominous bats around it. He just rolled his eyes at me. After Spanish he walked me to Calculus. Outside the classroom we met Alice, who was walking with Edward to his next class. A frown graced her delicate face.

"What's wrong, Alice?" I asked.

"I don't know. I still can't see what's going to happen to the baby and it frustrates me." Her slender fingers pushed into her temples, like she was trying to force a vision into her skull.

"It's going to be ok. Don't worry about it." I reassured her.

"I'm afraid that will be impossible for both of us." She replied, indicating herself and her brother. Worrying about me was something in which Edward excelled at.

"Stay safe, I'll see you at lunch." Edward kissed me goodbye. I just rolled my eyes and walked into the room. Jessica and Lauren watched me as I walked by. Neither of them knew how to handle the situation. Edward terrified them and I had already broken Lauren's nose, yet the situation was so gossip-worthy it nearly killed them to stay silent.

The teacher surprised us with a pop quiz that Alice had warned me about. Although Calculus wasn't something that came naturally to me, my many months of loneliness came into play. I had worked so hard at my school work, I breezed through the test. While the rest of the class sat hunched over their papers, I leant my head on my hand and looked out the window. It was a grey day and I loved it. The temperamental clouds wrestled and rolled about in the sky. There were an infinite number of greys tossed about with an occasional puff of white sneaking in. My hand was stroking my baby. I could feel her head lower down and the way her spine curled up toward my heart. Feeling her normal shape comforted me. I imagined her beating heart and wondered whether she would have my eyes or Edward's. And if she had Edward's eyes, would they be green or gold? I didn't understand too much about the change from human to vampire and whether the genetic material I received from Edward was leftover from his human self, but I secretly hoped they would be gold. Those were the eyes I knew and loved. But then gold eyes would mean a vampire, right? My reverie was interrupted when a swift kick to my ribs cracked them. I felt it, and it stung. The teacher noticed when I jumped in my seat and my swift intake of breath. I had gripped my pen so hard that I'd snapped it. Blue ink dotted my hand. As I leant forward to grab my bag, tears filled my eyes. It hurt so much. I staggered to the front of the class.

"Are you alright, Bella?"

"I feel sick? Can I go to the nurse's office?" I whispered.

"Of course."

Once I was out of the classroom I fumbled in my bag with my left hand, my right still holding my side. Eventually my fingers closed on the cell phone. I opened it and called Edward while I sank to the ground. He answered straightaway. All I said was, "I need you."

"I'm coming." He replied.

He was by my side in a minute, which was impressive since his class was on the other side of the school. I only hoped he wasn't seen.

"What's wrong?" Edward knelt in front of me. He pulled my hair out of my face and looked me over.

"I need to see Carlisle. I think she broke a rib."

Edward didn't say anything. He just picked me up and walked out of the school. Edward remained silent during the drive to the hospital. Instead he'd driven so fast that the landscape blurred beside us. We breezed through the emergency room and walked straight to Carlisle's office, Edward supporting me the entire way. Carlisle heard us coming and opened the door.

"What happened?"

Carlisle taped up my rib while Edward paced the examination room looking guilty.

"Edward, please stop pacing, you're making me dizzy." I objected. He stopped suddenly and leant up on a wall, his arms were folded.

"The baby's only going to get stronger. What are we going to do, Carlisle?" Carlisle was peering closely at the bruise developing on my skin.

"What do you want me to do, Edward?" He asked calmly.

"I don't know... just help her. Stop it hurting her." Edward buried his face in his hands.

"She's not an 'it', Edward," I warned. "She's just stretching her limbs."

"But-"

"And we're getting close to the end. She's nearly full term." Carlisle added. He started packing away the tape while Edward helped me put my shirt back on. Lifting my arms above my head was nearly impossible with my fractured rib.

"So we're just going to wait? All the while your ribs break and bruises cover your stomach?"

"Yes." I stroked Edward's cheek and tried to smile reassuringly. He shook his head and looked away.

"It's not good enough."

"It's going to have to be." I said.

"Do you want to back to school? If we leave now, we'll be back in time for biology."

I considered skipping school but I had missed so much school already. Also, if I missed the rest of the day people would think I was having a baby.

"Not really, but I should."

"I'll write you a note to explain your absence." Carlisle offered.

The drive back to school was tense. Edward was upset about me being hurt and I was upset because Edward was upset.

"Thank you for coming so quickly."

"You needed me. There is nothing that could stop me." He replied simply, his eyes burning into mine.

"How's the baby?" Edward asked after a long pause. I hoped he was asking because he was genuinely interested in the baby.

"I think she's okay. Quietened down, just wriggling a bit. Do you think I should tell Charlie?" I asked. The rain finally started to fall. It had been threatening to all day.

"About today?" He mused about it for a moment. "Probably best not to raise it unless he does."

"Less is more." I concluded.

When Edward and I took our seats at our shared biology table, a few eyebrows raised. I wondered what they were thinking, so I asked the man next to me.

"What do they think?"

"There was a rumour running around the school that you'd fallen into labour. And another less exciting one that you and I skipped the rest of school today." He murmured.

"Ah." I responded politely as Mr. Banner made his way into the room. "Guess we proved them wrong."

That afternoon Edward drove me to his place and he wouldn't tell me why. I was always happy to see the Cullens. Alice hadn't mentioned anything specific about today but she had been bouncing more than usual the past couple of days. So I was worried. As soon as I walked into the house, I groaned.

"Surprise!" Alice called. A shiny blue banner hung from the ceiling with 'Congratulations' printed on it. Alice had a blue helium balloon floating above her with the words 'It's a Boy!' on it. Rosalie had a pink 'It's a Girl' one. The Cullen men were standing around looking awkward.

"It's your baby shower, Bella." Rosalie beamed.

"Did you know about this?" I pointed at Edward accusingly.

"Um...No?" He tried to look innocent. Of course it would be impossible for him to not know when Alice was around coordinating decorations three weeks in advance. Esme took my arm and peeled me off Edward and sat me down. I looked at the presents and laughed. They were all wrapped in a soft fabric. There wasn't a sharp edge in sight. Alice had a funny sense of humour.

Charlie had been warned about the shower, although he was surprised to see me home empty handed.

"I thought they were showering you in baby things?"

"They were way too generous. I decided to leave everything at their house until..." Here was the sticky point. Where was I going to live after the baby was born? How long would it be until I could get Edward to change me? If I was changed, would I want to drink from my own child? Was my child even human? Every question led to a million more. I was drowning in an ocean of uncertainty and it was almost easier to stay there rather than seek out the answers I needed. "I need it." I finished.

"Anything nice?" Charlie asked over a forkful of food.

"They got me a crib, and a pram and piles and piles of clothes for the baby. Esme knitted little booties and hats in every color of the rainbow. Rosalie is convinced it's a girl so she bought a beautiful antique doll for her. But Alice is convinced it's a boy, so she bought an adorable little sailor suit."

Charlie smiled. He still had a soft spot for Alice, and whatever Alice thought was right, he was backing.

"That sounds very nice of them."

"They really are wonderful." I sighed as I thought about my family. They really were _my_ family now. I realised that I couldn't hide from those big issues anymore, if I was going to be a Mom I would have to be responsible. Tonight I would talk with Edward about everything.

After dinner I trudged up the stairs slowly, my rib hurting more and more as the hours wore on. In my room, Edward was waiting patiently. He kissed my brow and passed me some pain relief.

"Carlisle said you might be feeling the after effects now of the fracture and gave me this for you." I took the pills and went into the bathroom to clean my body and prepare my mind for the talk I was going to have. The pills started working while the hot water soothed me. The throbbing pain dwindled as I returned to my room and Edward's arms. I sighed, it was now or never.

"Edward, what happens after?"

"After what?" He replied absentmindedly. He was tracing circles on my stomach and nuzzling my neck. It was very distracting.

"After the baby is born."

"I assume that if it isn't an uncontrollable demon child we'll name the him or her and try to raise it, whatever it is." He said.

"I meant to me." I looked him in the eyes, trying to convey my meaning with a look.

"Are you scared about the birth?"

"Well, yes. But that's not what I meant."

"You don't need to worry. Carlisle will get you through it." He tried to reassure me, but he looked worried himself. I sighed. I was going to have to be direct.

"Edward, do you love me?"

His eyes widened. "Of course I do."

"Do you want me?"

"Without question." He answered.

"Forever?"

He paused and looked away. "So that's what you're asking. You want to become a monster."

"No, I want to be the same as you. Being apart nearly killed me and you said you were lost without me. While I'm human, I'm still dying. Each day I get closer to the end and I don't want that. I don't want us to be apart ever again."

"Bella, I know the consequences of this choice you're making. If you change, you will turn into a creature full of bloodlust, driven purely by emotions. Rational thought flies out the window and you'll destroy anything that gets in your way, whether it be your father, or me or our baby." He ran his hand down my cheek. "I can't bear the thought that you'll look at me in ten years time with nothing but resentment because I stole your humanity to keep you selfishly by my side."

I could see he wanted me forever but was bound by guilt and his moral compass to deny himself this one wish.

"I understand your fears." I reasoned with him, "I don't want to hurt Charlie, or you. The thought I might hurt our baby chills me to the bone. But I need to think past that. You gained control of yourself eventually. I know you can look after me." I reached down and grabbed his hand, squeezing his icy fingers. "This baby is going to kick start a whole world of uncertainty for us. I just need to know that you're committed to me and my eventual change. We need to wait and see with this baby, but I want to know that in a year or two we'll be the same."

"If I agree, it will be the most selfish thing I've ever done or will do." He searched my eyes, desperately searching for a reason to refuse me. He didn't find one.

"But it will make both of us happy. How can so much happiness be selfish?" I asked.

"I guess I've got two years to talk you out of it." A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. This was the closest I was going to get to a 'yes' tonight. I was happy with that. I kissed that suggestion of a smile on Edward's beautiful face while he switched off the lamp.

The week following my 'discussion' with Edward was a blissful one. The only blemish was the ugly bruise on my side and the fractured ribs underneath it. School was a necessary evil that we suffered through. I still did two shifts a week at Newton's and earned basically nothing. Alice regularly breezed into my room with a new piece of clothing and dressed me it. Alice's reappearance in my life brought Charlie endless joy. And I spent more and more time with my family. Emmett and Jasper were teaching my how to play Halo on the X-box. Rose and Alice argued over different types of baby clothes. I knew my baby would never wear the same outfit twice. Carlisle gave me a whole pile of books to read about babies, with "What to Expect when you're Expecting" on top. I had a long talk with Esme about childbirth, which scared me a lot. And Edward was always nearby, ready to get me anything I needed.

I had the controller in my hand, my fingers were gripping it so tightly they were starting to ache.

"Left! Left! Look out!" Emmett shouted.

I punched buttons and tried to shoot things. Jasper was jumping up and down behind me, frustrated at my slow reactions.

"Gah!" I threw the controller down as I lost my life again. "I'm just not a natural born killing machine." I pouted.

"There's always time, little sister." Emmett patted me on the shoulder with one hand and stole the controller with the other.

"Hey!"

"I just wanna help you beat Jasper." Emmett explained as he proceeded to push buttons at a lightning pace.

Edward leant up on a wall watching us with a bemused expression on his face. Suddenly he frowned.

"Bella, where is your cell phone?"

"In my bag." I pointed across the room. As soon as I pointed, Edward was there, pulling the ringing device out and passed it to me.

"Who's calling you? Everyone you know is here?" Emmett joked.

"It's her dog." Edward grumbled.

I glared at him as I answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Bells, are you with your bloodsuckers? Please say yes?" Jacob panted down the phone.

"Yes. What's wrong?" Halo was forgotten as the Cullen men crowded around me.

"We caught the scent of your red head as well as another two bloodsuckers. One of them was the one following us in New York. They split up but Red just left our land and crossed into Cullen territory. We can't follow her and the other two. Last we could tell she was heading for your house."

Edward snatched the phone out of my hand. Only one word left my mouth. "Charlie."

**Are you still liking it?**

**We're nearing the end people... encourage me to keep going.**


	24. Tracking and Tricks

**Sorry about the week delay. Easter hit me and this was a really hard chapter to write...**

**Chapter 24: Tracking and Tricks**

In the next minute a lot of things happened really quickly. All the Cullens assembled in the room instantly and silently. Edward started firing questions down the line to Jacob, asking locations and times. Esme wrapped a cool, comforting arm around my shoulders and Alice closed her eyes and had her fingers at her temples, seeing a thousand futures at once. I focused on trying to breathe. My hand travelled to my stomach automatically, holding myself together.

_Charlie would be fine. My baby would be fine. I was going to be fine. Breathe, Bella._

Edward snapped the phone closed and said something really quickly. Things were blurring around me. They were making decisions and not including me.

"Stop!" I shouted. "What are you doing? What's happening?"

Edward was in front of me, an icy hand cupped my cheek. "We're taking care of things, Bella. Emmett and Rose are taking one trail and Jasper and I another. Alice is going to your house to check on Charlie and keep him safe. Carlisle and Esme are going to look after you." It was all happening so fast.

"But..." I started.

Edward smiled to reassure me. "Also, although I hate to involve them, the wolves are going to help us. They're going to show us where the trails ended on their side of the line and keep watch in case these renegades cross back into their territory."

Alice sighed, "Although their involvement means that our future just vanished. It makes me nervous."

Seeing Alice nervous scared me, but everyone else seemed so confident.

"But..." I had nothing really to object to. I was protected and they were looking after Charlie. But seeing Edward leave me tugged at my heart.

"Be safe." I whispered. He leant forward, kissed me fiercely and then flew out of the house with his siblings.

Esme guided me to a chair while Carlisle paced the room.

"Jacob said there were two others. Victoria terrifies me. Now there are two more. What if they hurt Edward? Or Rose? Or Alice? It's all my fault." My arms wrapped around my middle, I was trying to hold myself together.

"Hush." Esme soothed. Her hand caressed my cheek and patted my hair gently.

"You're part of this family, Bella." Carlisle said. "If they threaten one of us, they threaten all of us. We're strong. There are only three of them. Although I loathe the idea of ending another life, Victoria has threatened us one too many times and I feel she will not respond to negotiation." He mused. Pain crossed his gentle face at the thought of causing another creature harm, even one as evil as Victoria.

"Is it alright if I call Charlie?" I asked.

"Of course." He replied.

Charlie took ages to pick up the phone. Each ring struck a new wave of fear to my heart.

"Hello?"

"Dad? Are you okay?" I said breathlessly.

"Bells? Of course I'm okay. I just... hang on. Someone's at the door."

"Dad, wait!" I heard Charlie put the phone down. I strained my ears, desperate to hear what was happening. I heard the loud creak of the front door and Charlie muttered some words. Then I heard Charlie's heavy footsteps return to the phone.

"Alice is here. She's begging to have you stay the night with her. Wants to pick up some clothes from your room."

I sighed in relief.

"Is that why you rang?" He asked.

After my chat with Charlie, I paced the Cullens' living room end to end. Carlisle and Esme sat motionless on the sofa watching me walk out my frustration. After a few minutes of silence Carlisle's phone rang. He answered it immediately.

"Yes... okay. She's fine. Yes, soon."

He looked at me. "Edward and Jasper are following Victoria's trail, it leads away from your house and goes north. Emmett and Rose are following the other trail, it was heading to Charlie but veered away and is circling back towards Forks. Alice will remain in the vicinity of your house to watch Charlie, but it looks like any immediate threat to him is over."

I sighed in relief and then winced. It hurt my ribs. Carlisle looked concerned.

"How are the ribs?"

"Sore." I admitted. "But I'll be fine. Sore ribs are the least of my worries right now."

Esme was nervous for her children but I was her immediate concern.

"Are you hungry, dear?" She asked.

Although I couldn't bear the thought of eating anything right now, I almost agreed seeing how desperately she needed a distraction from her thoughts.

"No thank you." Instead we sat in silence. I picked up one of the books Carlisle gave me. I was trying to read about babies and birthing but my heart and mind was out in the wild woods of Forks.

Carlisle's phone rang. It had been half an hour since the last call. He checked the id and then answered it.

"Yes, Emmett." He paused as he listened to Emmett speak. "Are you sure?" He walked to the window. His hand came up and rubbed his chin. He looked to me briefly. "The others?...Alright. Soon." He hung up and looked at Esme.

"Emmett needs my help. Will you be fine to look after Bella?"

"Of course. Is he alright?" Esme looked worried for her headstrong son.

"Yes. The two have split up. He's worried about Rose following one on her own. All the trails are leading away from us here, so you should be safe. Also, the wolves are patrolling their borders." He reassured her. Kissing her gently goodbye, he disappeared.

"Looks like it's just us." Esme smiled at me.

To pass the time, I let Esme make me a sandwich. It tasted like dirt. I forced down the sandwich I didn't want with a glass of milk. We both looked at Esme's silver cell phone sitting on the kitchen island, willing it to ring. Then we moved to the living room and put the television on. I couldn't focus on the screen, my eyes just blurred. I was thinking about Edward, terrified that my red-haired demon would tear him apart. I had visions of sweet little Alice in pieces, Rosalie's long limbs in pieces on the ground and the seemingly indestructible Emmett screaming with rage as his head was torn from his body. I didn't realize I was shaking until Esme's face appeared in my line of vision.

"Calm down, Bella. It's okay. They'll be okay."

"I'm scared for them, Esme."

"Me too, but only because I'm their mother. I know how powerful a vampire is, it's just my mothering instinct that worries for them. My children are strong, stronger than any other vampire that threatens us. They'll be fine." She held me close and rocked me back and forth. While in her cool arms, I slowly remembered how to breathe again. In and out. Each slow breath calmed me. Until Esme's phone rang.

"Emmett?" Her beautiful face frowned. "Yes she's here....Why?...How soon?" She crossed the room as she listened to the phone. In less than twenty seconds she hung up.

"Emmett is picking you up and taking you to Edward. There's been a change in plan."

"Okay." I was going to Edward. Everything would be okay. I reassured Evan that we would be with his father soon. As I stood up the front door burst open. Emmett lumbered in and spotted me. He smiled. In a flash he picked me up, bridal style and walked out of the house.

"Thanks." He called to Esme and then started running. It happened so quickly that all the air in my lungs wooshed out. The land passed us in a blur and it took a minute for me to get my breath back.

"Why the change in plan?" I asked.

He grinned at me cheekily. Something wasn't right, I could feel it in my gut. I looked Emmett over, he was the Emmett I knew; the dimples, brown curls and brawny shoulders. Then I saw his eyes. They were crimson.

Suddenly I knew I was in the arms of a vampire that I didn't know. A vampire who was in league with Victoria and I had just handed myself over. Like a lamb to the slaughter. Stupid lamb.

"You're not Emmett." Again, another cheeky grin was flashed my way. "Who are you?" I demanded. I blinked as Emmett melted away. This vampire was an average size, had dark blond hair and the telltale crimson eyes of a murderer. It was strange how deathly calm I was in his arms.

"Neat trick." I complimented him.

"It comes in useful." He replied. Emmett's voice was gone. This vampire was like a chameleon or a shape shifter.

"So are you Victoria's new lapdog?" I taunted. I noticed he was slowing down. We were in the middle of the woods, but I had no idea where. My quick exit from the Cullen place ensured that I had nothing on me but the clothes on my back. My cell phone was sitting on the coffee table.

"I owed her a favor, after this we're even." He replied. He put me down on a rock in a clearing and I stayed put. I couldn't run, there was no point.

"What now?"

"We wait." He replied. He was a vampire of few words. I swallowed my terror.

"Edward will come for me." I informed him.

"Probably." He shrugged. He settled himself comfortably under a tree, stretching his legs out and folding his arms. I wondered if I was still on Cullen territory or Quileute. This vampire seemed to bear no ill will towards me, he was just returning a favour. I just prayed that the Cullens would find Victoria before she found me.

The stress of the situation tensed me up and Evan bounced up and down nervously.

"Hush, baby. We'll be okay." I whispered. My guard peered at me curiously while I comforted the child in my stomach.

"Is it really his?"

"Yes." Our roles reversed, me taking the monosyllabic character and he the curious inquisitor.

"Hmm." He replied.

The silence was comforting and terrifying. I was sitting in a clearing waiting for my nightmare to come and kill me. But while all was quiet I was safe. The occasional birdcall interrupted the silence, but all I could hear was the thumping of my terrified heart.

It could have been five minutes, it could have been half an hour, I didn't know, but my guard stood up. He had heard her coming. I trembled.

I always thought that when you are going to die, the sky would open up in sympathy. Rain would pour down and the sky would rage with thunder and lightning. Instead I had a cloudy day. Just another normal day in Forks. Victoria stood in the clearing, a slight breeze stirring up her flame colored locks. She turned to my guard. "You know what to do. Go and do it."

The dirty blond vampire melted away and Rosalie stood in front of me. She winked and then disappeared into the scrub.

"Alone at last, my pet."

There was nothing I could do to save myself. I was only human. The only thing I could do was delay her and pray for help. If nothing else, for the sake of my baby. He deserved to live and I would do anything to give him that gift.

"How?" I asked.

A frown crossed her gleeful face. I took a small step backwards.

"How did you trick Carlisle? And Emmett?"

She rolled her eyes. "You're trying to delay me. I can see through that, my little human." In a flash she was next to me, burying her nose in my hair and inhaling. "I'm going to enjoy our time together, pet."

"Tell me." I insisted.

"I brought my friends. Weren't you paying attention? Humans are so unobservant." She ran her fingers through my hair, scratching my scalp. "You saw what Ethan can do and Jack is also special. He can stop you in your tracks with just a single thought. They are very useful friends to have." Her teeth were at my neck, she nipped me playfully, painfully. I squirmed. "All they did was approach the big vampire and his blond mate, take his phone and make a phone call. But enough of that, I have things to do."

I took another step back. "Ethan said he wasn't your friend. He just owed you a favour." I was clutching at straws. Victoria laughed at my attempt to distract her. Her laughter echoed in the empty clearing. "Does it bother you that you couldn't get me on your own? That you had to call in favors just to catch one weak human?" I taunted. I had run out of questions, instead I moved in on the insults. Maybe if I made her mad enough, she'd make it quick. A shove on my shoulders forced me backwards on the ground and all the air fell out of my lungs.

"Where to start?" Victoria mused, looming over me. The sunlight behind her put her in an ominous silhouette. My hands came up protectively around my stomach.

I felt cold hands on me. By the time I registered this fact I was flying through the air. My body hit a solid old beech tree on the edge of the clearing. My left shoulder cracked and rattled and my arm went numb. Tears filled my eyes, blinding me. I was gasping and panting, desperately trying to fill my bruised lungs with air. Cold hands grasped me again, my shoulder screamed in pain and I matched it. Victoria shoved me back against the tree again, my ribs taking the strain.

"Save your breath, Bella. I've only just started." Her face sneered as she said my name, like it was something disgusting. Her hand covered my right hand and then she squeezed tightly. The bones in my hand resisted for a second and then snapped and splintered. I sobbed in pain. I begged her to stop. What else could I do?

"Please, please." I repeated over and over again.

"Begging doesn't bring him back, my love." James, her mate that the Cullens killed. "A mate for a mate, pet." She said while trailing an icy finger down my cheek and then she picked me up threw me to the center of the clearing. I rolled over and over again, my left arm numb and my right hand throbbing. When I finally stopped rolling I lay on the ground and looked up at the sky. The clouds had gathered. I was going to get ominous weather for my death after all.

Pain in my stomach dragged me back to reality. I screamed. Then I realised Victoria hadn't touched me. A dampness spread through my jeans. Something was wrong with the baby. My useless hands tried to hold my stomach. Victoria walked towards me.

"This should be interesting." She murmured.

It was too soon. I wasn't ready. The baby wasn't due for a month. I was curled in a foetal position and trembling all over. Something was wrong. Half remembered medical terms flew through my adrenaline soaked brain. All the books Carlisle had given me blurred into a panicked mess. All I knew for sure was that I had just received several hard blows to my stomach as I'd rolled over and over and now I was in agony. My back hurt, my stomach hurt and contraction after contraction shook my body. Victoria stood over me, her eyes blazing. Her delicate nostrils twitched and her eyes started to glaze over. I recognized that look. She could smell blood. My blood.

**Was all my agonising for naught? Did you like it... tell me.**


	25. Shedevils and Suffering

**This is it, guys. Last chapter. I want to thank all of you who read this right to the end. Much love goes out to all those who reviewed. Enough blabber, on with the story...**

**Chapter 25: She-devils and Suffering**

Contractions shook my body and blood spread through my jeans. I was bleeding and my baby was in danger. Victoria stood over me, a desperate agonized look crossed her face. She was thirsty. My hands clawed at the ground, the crushed fingers on my right hand twitching in agony. I screamed in pain and despair, terrified for my baby. He was in trouble and I couldn't help him. Cool drops of rain started to drip onto my face. The pain of my shoulder and my hand paled in comparison to the fear I felt for my child.

"Help me." I begged the open sky, for I knew that if I looked at my red-headed demon despair would crush me. "Please." I whispered.

A snort of derision reached me through my haze of terror and agony.

"Oh dear, my pet, what should I do? Although I love seeing you in pain, it almost disappoints me that it's not of my doing." Victoria appeared next to me, crouched by my head. Her icy hand tenderly tugged my sweaty hair out of my eyes and brushed it behind my ear. I tried to get away but even sitting up was impossible. I fell back to the ground with a moan. Victoria clucked her tongue as a million torturing possibilities ran through her head. I shifted my left hand around my stomach, ignoring the twinge of protest from my shattered shoulder. My bruised and fractured ribs meant that I couldn't get a full lungful of air, so I was panting like a dog and gulping mouthfuls of oxygen.

Victoria's hand came down on my stomach and she pushed, gently at first. I wailed in pain and tried to wiggle out of her reach.

"Don't." I whispered.

She pushed again, harder. I screamed.

"That baby seems to be bothering you, my love. Let's get it out." Nothing in my life had ever terrified me more than the angelic smile that graced her face now. It would haunt me for the rest of my life, however long that may be.

When James' teeth had sunk into my hand it had hurt, but it had been a small pain really compared with some of the other traumas of my traumatic accident prone life. Then when his venom had started to spread through my body, the fire, the pain had no words to describe it. But it had been a purely physical pain, a burning fire that would have rid me of my mortality.

This was worse.

My baby was in trouble. He was hurting. This was killing him. The physical pain coupled with this anxiety for my child was the worst thing that I would ever feel. I knew it. My voice was nearly gone from too much screaming. I could only moan and gasp and cry. The tears travelled down my cheeks and I could taste their salty bitterness on my lips. The fingernails that Alice had so carefully filed and painted a garish red only two days ago dug into my palms, the blood on my hands indiscernible from the polish. All I could do was focus on Victoria's head as she pushed on my stomach, forcing my baby to either come out or be flattened by her iron fists. I studied her profile, committing it to memory, and loathing every inch of her. She wasn't breathing, so desperate was she to control her bloodlust and prolong my torture.

"I don't know if this is working, pet." She mused. Her sickly sweet voice rebounded through my brain. "Perhaps I should try a more invasive technique." She lifted her brow suggestively while tugging back my shirt to expose the bare skin of my stomach. It was blue and purple all over. I was bleeding inside, under the skin.

She couldn't. She wouldn't....

Her fingers pressed into my skin, her nails tearing through the delicate fibres. She was clawing her way into my eyes widened in shock and pain. Then darkness swept over me taking me away. I almost prayed I would stay there.

Despite the comfort the darkness provided, a squalling cry dragged me from it. Although I had never heard it before I knew in my soul what it was. It was my baby and he needed me. I could feel the constant patter of rain on my face. That was what I felt first, then a fresh shock of pain fired through me as my body lay torn open, exposed the elements. I shuddered and started to sink into the darkness again when that sound pulled me back again. A cry of distress. That little voice that needed me. My pain was absolute yet I put it aside and opened my eyes. Victoria was crouched over a little bloody bundle in the grass. I couldn't move, I couldn't cry out. I grunted, blood trickling out of the corner of my mouth. Victoria shifted her weight to look at me.

"Still alive, my pet?"

Pale little limbs twitched in the grass and there was nothing I could do. My last tear trickled down my cheek, disappearing amongst the raindrops that kissed my face. Victoria licked her lips and then looked at me. I was going to die, here and now. And I would never know if my baby was alright, if it was a boy or girl, if it looked like Edward or like me.

"Goodbye." I mouthed to my baby, to Edward, to the world, for I had no strength, no voice, not even for a whisper. She leant over me, licking the trail of blood from my mouth with relish. Her fingers laced in my hair, roughly pulled my head back to expose more of my neck. I felt no fear, nor did I feel relief. I looked past my demon as her teeth sank in my neck to the spot where my baby lay. As the blood started to trickle out of me, a figure came into focus in the distance and suddenly the cool lips were torn from my neck. A roar of pain reached my fuzzy ears. The world was getting darker. I saw Edward one last time. He was crouched in front of me, agony crossing his beautiful face. I could do nothing. As he murmured unintelligible words to my dying ears, I saw Victoria stand up behind him. She reached out, her thin fingers wrapping around my baby's neck. The last thing I did on this earth was scream as that red-headed monster broke my baby's neck.

* * *

I fell down into darkness, into a void. Pain and grief wracked my body, like vultures stripping my carcass. Pain kept me alive and the grief silenced me. I shuddered and trembled and died, yet lived. The fires of hell licked at my body, punishing me for not saving my child. A hundred cuts, a thousand broken bones did not compare to this. The agony of Edward leaving me was magnified a million times, my heart was gone and my body was on fire. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't scream. I shook and burned and mourned my child. I shuddered and cried and wanted the cool comfort of my true love's arms. The empty eyes of a dead child plunged a thousand daggers into my heart.

The agony was endless. The punishment was deserved. Weak human that I was should never have had this immortal child. I couldn't protect it and I didn't deserve it.

_Edward. Edward. Edward._ This was my silent mantra, for grief had robbed me of my voice.

I burned for days, months, years. Each second was an agony beyond description. Each moment was an eternity. I just wanted an ending to this torture. Eventually a broken voice seeped through my suffering. The voice of an angel.

"Bella, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please." Again and again that same phrase. I focused on that voice and found clarity returning to me. Through the smouldering flames, a melodious tone had held my soul captive pulled me back.

"I'm so sorry. I wasn't fast enough. I wasn't fast enough." That gentle, heart-rending voice sobbed.

Pain receded from my fingertips yet my heart was still leaden with despair. Each thump reverberated through my body, like a death knell. Thump, thump, thump. Each beat was faster and faster, an accusing tone.

You let your baby die. _Thump_.

You weren't good enough, strong enough. _Thump_.

You should have done something. _Thump_.

Faster and faster the terrible thoughts and the accusatory heartbeats raced. I shook at this terrible fever raging my body and my heart raced faster and faster; thump, thump, thump. Grief held my heart and tightened its grasp, the small organ pumping desperately; thump, thump, thump. Faster, faster, faster, thump, thump, thump...

Then no more.

The fire had gone. My heart had stopped. I opened my eyes and screamed in pain.

* * *

Death was my dearest desire, and it had been granted to me. When I first opened my eyes I could see only death, my own, my baby. I could only scream in pain and thrash my strong, hard limbs. It was later I realised that Edward had been beside me all along. I wasn't dead, but I no longer lived. Edward held me and I sobbed tearlessly into his arms.

Phoebe Cullen had been laid to rest in the meadow Edward and I had claimed as our own. I only visited that place once, to say goodbye, and then turned my crimson eyes away. I had survived the transformation physically. In fact, it had been remarkable that I still had such clear human memories. Of course, I cursed this. I wanted to forget. Instead I saw every second of the last hour of my human life with utter clarity.

Victoria was gone. Edward had seen to that. Such was my family's despair they tore apart her two friends with Carlisle leading the way with a white hot righteous fury. I pitied Jasper, for he was drowning in our misery and there was nothing we could do to give him any respite. We were too caught up in our own despair. Esme blamed herself for not seeing the shape-shifter for what he was. Alice had blamed herself for not seeing this possibility occurring. Emmett and Rosalie blamed themselves for not stopping Ethan and Jack when they had the chance. Carlisle blamed himself because he had been fooled by the enemy. And Edward blamed himself for not being fast enough, for not keeping me safe, for existing.

Ultimately, we were all to blame for being tricked and believing it. Yet we were all just victims of a vicious plot. Victoria was dead yet so was Phoebe. Phoebe, who had been my ray of sunshine in the darkest depths of my despair, was gone. I had never met her and I would never know how special she was.

We had all retreated to Alaska to mourn. After that first day when I had awoken to my new life, a shroud of silence had fallen over me. Not one word passed my lips, for my grief was beyond words. I sat with my sisters and was held by my new mother in silence. Edward was broken and so was I.

No longer was I the clumsy human girl, free of love or despair and the world of the supernatural. Instead I had loved more deeply than I ever believed possible. I had run with vampires and played around with werewolves. I had carried the child of a vampire and nearly brought it into this life. And now I was supernatural monster myself. My crimson eyes temporary phase until my true nature would prevail. Would I give it all up to return to being that ignorant, innocent, clumsy human? Free of the weight of responsibility, the terrible lows and dizzying highs I had experienced. Probably not. Every aspect of my life had changed the minute I had made the decision to come to Forks. This result was completely unexpected, some parts hated and reviled, but overall I had what I wanted: Edward forever.

Now all I had to do was to speak.

_The End_

**Well... what can I say. At the risk of sounding lame, the way this story ended was really unexpected for me as well. The characters just jumped up and said 'we're going this way whether you like it or not' and I couldn't stop them. I'm still shocked myself and I had to write it.**

**A million thank yous and cookies to all those who reviewed, even just one chapter. Each one was a little lifeline, a little prod to keep writing.**

**Now I can get back to finishing my Rosalie fic... but having finished this one, I'm wondering if there's still more story to tell. If you want a sequel please tell me (and send ideas...)**

**Love,**

**Scarlet**


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